His Face

 

Lisha Kill Preserve 

The morning started out with me just wanting to get in a trail run (only to discover my chiropractor and PT are correct...trail running brings on the cervical spine pain so I can no longer do this activity...I'm stubborn...I just really wanted to try one more time thinking maybe God had healed me) and have a kind of "sabbath" with God in the woods at a local nature preserve I hadn't been to since last December. 

Well, God had other plans. And yes, He's healed me, but not in the physical sense. 

As I ran, I felt the sun shining through the trees. I was the only human in these woods. I had no fear. It was a crisp, cool morning.  

As I continued to run, I stopped because I heard a thrashing sound and immediately...before I could whip out my phone and snap a pic.....two full grown, beautiful deer bounded away from me about 8 feet from where I was standing.  I gasped because I heard that Scripture in my head: 

And all of a sudden...just like God does when we are making space for Sabbath, He whispered to my soul.  I wrote the words down in my phone notes app so I wouldn't forget: 

"You've been parched for My abundant joy these last four months. But you needed to find My Peace first.  Like this creek is parched for more water and relies on Me to send the rain, find your Living Water in Me. Rely on Me." 

the Lisha Kill (Creek) where the deer bounded up from

 I continued to do a slow jog and finally when my upper back was screaming, I slowed down to a stroll.  So much for getting the heart rate up. I was more interested in my heart's spiritual condition! And I was overwhelmed with gratitude that it seemed like Jesus was walking right alongside me. It's so hard to explain this experience.  And then these words: 

"You find your peace and joy in My Spirit which is in you and all around you and you will continue in this Peace.  Joy comes from My Peace. I made you strong to endure those trials and your weaknesses which in your case is the need to control your life, those horrible triggers that crop up, and your own personal impatience with Me and with your self. Those are the things I'm using to give you strength! I will use your weaknesses like I did Gideon's and you will be strong but it's MY Strength in you. I have used those triggers to get you to a new place. I have used your need to control by doing things out of the order in which you yourself would have done them. I have told you this. Believe this. Look to Me for your strength. Your weaknesses were used to find My Peace. And now My Joy." 

I began to make my way through the woods and soon realized I was a little bit lost. I had no markers....theere was a lot of blowdown and the trail was no longer apparent due to all the fallen leaves. 

But I had no fear and when I looked up, into the sky, it was like the face of God was shining down on me. After all, Jesus is the Light of the world! God is Light! 

I have always....my entire life since age 15....wanted to touch the Hand of God. I've never felt like I could quite reach it. I won't go into details as to why that is, but some of you reading this, know my testimony and my angst surrounding this. But today? I felt like if I reached my hand up, He would hold it. 

I "felt" as though Jesus Himself was holding my hand. It was such an emotional moment but it was also a powerful one because I can now "see" that He holds us. He does. There are so many Scriptures about this. Jesus sits at the right hand of the Throne. God holds us by the right hand. Well, I stretched out my left hand because I'm left handed and it's just natural for me to do so. Plus I needed my right hand to snap the pic.  😊   In Biblical  tradition, the right hand symbolizes strength and protection. But for us? I'm sure God is ok with us imagining our left hand being held!    One of my fave Scriptures is this one: 

I continued walking down to the creek and then back up once I found the trail again.  And I was a little sad that I couldnt....shouldn't.....run.  But again, God spoke something to me and it actually brought such comfort:

"you don't need to run physically any more. You still get to hike and walk in the woods and up mountains. But more importantly, my child, you don't need to run from your thoughts anymore.  Give your thoughts to Me, talk to Me about them. Even if you have to read something over and over and over in My Word.  Even if you have to call a friend for support.  You have tried running from Me, your thoughts, your past....but I AM the I Am and I am using all of it to strengthen you, to free you. I love you deeply. Your thoughts are important to me. I think about you so think about Me. "

There were so many other little lessons God showed me today while in His Creation. I'll share them another day, in another post. 

But the best one for me?

 That His Face shines on me, that He is all around me, and that He holds my hand. 

 

 

 

Mid-October Faves

 

It's Friday and time to share FIVE of my FAVE blessings from the week.  Susanne is our gracious host and I'm thankful she does this weekly writing exercise to get me to be more intentional about finding things to be thankful for. Head to her site to learn more and join in. 

• DAVE'S NEWS:  Dave came home from work on Friday evening with some amazing news.  He had had his annual performance review at the main office  and was told he was getting a significant raise.  He's been an employee and IT director at the company pictured above for 25 years and LTI is now part of the group featured in the link. We were so surprised and thankful!  Especially in this horrible economy.  God is good and we thank Him for this excellent report. 

Watch Hill trail in the central Adirondacks 

on the summit of Watch Hill
l-r: me, Celine, Ping

•  TWO SOULSTEPS HIKES:  this past week, I led a hike on Saturday morning and Wednesday all day.  Saturday's hike originally had 5 people signed up but 2 had injuries so had to bow out.  I had chosen this easy mountain to climb that I've done once years ago with my family, and last summer with my niece. It was a nice morning, although cold.  We started out at 34 degrees F and by the time we were done around noon, it was up to 56 F.  We were happy the sunshine was plentiful and it was "at peak foliage" in the Central Adirondacks.  For Wednesday's hike, there were originally 6 of us and it ended up being 4 of us.  It's a trail I've hiked numerous times, and my friend Joan had hiked it with me 2 summers ago.  The other 2 ladies had never hiked it.  We hiked a little bit further north than where I was on Saturday but it was still in the central part of the ADK.  The destination was Blue Ledges on the Hudson River and it's a 6 mile hike.  When we got there it was overcast and mild with temps in the 50s.  About a mile into the woods, it began to lightly rain, so we pulled on our hiking raincoats.  It didn't last long and at one point, when we were having lunch at the river, the sun came out with some patches of blue sky.  I'm thankful we all had a great time and stayed safe. If you're wondering why all the bright colors, it's because it is now hunting season in NYS. Here are my fave pics from the Wednesday hike: 

beginning of the trail at Blue Ledges
in the Hudson River Gorge Wilderness Area 

Joan took this photo of me getting across the creek
where the bridge was out...Karen and Melanie were after me

one of my very fave trees along the trail 

The "blue" ledges at the Hudson River at the end of the 3 miles
this was our destination and we made it! Sadly, the sun wasn't shining on the ledges
so the effect is more grey than blue. Note the rain cloud coming in on the right 

Our lunch spot/destination where the sun and blue sky came out
for about 20 minutes.  It is now past peak up in the central ADK

at the Hudson River/Blue Ledges
l-r: Joan, me, Melanie, Karen 

• SALE!  On Sunday after church, I ran to our local mall in the south part of town to take advantage of the Indigenous People Day/Columbus Day sale at this place.  I did well! I ended up with 3 pairs of jeans to replace old, faded and holey ones, and a  moisture wicking long sleeved workout tee/hiking shirt to replace one that I accidentally shrunk in the dryer.  (it's best to drip dry the hiking clothes). I'm thankful I got 4 different items for only $70.  One of the pairs of jeans was normally $60!  No way do I ever pay full price for a pair of jeans. I'm thankful for the good sale prices and discount. 

i was able to get 2 pairs of D jeans
for the price of one!

• ANNUAL AUTUMN GIRLS DAY: Monday was a bit overcast but warm.  The sun was in and out.  It was the annual autumn girls day away with my 2 girls and my sister Joy. We chose to be somewhat local as we all had had busy weekends or weeks ahead so we chose to explore this small town to the south of us. We had a good time shopping, drinking great coffee, and eating lunch in a cute Roastery/Cafe. I treasure time with both girls as we rarely can all get together on the same day anymore. I even found a hiking book I've never seen, about historic hikes in the Catskills region and a book of Ralph Waldo Emerson's essays.  Both were very inexpensive. I'm thankful we all found something we wanted and that we had nice weather to walk around on the famous Warren Street. I'm thankful we got there safely and back and that everyone had a nice time. 

Claire (the youngest, age 27) and Courtney (age 33)

where we ate lunch outside behind those planters on the left 

• AFTERNOON WITH A FRIEND: I really needed/wanted to talk to someone about a personal matter and my spiritual mentor wasn't available.  I reached out to my friend Joan because she knows some of my background and I trust her to be non-judgemental, and I know she knows Scripture well and I also know she's a good listener and won't try to "fix" the situation. She invited me out to her house and it was my first time on their 120 acres of beautiful land in a town to the east of where I live. She showed me all around this property that has been in her husband's family for several generations and then we sat in the glorious sunshine and talked.  I was able to share something with her that I've never shared with anyone and it felt good to get it off my chest and just have someone listen. We talked for a  long time and she shared some of the things she's gone through. It definitely drew us closer. I've only known this friend for 2 years but it feels like longer. I'm blessed to know her and I'm thankful we  prayed together. I had so much peace afterwards. It will be something I treasure for a long time. This quote sums up the kind of friend she is to me: 

That wraps up my week!  I'm also thankful that we've had some really nice Autumn days.  It's my favorite time of year.  (August-November). 

Whatever you have planned for the weekend, I hope you find time to savor the beauty of the season. 

An Imperfect Heart in the Chaos

 

It was one of those overcast days when the sun came out for a while and glimpses of bright, blue sky would peek through the cloud cover. Most of my morning power walk was at the town park just a bit north of my house. I chose to walk there because afterwards I had to do food shopping and the grocery store isn't far  from there. I was in a very contemplative mood. I was also in a kind of funk. Not really depressed....I really don't get depressed.  But kind of sad about a couple of things that are going on in my life and I just wanted to be in nature, which is so very healing. And of course, my spiritual temperament is "Naturalist" (per Gary Thomas' book Sacred Pathways). So I feel closest to God when in His creation. 

I started out slowly, then picked up my speed, kind of praying for friends with needs and then asking God what I was supposed to do about this certain situation in my life.   I didn't really hear anything from Him right away. I sensed my body beginning to relax even though I was at a good, brisk power walking speed at this point.  I decided to slow down again and just be.  Just casually walk for the last 10 minutes of my 30 min power walk.  I'm glad I slowed down.

It's in the slowing down of our bodies and minds that we begin to hear the Voice of God.  After all, He does say to

I started asking Him why there was always this chaos in my heart regarding completely trusting Him? It's been like that my whole life it seems like. I trust Him on some level.  I honestly do.  But there are times when the things I hold in my secret place.....in the deep part of my heart....I don't want to expose or let go of because to do so, would be to trust the One Whom I cannot see. And it involves the one I could see. Whom I could never trust. If I couldn't trust the one I could see, then how am I supposed to trust the One I cannot see? These are the chaotic thoughts that are constant in my mind.....constant when I allow them to be, I mean.  I've always been able to trust God with my future. It's much harder to trust Him with my past.. and even sometimes my present....especially when I sense I'm supposed to share some parts of me. Thus, the chaos. 

And then my mind was quickened to recall the Gideon study homework from this past week. I lead a small group of women and we're studying Priscilla Shirer's book on Gideon. It's excellent.  She said something in her video session that went like this:

"There is always a calling out of your chaos". 

And as I continued to walk the bike path, I looked ahead of me at how the fallen leaves looked so chaotic on the ground. They were literally blowing everywhere but this one spot there were just so many scattered all over the place.  Oak mixed with maple mixed with beech mixed with birch. It was definitely chaotic looking. There was also a kind of beauty to it.  And it reminded me of Priscilla's statement about our calling from chaos. 

And I thought... Yes there is. My calling? was to help abused children who were speech and language delayed as well as emotionally fragile. Those were chaotic days but oh so good days. I loved my teaching career. I actually miss it!  I know I helped the children God put in my classroom. Each year I would have 10 precious 3-6 yr olds. And each year, at least 2-4 would be survivors of abuse, whether physical or s*xual. It was definitely my calling. I thought I was going to be a music teacher but God certainly had other plans for me and I'm so glad I listened to His Voice back in the mid-80s. 

But now...all these years later, I found a journal I kept while going through counseling in my 30s, and in the journal was  one thing I had pushed so far down into my heart that I hadn't remembered it.  Yet there it was..this memory staring up at me in black and white before I burned it. 

That was 2 weeks ago. 

And  while I was walking, I saw this leaf and God started to speak in that still, small Voice. 

God basically showed me that I'm like this leaf with all these sharp edges. The edges look sharp but when I touched the leaf it was so smooth. 

The sharp edges are like the things I've survived or faced: some are physical, some are spiritual and many are emotional.  But they're smooth while being sharp. He was there smoothing the process. It didn't really make much sense to me but that's what I heard. 

I thought about the hard year of grad school and the internship/fellowship and all the long hours of research and teaching for a very small salary and how He provided everything I needed including a better car. 

I thought about when God brought Dave into my life and  how he gave me a husband for life and a friend for eternity. 

I thought about finally dealing with my own childhood s*xual abuse via an amazing woman friend and counselor whom I trusted explicitly and with whom God did an astounding work of forgiveness and emotional healing.  

I thought about surviving lyme disease for 8 months before I had an official diagnoses and how no doc could figure it out and how I spent hours on the internet researching my symptoms which finally led me to a lyme disease specialist. That was all God.  Then how I survived a horrible case of sciatica and 2 herniated disks and got through that. Again, it was God who led me to a church friend who led me to my amazing chiropractor. 

 And then the last 4 years of cervical spine pain with excruciating daily headaches that no meds could seem to take care of yet I pushed through all of that and God was there holding me up. And although He still hasn't miraculously healed me, I am doing much better now in 2026 physically, that I was in 2022. 

 And how the emotional  pain of losing my best friend to colon cancer at the age of 42 just wiped me out emotionally but His peace permeated my soul.

And how God led us out of a somewhat dysfunctional  inner city church to our wonderful church in our own community and where we've been members for the last 25 years and all the  friendships formed and ministries joined. How we have thrived there.  This was all God orchestrating it. 

 

And how I pushed through the difficult days of Dave's heart attack in 2014 when he was just 48 yrs old and how I had to be strong for him. 

And finally, the emotional and spiritual battle this past summer of being  shunned  by former church "friends"  for speaking truth and advocating for a survivor of s*xual abuse at the hands of one of their deacons,  and how this took  6 years of working through to the point where I could finally forgive them just a few months ago and how now.....those memories and people have faded. Just like God said they would. 

All of these things left me with sharp edges but He was there all along watching over me. And yet I still struggle to fully believe that He cared or was there. And I even told Him that in prayer as I turned around after the first mile and started back for my car. My head knows all of these things I"ve mentioned have been in God's plan for me and that He was there for me. It's my heart that needs to fully and finally grasp this. 

And that's when I saw this  leaf at the same time that I sensed God saying that He did see me and that His heart was broken: 

I was so shocked to see this perfectly broken leaf
after just hearing God's Voice, that I dropped my car key!

And what I heard?

It was this:  "Daughter, I was there all along and My Heart was broken for you.  I saw the evil, I saw the perpetrator and I saw your pain. I saw your silent tears. I saw your hardened heart. My heart was broken but My heart is perfect. You will not be made perfect until you are with Me in heaven. There are some things you may not know here on this earth. but know that I was there and I saw you and My Heart was broken.  and you know you need to tell someone this last piece. I, your Father God, will be there, too." 

Now what do I do with that?? This is just like what my counselor told me so many years ago. God was there. He saw me. I just was unaware of it. Just like Priscilla says in the study. He's omnipresent.  He's there all the time. We just don't always know it....or are aware of Him.   I know this  to be true. 

Pressing on.....to find Him....to believe this, in my own imperfect heart. 

Sunday Stealin' Survey

I'm waiting for the dryer to stop so I can fold the clothes before church, so am playing along with the Sunday Stealin' survey this week. Head over to this blog to join in! 

1. What was the last gift you received? 

My husband bought me earrings when we were at MOMA in Adams, MA in August. (Museum of Modern Art).  They're silver and I actually wore them yesterday! They look similar to the ones below except mine are all sterling silver. 

2. Who did you last hang out with?  

If you mean just here at home, then my husband on Friday evening. If you mean with a friend, then on the hike yesterday  with my 2 friends Ping and Celine. We hiked in the Central ADK area on a small mountain. 

me, Celine, Ping on Watch Hill summit

3. Do you often lose the remote? 

No. We only have one television and it sits in our Shaker style armoire/tv cupboard and the remotes (tv and apple tv one) stay in a large basket on our coffee table in the family room. 

4. When did you last check Facebook? 

last evening after dinner when I added some hiking pics to my hiking group's album. 

5. Are there scented candles in the room you're in?

I'm in the family room and yes....I have a coffee scented candle and an apple cinnamon one on a side table. 

6. Next time you leave the house, where will you be going? 

Church at Grace Fellowship/Latham for the 11 AM service. 

7. Do you know anyone named Steven or Stephen or Steve or Stevie? 

I know a Stephen.  He was a year younger than me in college and is an excellent musician and composer. I also knew a Steven as I dated someone with that name my 2nd-4th year of college. I also have a Steven in my hiking group.  I don't know anyone who goes by Steve or Stevie. 

8. Which do you prefer: Macaroni salad or potato salad? 

I much prefer my own  homemade  poppyseed pasta salad filled with all kinds of veggies  but if I'm in a restaurant, I prefer potato salad. 

poppyseed pasta salad

9. Do you have an ice maker in your refrigerator door?

No we do not. 

10.  When you woke up this morning, did you get up straightaway or did you lounge a bit?

I got up, used the bathroom, went down to get my first mug of coffee (I set it up to brew at 5:45 AM and the coffee maker is programmed to stay hot for 4 hours) and then brought it back to bed where I worked on the NYTimes Strands. 

Fun Survey! Have a great Sunday!