An Imperfect Heart in the Chaos

 

It was one of those overcast days when the sun came out for a while and glimpses of bright, blue sky would peek through the cloud cover. Most of my morning power walk was at the town park just a bit north of my house. I chose to walk there because afterwards I had to do food shopping and the grocery store isn't far  from there. I was in a very contemplative mood. I was also in a kind of funk. Not really depressed....I really don't get depressed.  But kind of sad about a couple of things that are going on in my life and I just wanted to be in nature, which is so very healing. And of course, my spiritual temperament is "Naturalist" (per Gary Thomas' book Sacred Pathways). So I feel closest to God when in His creation. 

I started out slowly, then picked up my speed, kind of praying for friends with needs and then asking God what I was supposed to do about this certain situation in my life.   I didn't really hear anything from Him right away. I sensed my body beginning to relax even though I was at a good, brisk power walking speed at this point.  I decided to slow down again and just be.  Just casually walk for the last 10 minutes of my 30 min power walk.  I'm glad I slowed down.

It's in the slowing down of our bodies and minds that we begin to hear the Voice of God.  After all, He does say to

I started asking Him why there was always this chaos in my heart regarding completely trusting Him? It's been like that my whole life it seems like. I trust Him on some level.  I honestly do.  But there are times when the things I hold in my secret place.....in the deep part of my heart....I don't want to expose or let go of because to do so, would be to trust the One Whom I cannot see. And it involves the one I could see. Whom I could never trust. If I couldn't trust the one I could see, then how am I supposed to trust the One I cannot see? These are the chaotic thoughts that are constant in my mind.....constant when I allow them to be, I mean.  I've always been able to trust God with my future. It's much harder to trust Him with my past.. and even sometimes my present....especially when I sense I'm supposed to share some parts of me. Thus, the chaos. 

And then my mind was quickened to recall the Gideon study homework from this past week. I lead a small group of women and we're studying Priscilla Shirer's book on Gideon. It's excellent.  She said something in her video session that went like this:

"There is always a calling out of your chaos". 

And as I continued to walk the bike path, I looked ahead of me at how the fallen leaves looked so chaotic on the ground. They were literally blowing everywhere but this one spot there were just so many scattered all over the place.  Oak mixed with maple mixed with beech mixed with birch. It was definitely chaotic looking. There was also a kind of beauty to it.  And it reminded me of Priscilla's statement about our calling from chaos. 

And I thought... Yes there is. My calling? was to help abused children who were speech and language delayed as well as emotionally fragile. Those were chaotic days but oh so good days. I loved my teaching career. I actually miss it!  I know I helped the children God put in my classroom. Each year I would have 10 precious 3-6 yr olds. And each year, at least 2-4 would be survivors of abuse, whether physical or s*xual. It was definitely my calling. I thought I was going to be a music teacher but God certainly had other plans for me and I'm so glad I listened to His Voice back in the mid-80s. 

But now...all these years later, I found a journal I kept while going through counseling in my 30s, and in the journal was  one thing I had pushed so far down into my heart that I hadn't remembered it.  Yet there it was..this memory staring up at me in black and white before I burned it. 

That was 2 weeks ago. 

And  while I was walking, I saw this leaf and God started to speak in that still, small Voice. 

God basically showed me that I'm like this leaf with all these sharp edges. The edges look sharp but when I touched the leaf it was so smooth. 

The sharp edges are like the things I've survived or faced: some are physical, some are spiritual and many are emotional.  But they're smooth while being sharp. He was there smoothing the process. It didn't really make much sense to me but that's what I heard. 

I thought about the hard year of grad school and the internship/fellowship and all the long hours of research and teaching for a very small salary and how He provided everything I needed including a better car. 

I thought about when God brought Dave into my life and  how he gave me a husband for life and a friend for eternity. 

I thought about finally dealing with my own childhood s*xual abuse via an amazing woman friend and counselor whom I trusted explicitly and with whom God did an astounding work of forgiveness and emotional healing.  

I thought about surviving lyme disease for 8 months before I had an official diagnoses and how no doc could figure it out and how I spent hours on the internet researching my symptoms which finally led me to a lyme disease specialist. That was all God.  Then how I survived a horrible case of sciatica and 2 herniated disks and got through that. Again, it was God who led me to a church friend who led me to my amazing chiropractor. 

 And then the last 4 years of cervical spine pain with excruciating daily headaches that no meds could seem to take care of yet I pushed through all of that and God was there holding me up. And although He still hasn't miraculously healed me, I am doing much better now in 2026 physically, that I was in 2022. 

 And how the emotional  pain of losing my best friend to colon cancer at the age of 42 just wiped me out emotionally but His peace permeated my soul.

And how God led us out of a somewhat dysfunctional  inner city church to our wonderful church in our own community and where we've been members for the last 25 years and all the  friendships formed and ministries joined. How we have thrived there.  This was all God orchestrating it. 

 

And how I pushed through the difficult days of Dave's heart attack in 2014 when he was just 48 yrs old and how I had to be strong for him. 

And finally, the emotional and spiritual battle this past summer of being  shunned  by former church "friends"  for speaking truth and advocating for a survivor of s*xual abuse at the hands of one of their deacons,  and how this took  6 years of working through to the point where I could finally forgive them just a few months ago and how now.....those memories and people have faded. Just like God said they would. 

All of these things left me with sharp edges but He was there all along watching over me. And yet I still struggle to fully believe that He cared or was there. And I even told Him that in prayer as I turned around after the first mile and started back for my car. My head knows all of these things I"ve mentioned have been in God's plan for me and that He was there for me. It's my heart that needs to fully and finally grasp this. 

And that's when I saw this  leaf at the same time that I sensed God saying that He did see me and that His heart was broken: 

I was so shocked to see this perfectly broken leaf
after just hearing God's Voice, that I dropped my car key!

And what I heard?

It was this:  "Daughter, I was there all along and My Heart was broken for you.  I saw the evil, I saw the perpetrator and I saw your pain. I saw your silent tears. I saw your hardened heart. My heart was broken but My heart is perfect. You will not be made perfect until you are with Me in heaven. There are some things you may not know here on this earth. but know that I was there and I saw you and My Heart was broken.  and you know you need to tell someone this last piece. I, your Father God, will be there, too." 

Now what do I do with that?? This is just like what my counselor told me so many years ago. God was there. He saw me. I just was unaware of it. Just like Priscilla says in the study. He's omnipresent.  He's there all the time. We just don't always know it....or are aware of Him.   I know this  to be true. 

Pressing on.....to find Him....to believe this, in my own imperfect heart. 

Sunday Stealin' Survey

I'm waiting for the dryer to stop so I can fold the clothes before church, so am playing along with the Sunday Stealin' survey this week. Head over to this blog to join in! 

1. What was the last gift you received? 

My husband bought me earrings when we were at MOMA in Adams, MA in August. (Museum of Modern Art).  They're silver and I actually wore them yesterday! They look similar to the ones below except mine are all sterling silver. 

2. Who did you last hang out with?  

If you mean just here at home, then my husband on Friday evening. If you mean with a friend, then on the hike yesterday  with my 2 friends Ping and Celine. We hiked in the Central ADK area on a small mountain. 

me, Celine, Ping on Watch Hill summit

3. Do you often lose the remote? 

No. We only have one television and it sits in our Shaker style armoire/tv cupboard and the remotes (tv and apple tv one) stay in a large basket on our coffee table in the family room. 

4. When did you last check Facebook? 

last evening after dinner when I added some hiking pics to my hiking group's album. 

5. Are there scented candles in the room you're in?

I'm in the family room and yes....I have a coffee scented candle and an apple cinnamon one on a side table. 

6. Next time you leave the house, where will you be going? 

Church at Grace Fellowship/Latham for the 11 AM service. 

7. Do you know anyone named Steven or Stephen or Steve or Stevie? 

I know a Stephen.  He was a year younger than me in college and is an excellent musician and composer. I also knew a Steven as I dated someone with that name my 2nd-4th year of college. I also have a Steven in my hiking group.  I don't know anyone who goes by Steve or Stevie. 

8. Which do you prefer: Macaroni salad or potato salad? 

I much prefer my own  homemade  poppyseed pasta salad filled with all kinds of veggies  but if I'm in a restaurant, I prefer potato salad. 

poppyseed pasta salad

9. Do you have an ice maker in your refrigerator door?

No we do not. 

10.  When you woke up this morning, did you get up straightaway or did you lounge a bit?

I got up, used the bathroom, went down to get my first mug of coffee (I set it up to brew at 5:45 AM and the coffee maker is programmed to stay hot for 4 hours) and then brought it back to bed where I worked on the NYTimes Strands. 

Fun Survey! Have a great Sunday! 

GIRLS GETAWAY FAVES

 

I'm back in NYS after a glorious time on Cape Cod, in the village of Falmouth and I'm sharing FIVE of my FAVE things  about my "girls getaway" with my two church friends, Maggie and Meg.  Maggie has been in my Tuesday evening small group Bible study for a year and both ladies are in my SoulSteps hiking group. 

I'm linking up with Susanne where other bloggers also join in to be intentional about giving thanks each week for the blessings that God brought into our lives. 

FIVE FAVES

Our AirBnB in Falmouth on the Cape
most homes on the cape and on the south shore Boston
are ranch style or cape cod style.  This is a ranch
with 3 bedrooms,  and the bathroom up just 6 steps;
 living room, kitchen, 
theme room (family room in basement)
large laundry/storage area in basement
backyard movie theater, firepit
and the side deck on the right 

this is the living room
where we spent our late evenings
her color scheme is a fave of mine

• LODGING: Falmouth, unbeknownst to me when I booked the trip back in May, is a year round/all season town, meaning  even in the Autumn and Winter months, it's hopping. Most of the villages on the Cape are seasonal (Summer).  Even so, the rates were somewhat less expensive than if we were booking for July/August and the restaurants had very reasonable and similar to the Capital District of NYS, prices.  Cocktails and wine were about the same also.  We loved our Air BnB.  The superhost was so responsive and the  check in lock box worked perfectly. We each had a bedroom in a different color. Mine was done up in sea shades (blue-gray).  I didn't bother with pics of the rooms other than what you see above. The kitchen was the most well stocked of any AirBnB I've stayed in, in the past. She even had 6 different kinds of brand new coffee syrups. None of us use sweeteners in our coffee but it was nice to know they were there and so prettily  arranged. The neighborhood was quiet...even at school bus time!  She had a beautiful home. Everything was pristine so we gave her a 5 * review.  I'm thankful the home exceeded our expectations. 

We ate an early dinner here on Sunday evening
and then for Monday evening, we ate here around 7:30 pm
after stopping to see the sun set over Chapoquoit Beach

Sunday evening dinner and cocktails.
I had a peachy cosomos, Maggie in the middle had a cranberry mule,
 and Meg had a glass of chardonnay
We had an early dinner, around 5:30 pm
 because we didn't stop on the way to MA for lunch.
The place was hopping! 
I had forgotten that people on the Cape eat earlier than in NY or Boston

We ate at the Shipwrecked right on the ocean
and I ordered the Cod Fish Tacos with sweet potato fries.
Excellent food, service and cocktails.

Tuesday evening, our last evening on the Cape, 
was spent from 7 pm-9:30 pm in the local Irish Pub
where Meg and I had Mai Tais; Maggie (on the left) had a skinny colada drink
I ordered a blackened Caesar salad as I had had fish the previous 2 nights
We stayed and watched the Karaoke perfomances for about a half hour after dinner. 

• FISH/FOOD/COCKTAILS:  Oh my.  I had forgotten just how excellent "fish and chips" on the Cape can be.  I had fish tacos the first night made with excellent cod.  The waiter said it was caught that morning. I'm assuming he was correct. My husband has often told me the salmon and bluefish on the Cape are caught the same day as when we order it. It was truly the BEST fish tacos I ever had. The next night I had regular fish and chips but again, the cod was big and fresh and only lightly fried, which I was thankful for. The last evening, we opted to stay downtown as had shopped there all afternoon and had discovered an Irish pub where we had to wait a half hour for a seat but it was worth it. I was going to have the quinoa bowl with salmon but opted for the blackened chicken casear salad instead as I was craving some greens. Again, the food and service was top notch and they were short staffed that night! I wish we could get good, fresh fish here in the Albany, NY area but we just can't.  And it's much pricier here as well due to needing to be shipped. I'm thankful we all loved the food and it was Meg and Maggie's first time eating Cape Cod fish. 

Marina at the Knob 

We walked up to the Knob by first going on the Marina side
at Quissett Harbor
and walking along the rock strewn beach where I spied the 
largest piece of Driftwood I've ever seen.
 Even on the Cape, God was sending me a message
 (IYKYK!)

The Atlantic/Buzzards Bay from The Knob Walkway in Woods Hole, MA
We stopped here and spent about 15 minutes soaking in the sun, sand, and surf
The water was cold but it felt great..we just waded. 

We walked to the top of the Knob on Buzzards Bay
and took a group selfie even with our wind-blown hair!
l-r: Maggie, me, Meg

• FUN IN THE SUN!  We couldn't have asked God for better weather. We were so blessed to have perfect early Autumn weather on the Cape. In fact, it felt like summer  in the sun, minus the humidity and hot temps you get in June and July. We spent the first full morning at The Knob in Woods Hole. That night, we spent our time on a different side of Falmouth, at Chapaquoit (Chappy to the locals) Beach to see the sunset.  It was stunning. Our 2nd full day there, we spent at Nobska Lighthouse and did the tour, and then in the afternoon, we went shopping in downtown Falmouth where we all bought some  gifts and personal treasures. I bought my girls and Dave a little something, picked up a Christmas gift for my friend Joan, and bought myself a light cotton hoodie along with a pair of earrings. I'm very thankful my friends had fun on their first time on the Cape and that we had safe travels all over Falmouth as well. I'm also thankful for Google Maps and a good car since I did all the driving in an area I wasn't super familiar with. God is good! 

At Chappy Beach about 5:30pm 
Ke:ep in mind: the sun sets about an hour  earlier on the Cape
than in NYS and also rises earlier in the morning. 
High Tide was coming in....we sat on the beach steps

Starting to go down....this is about 6 pm

getting lower...the windsurfer we saw to the left of us
finally came in from the water around this time

There it goes.....this is about 6:13 PM 
note the reflection on the sand! 

• HISTORIC TOUR:  On Tuesday in the mid-morning, we headed over to Nobska Lighthouse, which I had seen from Dave's car in the past but I had never taken the tour. We were shocked at how inexpensive it was (we did get a senior discount).  The lighthouse was beautiful. There were 9 of us in our tour group and the history of the point and house were interesting to hear.  I even saw where our T---family beach house where we used to gather from 2001-2013, was on their large map at the top of the lighthouse. In fact, from the lighthouse, you have a good view of Buzzards Bay, the Canal going from the mainland to the Cape, Martha's Vineyard (directly across) and the Elizabeth Islands.  We could even see a bit of Rhode Island. The sky was so clear and the sun was brilliant. I'm thankful we popped over to the lighthouse and had a fun morning.  We also walked down to the beach there for some pics and to see the 9-11 memorial in honor of a local woman who died in the World Trade Center tragedy.  Here are some fave pics from that morning:

me and Meg at Nobska Lighthouse

a view of Buzzards Bay from the middle of the Lighthouse

Maggie and me at the Lighthouse 

Nobska Lighthouse in Falmouth MA

• QUIET TIMES:  I am also most thankful for the quiet times we all experienced while on our girls getaway. I had time in the morning, at the little kitchen table, with my coffee and Bible,  because I tend to get up between 6:30-7 and Maggie tends to sleep til 8-9 and Meg got up anywhere between 7-8 but chose to do her quiet time in her bedroom.  I also had time (as did Maggie) to work on our Gideon study and just pray and think.  I never want to take our Bible for granted or the friendships I have made through church. I'm so thankful for these 2 ladies whom I just met in the last 2 years because of my hiking group and small group yet with whom I connected with right away.  There's nothing like doing life with your good friends and sisters-in-Christ. 

image courtesy of thomas nelson bibles  site

That wraps up my week!

Tomorrow I have a hike to lead up a high peak in the Catskills Mountains with 4 members of SoulSteps.  Sunday, I have housework and small group prep to get caught up on while Dave is away visiting his mom, and Monday is the Annual Daughters Day away with my sister Joy and my 2 daughters.   After Monday, life will slow down a bit and I'll be back to a more normal routine. 

Whatever you have planned, embrace every moment and pause to give thanks!

AUTUMN FAVES

 

Here we are.....into our 2nd full week of Autumn and into October already. 

I'm sharing FIVE of my FAVE blessings from the past week with other grateful bloggers. Head over to the host's site to join in.

SoulSteps Hikers at OK Slip Falls lookout
l-r: Evelyn, me, Dave D, Charlie, Joan 
Missing from photo: Jill H

• FIRST SOULSTEPS AUTUMN HIKE:  Although I hiked up Rooster Comb Mountain with 2 friends a few days before this group hike, to celebrate the start of Autumn, this hike to one of the tallest Adirondack waterfalls was our first Autumn Semester SoulSteps hike. I originally had 8 people signed up.  It ended up being 6 of us. When our Capital Region area (where we all live) was having pouring rain and wind from the nor-easter last Saturday that was coming up the East Coast, we had very  good weather in the mountains. We started out with sunshine, then it got cloudy, then the sun came out again and it ended up not raining.  We are thankful we were able to do this 7 miles hike and not have it rain. Some of us stopped for a small cup of ice cream on the way home to celebrate our hiking success. The leaves were just starting to show some color last weekend. It should be peak up there by the middle of this next week. 

The top of the waterfalls up close: OK Slip 

Ok Slip Falls in the central Adirondacks
after a 3.5 miles hike into the deep woods 

• Fun Pic:  I was thrilled that our oldest daughter texted me a photo of her boyfriend and her from a state park I used to go to on Lake Ontario when I was in college!  Tyler and Courtney were out in the Rochester area last weekend to attend his 5th year class reunion and Homecoming at his alma mater, which is also mine, Roberts Wesleyan University (College,  until recently). They decided to pop in to Hamlin Beach State Park so she could see Lake Ontario up close as she had never been. I'm thankful they had a great weekend and had fun at Homecoming. 

Tyler and Courtney
at Hamlin Beach State Park on Lake Ontario
Rochester NY 

• QUICK REPAIR:  On Wednesday, I had to stick close to home because we had a gutter company coming to fix a loose trim piece above our gutter in the front of the house. Because we replaced all of our windows and doors with Renewal by Anderson (if you know how $$ those are, you'll understand this sentiment) and that piece of trim was starting to bang into one of the bedroom windows,so my husband hired a professional to come deal with it. The young man who came to do the work was the nicest person.  He even took pics so I could see where the damage was and carefully explained what he was going to do. After about 5 minutes, he rang the door bell again and asked if it was ok if he put an extra piece of  trim on as we were missing the back end of it and if he didn't fix that,  the water wouldn't properly run into the gutter. He explained the materials cost would be less than $20 (it was) and within 10 minutes I was writing him a check and he was on his way.  I was dreading the whole process as Dave has to go into the office on Tues/Wed/Thurs and can't work from home but because this young man took pics and explained everything in simple terms after I told him I knew nothing about gutters, I had a lot of peace about it and the entire project only took about 25 minutes! It also wasn't nearly as expensive of a repair as we were led to believe. I'm thankful for good workers! 

• PHONE CALL: My friend Joan and I talked for quite awhile on the phone this past week.  I can't go into details but it concerned a younger person we know who is very needy and struggling and needs professional help. This person has wanted us to "help" her but the relationships were beginning to be too much for us.  Just knowing that we both have made our church leadership aware of what's been happening on our end, and that we both feel like we need to step back, really helped.  It is good to have friends  who share your concern for others but who also discern when you can no longer help. We both prayed at the end of our conversation for each other and for the young woman and this made me especially thankful that I have a friend I can lean on and trust and who seems to be very discerning, and feels the way I do about our roles as small group leaders. The icing on the cake? Our Spiritual Formations Director who works full time for our church and is our "boss" in our roles as small group leaders, sent out a leader-wide email explaining that sometimes we need to allow the members of our various groups and ministries to struggle. That it is not our role to step in and be their "Messiah" (which is what this girl wanted...she's not even a member of Joan's or my ministries although she was a member of the hiking group last year).  He reminded us that only Jesus can really "fix" people. That God would give us discernment over which people to come alongside and that we do need to be praying for all of our members of course but that we don't need to "rescue" every one. It was so timely!

Veggie White Za

• EASY DINNER:  This past week I had a lot of fresh veggies to use up along with some mozzarella cheese.  So I made homemade white veggie pizza:  I buy the frozen pizza dough and thaw it out overnight in the fridge. About a half hour before needing it, I place it on the counter to warm up as then it's easier to roll out.  I had red, green and yellow peppers to use up along with a sweet onion and broccoli. I use extra virgin olive oil on the crust and then sprinkle on basil, oregano and freshly minced garlic. Then i add all the rest of the veggies and the mozzarella and then sprinkle on paremsan cheese. The salad was mainly baby romaine, some leftover buttercrunch, cucumbers, tomato and carrots. The pizza came out great and Dave took the leftovers in his lunch the next day. I love a nice easy dinner and am thankful for fresh veggies. 

BONUS FAVE: 

His and Hers ice cream!

I typically don't eat cow's milk ice cream any longer unless it is soft serve.  I tend to buy the Oatly brand of ice cream made with oat milk. It's so creamy and no animal fat!  BUT....this past week, our iconic  convenience store (only found in NYS with headquarters in Saratoga Springs, the small city near us) had all 33 flavors of hard ice cream on sale.  That's 2 half gallons for $8! The regular non-sale price is $5.99. So I surprised Dave with his favorite flavor: Chocolate Peanut Butter cup and I bought myself the Brew HA-HA which is basically like a cup of coffee with espresso bean chocolate flakes.  These will last us a while as we don't eat dessert every evening. I'm thankful for a great sale!

That wraps up my last week of September!  I'm off to Cape Cod with my friends Maggie and Meg for a mini girls retreat from Sunday to Wednesday. We have an adorable AirBnB ranch style house in Falmouth and neither Maggie nor Meg (who is originally from Indiana) have ever been on the Cape. I'm super thankful we get to do this and that our husbands will be fine with us away.