where Love broke through

 

I'd been planning this hike for well over a year. When I discovered, through the hiking group I founded in 2024 (SoulSteps), that there was a member who was physically fit enough...and willing to hike outside the group....I was so grateful. I met Joan in the winter of 2024 when I spoke to a class at church about the group I was leading. In fact, her name was one of the first ones on the sign up sheet! 

Little did I know then what God was orchestrating.......

2 years of getting to know each other, mainly through the group hikes, left me feeling like I could trust her.  Trust is tough for me. As it is for any survivor of not only childhood s*xual abuse but church abuse as well. This summer? I was dealing...finally.....with the latter. I was feeling frustrated because my old methods of survival weren't working. The case came up in conversation after a small group of us were sharing about forgiveness. That led into this spiral of remembering things that belong in the darkness but needed to come out to the light. Things that needed to be exposed. Some were! I've written about the lawsuit here in the past...or at least have alluded to it..how I helped to advocate for a girl who had been abused by the hands of a deacon and how the leadership in that place, covered up the crime, claiming they would "take care of it". That's all I'm going to say about that case. It's really not my story to tell although I'm a a part of the lawsuit she brought forth. 

The part I had to deal with? The loss of old friends. The betrayal of leaders I once respected and although they gave us a difficult time regarding our decision to become members of a new church (the one we've been going  to and growing in since 2005), they did maintain the friendships via social media and when we would run into them at a funeral or a graduation party, they were always cordial. Until I stood up for the young girl. 

So....add spiritual/church abuse on top of s*xual abuse and it's damaging and difficult to navigate through life. (Yes, even with the healing I received through counseling and theophostic prayer regarding my own situation). But I always thought I was doing pretty well with it.   Until this summer  after praying a prayer of forgiveness,  when the enemy (Satan) really got into my head. And  3 weeks later..... still dealing with this....I finally had a hike that I didn't have to lead and one in which it was just a friend I  trust and me. 

I thought this would just be a fun day out with a good friend and a challenging trail to conquer. Little did I know the challenge would be my heart. 

So..we started hiking in the morning and it was beautiful. The weather was perfect! 

about a half mile in from the southern end

the trail from the south
was to the left of the stream for
most of the first 4 miles 

the first glimpse from south trail
of Hoffman Mt (3693 ' elevation)
(no trail leads to the summit) 

And that's when Love began to break through.......

.........we had hiked, I think....about 4 miles and all of a sudden after trekking along next to a beautiful brook and through diverse terrain....I started to really process. We had been chatting, and there were silent times of just hiking, and I felt at home in this glorious wilderness and my body and mind felt safe.......and yet.......

.......there was this yearning to be at peace within 

............a yearning for God to touch me, see me, hear me, release me......

........................and a yearning to be free..........

The timeline is blurred in my head.......I can't remember tonight if what I'm about to share happened before we got to the Big Marsh (the halfway point) or after.  I think it was shortly after.......

first glimpse of Big Marsh
this is about 4.3 miles in 

another view....I love the mountain ridge

this was my fave spot on the entire hike
Hoffman Mountain and Big Marsh
I felt so safe here.......

and yet.............................

there were these tangled heartstrings longing to be made loose
and there was a yearning in my soul..................
for peace, joy, hope...................and I wanted to feel God

I usually feel closest to God in the woods and mountains
what was wrong with me???

We continued hiking and Joan had been talking about something spiritual and I can't remember now what it was exactly but all of a sudden I heard myself asking

"they weren't really my friends, were they?"

my pastor's wife, my counselor and 2 good friends (Joan being one of them) have been saying this to me over and over for the last month. it was finally breaking out of me......the realization that they were never true friends.

 Why? 

because true friends don't shun you when you stand up for Truth, when you show love to an abused girl, when you share your own testimony of your own childhood abuse making yourself vulnerable to more than 20 deacons/elders  and their wives and teaching them what to look for only to have them not take that knowledge and do the right thing....betrayal cuts deep and I was wounded and broken......

I had to sit down so we found a perfect log off the trail in a little glen -type spot and just sat. My mind was racing, my heart was hard yet I felt like the pieces that were broken were spinning all around trying to break free........and although I don't think my hands were clenched tight into fists like they've been during worship at church the last 3 weeks, they felt rigid.....I didn't want to break but I did want to break free..........I didn't want to cry and I was determined to not cry and show that depth of grief I could feel rising up in me ready to spill up and over........

Joan said she was going to read from the Jesus Calling devotional. I didn't want her to. I had started it at home while having breakfast and had to slam the book shut after the first paragraph......."Come to Me. Come to Me. Come to Me. This is my continual invitation to you, proclaimed in holy whispers". 

I felt tears welling up in my eyes.....I kept screaming inside my head "stop, don't cry, don't let go". yet my heart was aching......

........and she kept reading so calmly and quietly......." when your heart and mind are quiet, you can hear Me inviting you to draw near. Coming close to me requires no great effort on your part."  

at this point I could feel sobs rising up and out of me...I tried to stop them.......

..........and she kept reading......"Open yourself to my loving Presence so that I may fill you with My fullness. I want you to experience how wide and long and high and deep is My Love fro you so that you can know My Love that surpasses knowledge"  

I believe at this point I am fully crying and trying to stop but it isn't working. My heart had become so hardened I was afraid He wouldn't want me. What would Joan think of me?? I'm a small group leader! I need to get it together.......and yet.......

.........I felt the Spirit of God pulling those heartstrings like He did 30 years ago....only this time it was a lot harder........

............."This vast ocean of Love cannot be measured or explained, but it can be experienced". 

and then she read the Scriptures that went with the reading:

My mind was screaming "Are you kidding me? this was my journal writing a few days ago..that I wanted...needed to drink of the Living Water........"  

Was God showing up in this place? was Love really breaking through to rescue me like in the song I wanted to experience? 

Was Jesus really going to storm through the tower of my heart? was He really going to break through? Wasn't He disappointed with me? Wasn't Joan wondering what the heck was wrong with me? 

and then this Scripture: 

And by then I was crying and wanting to pray......

it was God's perfect timing.......when I  looked at Joan's face, I only saw the Love of God........

I prayed, releasing these old  hurts old "friends" into His Hands for Him to pick up and you know what??

My thought that He couldn't hold my broken pieces and hold me at the same time wasn't an accurate thought. He can hold our brokenness and embrace us at the same time. He is mighty to save. 

I had to ask God to just take this from me and confess I couldn't do it anymore. I asked Him to make these memories fade like the driftwood fades.........

..............and I felt free.......

I felt light in my spirit and just couldn't believe this was actually happening. 

Love broke through on that hike........

it still seems unreal........

I've since been able to share this with my pastor's wife (who was completely thrilled and so encouraging) and with Cheryl my counselor who was also so thankful and happy and was rejoicing with me.  And she explained that yes, I had major healing from the childhood trauma but that the beginning that I kept wondering about all summer???  

I kept hearing God whispering to me during my morning meditation and journaling to "go back to the beginning....it's in the remembering......go back to the beginning...."

I knew it wasn't my own beginning of abuse. I thought it was the time my little student was abused badly by her father and I voiced to my self that I would never tell anyone my secret and I would never trust God the Father ever again. 

But no.  Cheryl confirmed it was the beginning when I myself was 7.....because church abuse happened then too.  My pedophile was a youth leader. In  church.  And she said that is when I first experienced church abuse and now all these years later....another church abuse and that psychologists are now learning that that kind of abuse? from a church? is the most damaging of all.  

but Love broke through and I have experienced a joy, a hope and a peace that I haven't experienced in a long time. 

It's not fully over nor will it ever be......it cuts deep....but with clinging to Jesus the One who sets us free....the memories will fade and it might be 2 steps forward and 1 step back but the true work of letting go and releasing these people who really aren't friends is complete. 

When Love breaks through, your darkened soul becomes light because of His Light. 

And when you have a friend who shines that Light well and allows Love to show through......

there's safety in that. 

And that's freedom. 

and yes....we hiked the entire trail
and came out of the woods at 6 pm. 

Summer Faves

 

Here it is Friday again!  Time to look back on the week and share FIVE of our Favorite blessings.  I had so many blessings this week.  But I'll share the top five and link up with Susanne at her blog.  Join us! 

FIVE FAVES

Dave pruning our cherry trees 

• SATURDAY WITH DAVE  Saturday morning, Dave had to get up on the very tall ladder that reaches to the roof to temporarily fix the gutter strip that had partially torn away from the gutter in last Thursday night's thunderstorm. I had noticed it Friday morning but he had to work all day so couldn't get to it that day.  After realizing he was going to have to call a gutter service (he temporarily tucked the strip into the edge of the gutter making a loop so it couldn't get loose again) he decided to then get the shorter ladder (he hates heights) to prune both of our  cherry trees.  He pruned/sawed and I carted all the branches to the backyard area where we store brush until it's dry enough to burn. Then we had other chores to tackle and the afternoon was a partial Sabbath rest for us.  For dinner, we dashed out to pick up Chinese food and then we watched the third movie in the Enola Holmes triology.  We agreed the first 2 movies were better, although we did enjoy the ending. I'm thankful we had a day for just the two of us and that we spent the morning getting a lot of yard work done. I'm also thankful for in-home date nights. 

 photo compliments of instagr*m

before 

• RESTORED  I never order from a site I see advertised on social media because the 2 times I did,the product ended up being NOTHING like what the ad showed and both items came from China and were poorly made.  One was a pair of sandals (one arrived with a broken heel!) and the other was a very poor quality dress I ended up trying to send back but of course the company refused to communicate with me.  My credit card company did agree to not charge me for the item.  Anyways, I saw this product on social media so did my own research into the company, read reviews and ordered directly from their website. I'm thankful I have this product because the results speak for themselves.  And it arrived within 10 days of ordering it. It doesn't get rid of gouges of course but look at the water damage in the above pic and look how the salve restored my kitchen cupboard!  I'm thankful I could buy this. 

after!

• EMERGENCY VISIT:  I woke up Friday morning with what I thought was a case of Patellar tendinitis or wicked shin splints. I iced the knee on and off all that day and didn't work out. On Saturday, my knee was feeling a burning feeling and my right foot was tingling and I had sciatic nerve pain going down the back of my upper right leg. So I knew right away....like in 2012...that this was a pinched nerve in the piriformis muscle (look it up) which is exacerbated by sciatic nerve issues. Thankfully, on Monday, after having wrapped it for 2 days, I was able to get into my amazing chiropractor for an emergency alignment and massage of the piriformis muscle with the hypervolt and some PT stretches for the upper thighs that she put me through. It was hell. BUT...when I stood up after she worked on me for 25 minutes, the tingling in my foot was gone, the pinched nerve feeling was gone and I only had mild upper back pain. She said the pain was coming from S1-S2 joints so not a disc issue like 14 years ago. I'm so thankful she considers me an established patient and I'm very thankful for good health insurance that gives me unlimited visits to the chiropractor. She wished me luck on the hike the next day and had me schedule a follow up for today (Friday). She thinks I overdid it with the daily power walking and no rest day and being on hard pavement made things worse. Her alignment of my lower spine brought on some upper back pain on the right side but that's pretty normal for me. 

  

  all wrapped for the hike! 

  
  

• HARD HIKE! Tuesday was a day my friend Joan and I had set aside to go hike a trail that's been on my bucket list for 10 years.  I'll be doing a separate post about Hoffman Notch but for now: it's the iconic Adirondack trail that most die-hard hikers like me wanna hike, but most don't. Why? because it's (per state measurements) 7.6 miles one way. In actuality, because of re-routes and major blowdown and the trail disappearing after the first 4.6 miles, it ended up being 9.05 miles and over 21, 786 steps!! Because we didn't want to hike south to north and then turn around (that would be 18 miles!!), we took Joan's car to the north entry point, then got in my car and drove to the south entry point, began hiking at about 9:30 AM from the south which is Loch Muller (town of Schroon, eastern lower high peaks region) and went north to Blue Ridge Rd in North Hudson (high peaks region).  We bascially were hiking a flat trail except in two spots, and came out at the exit point on Blue Ridge Rd at 6 pm.  We LOVED it. I had no physical pain, God showed up big time which I will write about in the actual hiking post sometime later today or this weekend. We were actually energized!  Which is odd.  We then got in Joan's car, drove south for 3 exits, got back to my car, changed into bathing suits right there in the wilderness (no one is around and we are 12 miles from civilization at this point).  Drove our cars to the Schroon Lake town beach (it's now about 7 pm) jumped in the lake to cool off, wash off the bug spray, got our bag of clean non-hiking clothes and shoes, went off to find bathrooms to change, then had a very late dinner (8 pm) at this fave spot before driving home and arrving at home at 10:45 pm.  We left my house that morning at 6:30 AM.  Long day but very rewarding, and we are super close, tightly knit friends now and it's day we will never forget. I thank God we were safe (we were the only humans in that trail system!!) and that we were able to get through the bushwhacking parts just fine. This was not a hike for my group SoulSteps. This was just 2 friends out hiking and it was perfect. God is good. Here are just a couple of pics to show you and the whole hike will be in a separate post with all of our pics. 

about to start this hike!
Joan and I at about 9:30 AM Tuesday 

This is what the trail looked like for most 
of the 4.5 miles to the Big Marsh
which is the half-way point going from south to north
very narrow and thick vegetation

To clarify: to hike through a notch means to hike a narrow gap or like this trail, to hike through a deep depression between 2 mountain ridges/peaks.  We hiked between the Hoffman Mt /Blue Ridge range and Washburn Ridge. 

Beautiful Big Marsh at about 4.3 miles in
Hoffman Mt is in the background 
(no trail to summit) and it stands at 3,693'
so almost a high peak 

we had to trek through this
yes, this is the trail.......
totally overgrown for about a half mile
after leaving the marsh 
at this point we have another 4 miles to go

This is what most of the "bridges" were like...
walking a balance beam....this was a "dry" section of the brook
Most of the stream crossings involved knee high or higher water
In the hiking post later this weekend, I will explain why at this point I am wearing
an ace bandage on my left leg

THE END!!  9.05 miles hiked
This is the North End where Joan's car was parked. 
We were thrilled we actually succeeded and did the entire trail
end to end....most people turn around at Big Marsh and go back
on the "Easy" part of the south end. 

Schroon Lake about 7:15 PM
The lake felt so good! The air was getting chilly.....

• PHONE CALLS:  my pastor's wife and I talked by phone on Wednesday evening. I was able to share with her about the hike and what God did during it. It was a great conversation and I'm so very thankful for my church leadership. They are the real deal and so trustworthy!! I am thankful I can call them friends. And on Thursday morning, my friend Joan called me to check on something and share a Scripture with me. I'm so very thankful for these friends in my life. And then last night, my very dear friend and therapist from years ago, called me to hear my news about Tuesday and she said she was so happy to hear how God showed up. She informed me that recent psych research has shown that people who have endured spiritual/church abuse have more damage to their souls than the s*xual childhood abuse.  She said because I had both,  this is one reason it took so long to work through.  We ended up praising God together. I never want to take my close, intimate friends for granted. I'm so very grateful for their care. 

That wraps up my week.  

What about you? what made you say Thank You, God? 

because of this .......

 

As a little girl.....and then a teen....and then an adult........this Scripture has been one of my top 10 faves

I've always been drawn to the mountains........

my childhood home was in the foothills of the Adirondacks...the largest publicly protected park in the lower 48 states....larger than Yellowstone,  Glacier, Yosemite and the Grand Canyon combined. Let that sink in for a moment. 

my childhood family camp, until I was about 17, was in the southern Adirondack region.....close to many amazing mountain lakes and trails.....

for 10 days every July, from age 7-18, I was at our church's conference camp.....outside of Saratoga Springs....it was where I became a Christ follower (during the end of the  Jesus Revolution movement) and in my last year of church camp, I climbed my first ADK High Peak: Giant Mt.  That's really when I fell in love with this Scripture and with climbing. Even though we only had sneakers on and nothing but one water bottle each (what were our youth group leaders thinking??) we scaled that mountain and had a praise service on top......it's where I felt safe.....

Giant Mountain,  the ADK's 12th highest peak
elevation 4627"
I climbed that in 1978
this photo is one I took from the summit of Rooster Comb in 2020...
.....where is a fantastic view of Giant Mt and other high peaks
Since then, I have climbed to Giant's Nubble which i think is the 2nd point from the summit, 
going towards the right in the pic. 

Now? 

People ask me all the time why I get up at the crack of dawn (typically) and drive 2 hours to hike a 6 mile mountain. 

this is one reason: 

.....i like challenges....most of the peaks I summit are not like this one pictured..... I just happen to connect with the quote......

they are most like this one.......and it's because of this, I hike......

summit of Cascade Mt High Peak at 4098' elevation
August 2020

the views........the challenge.......

yup.....you have to climb up this and there's no ladder! 
Cascade Mt the "easiest" High Peak to climb in the ADK
this is where I have to walk sideways down so the discs
and the knees and the toes are not injured  
(of course I didn't know this until about 10 yrs ago) 

you must scramble up this 

or when you are on Rooster Comb Mt, which is one of my favorite mountains in the entire ADK High Peaks region, although it isn't  a peak that is over 4000' high, you actually get a bit of help before the final ascent: 

heading up Rooster Comb Mt

Is it worth it, people ask me? even my hiking group friends who only feel comfortable hiking on flat trails (which by the way is perfectly fine....any trail is an adventure!) cannot understand the pull of the mountain summit to me.......

is it worth it? 

Well...yes.......look: 

my niece Mady and I on the edge of Rooster Comb summit 

Mady and I on the summit of Hopkins Mountain, 3156' high
High Peaks region of the ADK 

I mean...look at the beauty!  That's God's art work! and I feel safe on a summit.....

it's because of this......seeing Him in the world He created.....it's where I feel closest to God.......and I feel safe.......

.........and honestly.....this past month, there's been a disconnect.......I've only hiked 4 mountains so far this year and I'm feeling antsy about getting on a summit again......And out of those 4, only one was over 3000' high (Haystack in Vermont). 

I have hiked 17 different trails since March with the SoulSteps group, or solo. 

But the mountains are calling to me, because God is calling me and I know there's this thing ...this obstacle in my life that I have to face......and in the mountains, I feel safe.......

..........and maybe with the hike that's coming up this week in the deep wilderness surrounded by my beloved mountains, I can finally release this to the One who made it all......

......maybe, because of this, I will "feel" that deep connection again......

because of this, maybe I will feel safe again........

on Rooster Comb Mt
looking at Marcy, our state's highest peak
because of this............i find God.........

AUGUST FAVES

 

The first Friday of August! August starts my fave hiking weather....I love August through mid-December....so many changes come with these months.  

I also love that it's still Summer and time to look for the blessings from the week.  I link up with Susanne's blog to participate in the FFF each week, intentionally looking  for the things God blessed us with. 

FIVE FAVES

from one of his oldest friends

from back to front: Hannah and her hubby Scot
Prem and Anita; Dave D

backyard ice cream bash
in photo:  starting on left:  Claire
our nephew Luke, Tyler and Courtney, Dave
not shown: my 2 sisters Joy and Jill and Jill's hubby Mike
Nathaniel and Peter D.  

• PARTY!  Last Friday evening was the party the girls and I planned for Dave's 60th birthday.  He wanted to keep it small and said he just wanted his closest guy friends plus our nephew (my sister Joy's son) and Courtney's college friend Nathaniel.  Dave's closest friends are Peter,  Brian Q, Dave D, Prem, Scot, Nathaniel. Because we've spent a lot of time with my youngest sister Jill and her husband Mike (who helped build our deck!), we invited them too. We all had a blast making our own ice cream sundaes (I had 6 different flavors including 3 that were non-dairy).  It was far too humid to have a bonfire going but between the ice cream and the cold drinks, we kept cool. Dave was thrilled to receive cards and  one gift (even though I wrote on the invites "Your presence is preferred over your presents).  The girls also got him gifts as did I.  I'm thankful we had a fun evening to celebrate my husband. 

• ORANGE CREAM COLD BREW:  All of my friends know I'm over the top obsessed with coffee, orange flavor, and cherry lime flavor.  I was at Target this past week and we have a *$ in ours and I happened to see a sign that said new flavors.  Orange Cream for cold brew was one of them!  I of course had to get one.  I got mine with almond milk and OMGOSH it was like sipping coffee heaven....the orange cream cold foam tasted just like a creamsicle.  Without the  sugar and calories. I had them do just one pump of the vanilla syrup. I'm thankful I had money on my *$ app and that it was so refreshing on a hot, humid day. 

• WORDS OF WISDOM:  My counselor-friend Cheryl had texted and emailed me this week and her words of wisdom really helped and encouraged me. And then our pastor's wife also sent me an encouraging text and I'm just so thankful for friends who tell you they're praying for you and have words of wisdom from God's Word to help. The thing I most appreciate? They both know and have experienced what I'm walking through.  

• MOVIE:  Dave was away all weekend into Monday morning to visit his mom in MA and I couldn't go as I had a commitment on Sunday morning. In the late afternoon, I decided to see what was new on Netflix and found this movie. Oh my.  It's SO very good. A nice, clean, family drama based on a true story!  Hillary Swank was marvelous in this movie. It's a bit of a tear-jerker but it isn't sappy at all.  It was refreshing to see a good clean movie and I'm thankful Netflix is offering more of this type of thing. 

Black Lake at Cherry Plain State Park
eastern NYS

sand, sunshine, and solitude 

• SOLITUDE:  The plans I had with my sister Hope and youngest daughter Claire for Thursday fell through due to Hope's area of the state experiencing thunderstorms.  Our storms weren't expected until about 5 pm so on the spur of the moment, around 9 AM, I decided to drive 40 minutes east to a state park I like because during the week there's hardly anyone ever there. Sure enough, after I swiped my Empire Pass, I drove to the beach lot and I was the only one there besides one of the park rangers who was doing yard work. I passed by 2 campsites that were occupied and in the distance I saw a woman swimming from the other side of the lake. I was the only one on the beach for about 45 minutes and I was so thankful.  I had time to do some journaling, praying, reading and then just 1 mom walked over from their campsite with her 2 elementary aged children who played quietly in the sand and shallows of the lake. It was what my body and soul needed....some sand, some sun, the fresh cold mountain water (I went in 3 times cause the heat and humidity felt like 90 degrees F) and solitude. I'm thankful for our NYS parks and for the beauty God has made. I'm thankful I could spend the morning at the lake. 

Those are the special blessings that made me smile and say "Thank You, God". 

What about you? What good things did God bring into your week?