STAYCATION WEEK FAVES

 

This week has been unusual......Sunday was like perfect summer weather....as was last Saturday.....

Monday was ok and then Tuesday - yesterday morning was rain, rain, rain and very high humidity (with much lower temps).  We had flooding in our area of NYS, as did places down by NYC). Thankfully, we live on the Latham ridge so we had no flooding but our sump pump sure was working hard!  

It was also a 2 day work week for my husband....he wanted to do a staycation from Wednesday to Monday. We were supposed to go kayaking and an outdoor art park in the Catskills which of course didn't happen due to all the rain....as in pouring down in sheets rain.  So we went here instead and it was awesome!! Our oldest daughter came with us as she took the day off and it was her 2nd time there.  Highly recommend if you're ever in the Berkshires of MA. 

I'm here to share FIVE of my favorite blessings that came into our week.  Join in by heading over to Susanne's site to see what the FFF is all about.

FIVE FAVES

a wonderful trail through pine woods
for 1.7 miles to the end

• AFTERNOON HIKE:  Saturday was a perfect summer day.  Temps in the mountains ranged from 70-82 depending on where you were.  There was only a slight bit of humidity in the air.  And the skies were clear from the Canadian wildfires!  I had had 10 people signed up for hiking in the eastern Adirondacks to a remote pond.  It ended up being just 5 of us but that was actually perfect as the destination was rather a small area. I'm thankful two new members (a married couple from Indonesia) were signed up.  This was their 2nd hike with SoulSteps and it was really awesome getting to know more about them. They have only been at the church for about a year.  I'm thankful, too, that everyone loved the trail and the final destination was just so beautiful! The entire hike was 3.4 miles.  

Spectacle Pond
with Pharoah Mountain in the background
Pharaoh Lake Wilderness Area, eastern ADK

photo used with permission
SoulSteps hikers: Cindy R, Maggie, me, Lisi and Ridwan

all the ladies (photo by Ridwan)
Cindy, Lisi, me, Maggie
(Cindy and I have been friends since 2009
and she now goes to a different church...i love that she joined SoulSteps!)

• FUN WITH FRIENDS:  After the hike, it was only about 3:45 pm so the ladies who traveled with me in my car decided we should go get soft serve ice cream and find a real bathroom.  The married couple wanted to head over to Schroon Lake and check it out so we went our separate ways. Maggie and Cindy had never been to the Adirondack General Store and I knew there were real bathrooms there. It's located on the edge of the eastern side of Schroon Lake in the town of Schroon but the hamlet of Adirondack.  Got that?! We headed over as it was only a 6 minute drive from the trailhead. And the owner was just closing!! They close at 4 pm. BUT...he insisted he take our photos in front of all his iconic 60s/70s themed signs. I had so much fun and it was a day I really needed without even realizing that I needed some fun with good friends. I'm thankful for friends in Christ to do life with!

Cindy, me, Maggie
in front of the very iconic
Adirondack General Store
in the hamlet of  Adirondack NY

He has the smallest liquor store in NYS!

He said we were like models...HA! 

After we spent some time talking to him about hiking, and all the iconic treasures of the mountains, we headed over to this place for soft serve. That was my dinner!  I  chose chocolate orange twist in a dish and wow did that taste great!  It's my 2nd fave place for soft serve in the ADK. 

• PRAYERS/Encouraging Emails: I had an answer to something I had been praying for on and off for many years....regarding a former student.......I was so thankful to see she is alive, well, a Christ follower (!!)  and thriving as a young adult. God is so good.  I'm not at liberty to share more but I'm so thankful. Also,  3 different friends who are very special to me, sent me some encouraging emails and texts. One was my counselor-friend and her email blew me away because it was so confirming of some things I'm currently working on.  I'm taking a sabbatical of all the ministry duties I volunteer with (it started Sunday) until August 14th and between my friends Joan, Shawna,  and Cheryl, it was just so encouraging to me to read the Scriptures they sent, the wisdom, the Truths.....I'm thankful for my dearest friends who aren't afraid to tell me Truth. And who aren't afraid to hear the hard stuff. They understand that even small group leaders need help sometimes.  One of the triggers for me this past week was running into a couple from our former  church at our current church and the whole exchange was odd and unsettling. Mainly because of the timing...the very week I'm dealing with what went down there! (if you're a faithful reader here you know what I'm talking about). They had a relative getting baptized. I can't get into it here but let's just say some very odd verbal exchanges were made with me and my husband.  I needed some major help afterward.....the timing of this was uncanny. But my friends totally saw it for what it was....and Every single one of them have been through either the same thing I'm going through or something similar. I honestly can't imagine doing life without my good friends. I'm so thankful to God for safe people and safe leadership. And I'm so thankful we transitioned to our church 21 years ago!  We have felt so safe here and have grown in so many ways! 

backsplash for new stove 

resized birthstone

• CHECKED OFF!  This past week, I was able to get several things checked off the "to do sometime this month" list:  order and put up the new tempered glass backsplash for our new stove; get my birthstone re-sized and polished; get items for Dave's party tonight; get all the rooms dusted, and gather the items I need for an interview I need to conduct on Sunday with a potential new member for the hiking group.  I've never met him so I had a few exta things to gather. I'm thankful I got everything done and now I'm working on the list for August. 

Dave enjoyed crab cakes as an appetizer....
I enjoyed the peach martini

Dave was thrilled to get lobster, clams and the works
He also enjoyed the white zinfandel to go with it

A free piece of cheesecake was a surprise 
especially because we had ordered the  chocolate lava cake to share

fun decor!

• BIRTHDAY DINNER!  Wednesday was Dave's 60th birthday.  Yes, he's 6 years younger than me and yet more mature than any older guy I dated in college!  When I asked him where he'd like to go for his birthday dinner, I figured he'd be like me and choose one of the more upscale restaurants here in town, in Albany, or Saratoga. Nope. He actually wanted to try a new-to-us seafood place that is kind of like a step up from fast food but much more casual than a fine dining restaurant.  He chose The Mighty Crab and WOW.  The seafood was Louisiana style and SO good. I was shocked. I am not a huge sea food fan as I grew up in central NYS and we rarely could get good fresh seafood. It's actually hard to get it here in eastern NY too (but we get great seafood in Boston!).  I like tilapia which was the only seafood choice I was willing to put into my body. I ordered it with the cornbread topping and it was fantastic! Too much sodium but oh so good. It came with cajun fries and I couldn't finish them..they were delicious but way too salty.  She heard me talking about his birthday gift and at the end of the meal surprised him with a free piece of cheesecake. I can't have cream cheese so I stuck to helping him eat the lava cake and he brought the cheesecake home to have another time. I'm so thankful we had a fun evening out.  We will definitely be back to eat here. Dave was in heaven that the lobster was good. He said the  clams were not great. He gets better ones on the Cape. 

Another blessing was a road trip yesterday to Mass MoCa.  Oh my goodness. We had such fun with our oldest daughter and the restaurant in the museum had such good food...we had a late lunch (Chicken caesar wrap for me and kiwi lemon sparkling water) and spent from noon to 5 pm closing time looking at every single exhibit. Here are  a few amazing pics from contemporary artists.  Everything was quite poetic.  There will be more on FB. 

The artist's hand....he's a potter....
my fave piece because this hand reminded me of Jesus, our Master Potter, 
reaching out for us......

I loved how vibrant this was. 

This hallway  reminded us of the 
Hall of Mirrors at Versailles
(we were there in 2010)

That wraps up my list of fave blessings.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend and if you're in the midwest, be careful out there with all those high temperatures we are seeing on our news!!

it can't be meaningless........

 

some trials are easy to get through.......

..........physical pain is like that for me........

...........labor and delivery was not too bad for me and although all the pain was in my back, how quickly I forgot it once that baby girl was lifted onto my chest.............both times.......I chose not to do drugs/medical intervention as I wanted to experience every single pain, every single push, every single cry..........plus I didn't want medication in my bloodstream entering my baby's as I was choosing to nurse her full time. 

this is how it's been with a cervical spine/daily headaches issue (which praise God, the daily headaches have greatly eased up thanks to work out routines and supplements).....I have been able to push through the pain........

..........not so much the pain of  spiritual/church abuse and childhood s*xual abuse.  The latter?  I've worked through it via an amazingly gifted counselor whom I'm thankful is also a good friend........but there are triggers that often pop up and when they do.....that emotional pain cuts deep......yes, even 30 years after the healing Presence of God showed up via theophostic prayer.........

.............maybe because he was a church leader........

................which leads me to the church leaders who also caused a different kind of abuse...an abuse of power, of cult-like activity, of not understanding that they covered up a crime,  of legalism, of not understanding the difference between preferences, convictions and core Biblical truth.......

....that emotional pain leads to needing to have meaning......

there must be meaning in this pain..........there's a reason for it.......

........to deal with it as a loss...to grieve it....and to then fully surrender to the One who makes it all possible.......??? that's a tough one..........

the pain of church abuse cuts very deep when you used to trust the people who did the betrayal.  Just when you think you are past something, along comes something to rear its ugly head and wham......you realize you only shoved it down to no longer dwell on it, rather than facing it, owning it, grieving it and then releasing it in surrender.........

the forgiveness part took awhile but it's done....

......now to grieve the loss and learn to trust God all over again......

it can't be meaningless......

The heart's cry: don't stop the madness, chaos or pain surrounding me......

God has to break my heart to bring me to my knees.........

and in that madness, there is meaning.......

.........to get me to a  place of surrender instead of living in survival mode.....

........because as my counselor friend just told me the other day........

..protection of the heart (a symptom of survival mode) and fully surrendering to God cannot be lived simultaneously........it's one or the other......

.......it's a struggle to be free.........

but it can't be meaningless........

BUSY WEEK FAVES

 

Wow...we are more than half-way through July and it's been a busy one this year. 

So I'm pausing to give thanks for FIVE blessings from a week of many, but these make the FAVE list that Susanne encourages us to find and share. To learn  more about the FFF, head to Susanne's blog. 

FIVE FAVES

a mess! 

end result

• CLEANING CHAOS: Last Saturday I had to  cancel a mountain hike due to the Canadian wildfires and bad air quality in the mountains and down here in the Capital Region (where it was actually worse).  Plus, there was rain almost all day.  So I went into a cleaning frenzy. I was actually looking for a specific Bible from my teen years (I was a young pre-teen when the Jesus Revolution began and it was in 1975 at age 15 when I became a Christ follower and was given The Way..the Bible that was all the rage with young people in the 1970s.) and in order to dig it out, I had to drag all the seasonal bins out of the basement closet (which is built under the stairs). Once I pulled everything out, I realized I needed to vacuum that space which took awhile. Finally after finding the Bible and another very special photo, I was ready to put everything back. This chore took me 2 hours because I ended up on the floor with  so many emotions and memories...all from one Bible and a photo. I'm thankful I had the afternoon to do this. It was a bit cathartic to be honest. I'm also thankful I got rid of alot of old junk...including old report cards my mother insisted I have. I'm thankful for memories but I  don't need all the "stuff". 

The Bible I used from about age 15-25.
And wow.....it contained quite the memories
and notes....and pictures........

• GRILLED DINNERS:  I'm thankful it's been a pretty good week for grilling dinner foods. I had bought some amazing haddock that was breaded with a parmesan-garlic topping and it was amazing!  Dave was so thankful I served something besides tofu. We also enjoyed grilled salmon this past week and grilled veggies. I was thankful we had some nice dinners together this past week and time to linger around the table and talk. 

so good!

• SOLO HIKE:  Monday was perfect summer hiking weather. There was virtually no humidity and the temps were in the low 70s in the mountains. I decided I needed to hike solo and since Dave  works from home on Mondays, this would leave him with a totally quiet house.  I headed to The Pinnacle, a small mountain (more like a hill!) just north of Lake George village.  Sadly, there were over 11 hikers on the trail that I ran into. I had forgotten how popular it is with the toursists from out of state who want to hike but usually need an easy hike. But, thankfully, once I got to the summit, I was alone for about 15 minutes and actually did some journaling. I really needed this quiet time in God's creation. I needed to hear from God and I did, regarding some personal issues. The hike was wonderful.  And it's only a 2.2 miles RT hike so I was done by noon. I'm thankful for time alone in God's beautiful creation. 

Lake George from the summit of Pinnacle

Friday evening downtime

• RELAXING FRIDAY EVENING:  Friday evening was one for total relaxation.  Dave was mentally tired from work and I was emotionally drained from many various situations going on in the hiking ministry I lead as well as my own personal life. We decided since it's been a hot minute, to just order a veggie pizza and have a bottle of Riesling.  I'm thankful my husband likes doing this. It was a good way to unwind after a stressful week. 

Moreau Lake 
Monday
on the unguarded beach on the far side of lake

• LAKE DAYS  Everyone who knows me knows I prefer cold mountain lakes to pools or even the ocean. I love the ocean.  But there's something about the Adirondack Mountain lakes that just has always cried "home" to me. And I'm not even that great of a swimmer! I was lucky  enough to get to 2 lakes this past week:  Monday, after hiking, I popped into the state park just 30 min north of my home and swam, then read a book for an hour.  It felt so nice to just be. There were only 3 other  people on the more private, unguarded beach.   Then yesterday, since Claire our youngest, has Thursdays off this summer, I've saved those days for her.....She chose for us to go to Loon Lake which takes about 1 hr and 20 min north from my house. I don't mind the drive and the town beach is free to park and use the beach. It's very shady in spots so if it's a super hot day, it's nice to have that choice. We stayed in the sun yesterday as the temps up there were just 72 and there was a very cool breeze the entire time. We ended up not swimming because the air was so cold!  How restful I felt at the lake.  Afterwards we discovered a new to us coffee shop where I ordered a maple cream hot coffee and let's just say I now have a new place to pop into when I am up that way. It was the best coffee I've had since Claire was at UNH and we used to go to the Freedom Cafe. It was a bit pricey but I was happy to give an ADK business my money. I want them to last! I'm thankful Claire and I had so much fun reading and relaxing and just talking.  These days are precious to me. 

Loon Lake
eastern ADK

Claire loves to read on the beach

as do I!!

That wraps up the faves that made me smile and say "thank You, God". 

But I would be remiss if I didn't mention another one: 

I'm thankful for my sisters in Christ...my friends from church, with whom we "do life" with. I've had texts and emails that were encouraging, as well as challenging this past week and I'm thankful I have these friends. I'm also thankful for those of you who commented or sent me emails,  on the very deep, emotional posts I wrote earlier these week most of which just came from God......Writing is a good outlet for the soul for sure. 

At least for me. I'm glad God spoke to me in that still, small Voice He uses to get our attention. 

Have a glorious weekend! I have an easy hike to lead tomorrow afternoon and then I'm on a sabbatical from leadership duties for the next 3 weeks!!  it is much needed. 

in the remembering

 A part of my journey that needs to be told........because once again God woke me up and said write. Just write the story because this is where the healing begins......

She was a tiny African-American little girl.  The youngest of 3. In an intact home in the city. They appeared to have it all together. 

She had a secret. 

I was a newlywed, young Master Teacher in a self -contained Special Education classroom in the inner city with  a suburban lifestyle. Dave and I were DINKS (double income no kids).  I was living my teaching dream and actively involved in a tiny church with a charismatic bent. I appeared to have it all together. 

I had a secret. 

She came to me at just under 3 years old. My program was for 3-5 year olds. 

She came to me mute...... but her eyes were alive. 

I was always told I was a talker..... but my eyes were often "dead". 

She never cried. 

I never cried. 

me before I needed glasses all the time...
..with my most special student
(I cannot share her name) 
this was about 1991 when she was about to turn 4

She was labeled "speech and language delayed with possible mental retardation".  Her strengths were her obedience/cooperation, her receptive language skills; and her  play skills, although about a year younger than what her  biological age was, were quiet and structured/organized. 

I had a MS in Educational Psychology/ Special Education with a permanent certification in NYS to teach birth-geriatric. My strengths were survival, organization, creativity, flexibility and rebelliousness/risk taking. (are those strengths?)

she came to me quiet. she followed all the classroom directions. she never spoke. from July to late autumn, she never uttered a word.

She didn't like to be touched/hugged/hold hands. She was fiercely independent. 

I didn't like to be touched or hugged (unless it was my husband). I was fiercely independent. ....

and I knew in my heart, and going against what the educational team thought (although the child psychologists on my team were in agreement with me), that she was selectively mute. I did not see evidence in our daily language/circle lessons nor in our small group instruction that she had mental retardation. There was no basis for it. 

Why did I believe that?

because i, too, was, mute, in a way. I never told my secret. and I sensed she had a powerfully deep secret.  

and I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt, that not only did I have my work cut out for me.....I had to establish trust in this child......I wanted her to let me hold her, hug her, help her.......give her a chance to be verbal....

but i knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I also was going to be helped by her ......that we would grow together.......

My classroom program was a play-based curriculum that I wrote myself based on each student's IEP goals and developmental milestones. It's how I got the job....I knew how to teach through play. 

I discovered the photo (above)  of us when I was going through the basement and walk in closet bins last Saturday. I was supposed to be leading a fun mountain hike but the threat of thunderstorms combined with the 90% humidity and bad air quality (over 150 in the mountains and 165 down here!!) forced me to cancel.  Good thing I did because we had pouring rain all last Saturday! 

As I pulled out the old Bible I had been searching for, there was the photo of C----- and I. Oh how I teared up. That precious child, now a full grown adult. Am I talking about her or me? I was all of 30 or 31 in that photo. She was almost 4 from what I can remember. I had her in my classroom for 2.5 years and was able to confidently send her off to Kindergarten. 

I sat on the basement floor thinking back on that time....remembering.......

the time before my own counseling began for my own childhood se*ual abuse. 

I thought about how things progressed with her........

........all that summer we played, learned new concepts, and laughed as a classroom team. Except C. She smiled but she never really laughed. She played. She swam. She had excellent "at age-level" receptive language skills. And I knew.......I knew.......by now she was 3 and thriving in many ways but not verbally. Her play skills were at the parallel play level (mainly because she wasn't talking; think "toddler"  typical children  parallel play between 18 mo and 2.5 yrs) but she was beginning to engage in the next level (typically ages 3-4) which is called "associative play".  I was encouraged....but concerned......she chose to parallel play most of the time. 

I explained to my team at our weekly team meeting that I did not think C was M.R.  I said I think she has a deep rooted emotional issue possibly stemming from abuse. I was just stared at. But I knew what I was talking about!! I knew.......

and it's in this remembering that it all came back to me......

how I longed for her to trust me...the hours I spent on the floor with her in the dramatic play corner of my classroom, with the dolls and the blocks and all the things......and how she would play next to me yet never crawled into my lap the way the other children did. I had to respect that.....because that is how one builds trust. You respect the boundaries put up even though you long to hold them close.....

how i did that with my own "friends" I would hold them at arm's length....oh yes, I did the whole "Christian hug" thing at church but I was very stilted in my movements and although music moves me to tears sometimes, in those years....my tears refused to fall.......thankfully a few years later, my own counselor understood the concept of not touching until time........not all adults get that......

and finally......one day.......was it late autumn or early winter...I honestly can't remember....but it was at least 4 months since she entered my classroom......that something broke through. Oh the many play therapy sessions I did with her. 

I was on the floor with just C----playing with our anatomically correct boy and girl dolls pretending to give them a bath (this is to work on self help skills: order of things, etc).  I quietly would say things like "ok it's time to take a bath". "take off your shirt"....basically, I was modeling with my own doll, and verbalizing, what I was playing.  Children learn best through play. 

3 students were working with my speech therapist in a corner on their speech goals and my small group instruction goals.   That left 6 students with my TA over in the fine motor area (legos, puzzles, free art, etc). 

C--- and I were alone. I kept modeling how to take a bath with the dolls. 

and then boom.

"daddy puts -----------in my mouth". ( I'm sure you can fill in the blank). 

My training kicked in. I told myself do.not.react.do.not.screw.this. up.

These were her first spoken words to me other than an occasional "ok" or "bye Faith". 

I simply repeated what she said. "Oh, daddy ------in your mouth. I wonder what that looks like". And then I paused. Inside i was praying please God let her talk or show me. This child is suffering. 

She picked up those dolls...and boy did she show me. 

I told her "that's scary. That's not ok. My job is to keep you safe. You are safe here, C-------" 

And she just continued to play, by dressing the dolls and moving on with her life.

Meanwhile? I'm on robot mode. I called Marta's name (my amazing TA who worked so very well with me and we could communicate without even speaking sometimes just by gestures and sign language. I asked her to gather the children onto the circle area and play music and do a movement game. The speech therapist left to go get the social worker. Social worker came into my room, I quietly spoke what just happened...she told me to make the call to CPS. 

Friends, that was one of the hardest calls I've ever had to make. I was going to rip apart a family. But I'd be damned if I allowed her to go home to that monster. 

Fast forward to a flurry of activity involving police, a restraining order, getting the mom some help and support, and getting dad out of the home. 

And guess who  crawled into my lap by the end of the week? 

I'm  telling you this because she had a safe place to crawl to. I had built trust with her and I wasn't gonna let her go. I know this story is hard to read. But sometimes the hard parts of remembering is also healing. 

God does that for us. He wants us to crawl to Him and He isn't going to let us go. I believed it then, and I believe it now. It's just so difficult to do sometimes when you don't feel that trust....when you think you're going to fall. 

The rest of C----'s story is special. We bonded over the next 2 years and i cried the day she left my classroom for good....graduating into kindergarten, a typical, strong, 5 year old. Her story doesn't end there. I was called into a meeting while out on maternity leave, and...... It's too painful for me to talk about here in this space. But know that many years later, God allowed me to see her. As a young adult. It was truly miraculous. If you are a personal friend of mine, I can share it with you at some point. It will fill you with gratitude for His Grace. 

I have placed the little photo of C---and I  on the microwave cart that sits by my kitchen door..the entrance from the garage that we use all the time. Next to it is a piece of driftwood; I will share why that's there in another post. 

The reason for the photo? 

for me to remember that I have a Light to shine......

.......I have a story to tell......(my own).......

And that God can use even broken people, like me,  to reach others......

I want to see this photo on my way out of the house to remember that He moves in mysterious ways to get us to a point of healing.......

It's in this remembering that God is softening my heart again. 

and maybe I can crawl into His lap once again........