where Love broke through

 

I'd been planning this hike for well over a year. When I discovered, through the hiking group I founded in 2024 (SoulSteps), that there was a member who was physically fit enough...and willing to hike outside the group....I was so grateful. I met Joan in the winter of 2024 when I spoke to a class at church about the group I was leading. In fact, her name was one of the first ones on the sign up sheet! 

Little did I know then what God was orchestrating.......

2 years of getting to know each other, mainly through the group hikes, left me feeling like I could trust her.  Trust is tough for me. As it is for any survivor of not only childhood s*xual abuse but church abuse as well. This summer? I was dealing...finally.....with the latter. I was feeling frustrated because my old methods of survival weren't working. The case came up in conversation after a small group of us were sharing about forgiveness. That led into this spiral of remembering things that belong in the darkness but needed to come out to the light. Things that needed to be exposed. Some were! I've written about the lawsuit here in the past...or at least have alluded to it..how I helped to advocate for a girl who had been abused by the hands of a deacon and how the leadership in that place, covered up the crime, claiming they would "take care of it". That's all I'm going to say about that case. It's really not my story to tell although I'm a a part of the lawsuit she brought forth. 

The part I had to deal with? The loss of old friends. The betrayal of leaders I once respected and although they gave us a difficult time regarding our decision to become members of a new church (the one we've been going  to and growing in since 2005), they did maintain the friendships via social media and when we would run into them at a funeral or a graduation party, they were always cordial. Until I stood up for the young girl. 

So....add spiritual/church abuse on top of s*xual abuse and it's damaging and difficult to navigate through life. (Yes, even with the healing I received through counseling and theophostic prayer regarding my own situation). But I always thought I was doing pretty well with it.   Until this summer  after praying a prayer of forgiveness,  when the enemy (Satan) really got into my head. And  3 weeks later..... still dealing with this....I finally had a hike that I didn't have to lead and one in which it was just a friend I  trust and me. 

I thought this would just be a fun day out with a good friend and a challenging trail to conquer.

Little did I know the challenge would be my heart. 

So..we started hiking in the morning and it was beautiful. The weather was perfect! 

about a half mile in from the southern end

the trail from the south
was to the left of the stream for
most of the first 4 miles 

the first glimpse from south trail
of Hoffman Mt (3693 ' elevation)
(no trail leads to the summit) 

And that's when Love began to break through.......

.........we had hiked, I think....about 4 miles and all of a sudden after trekking along next to a beautiful brook and through diverse terrain....I started to really process. We had been chatting, and there were silent times of just hiking, and I felt at home in this glorious wilderness and my body and mind felt safe.......and yet.......

.......there was this yearning to be at peace within 

............a yearning for God to touch me, see me, hear me, release me......

........................and a yearning to be free..........

The timeline is blurred in my head.......I can't remember tonight if what I'm about to share happened before we got to the Big Marsh (the halfway point) or after.  I think it was shortly after.......

first glimpse of Big Marsh
this is about 4.3 miles in 

another view....I love the mountain ridge

this was my fave spot on the entire hike
Hoffman Mountain and Big Marsh
I felt so safe here.......

and yet.............................



there were these tangled heartstrings longing to be made loose
and there was a yearning in my soul..................
for peace, joy, hope...................and I wanted to feel God

I usually feel closest to God in the woods and mountains
what was wrong with me???  Where was He? 

We continued hiking and Joan had been talking about something spiritual and I can't remember now what it was exactly but all of a sudden I heard myself asking

"they weren't really my friends, were they?"

my pastor's wife, my counselor, and 2 good friends (Joan being one of them) have been saying this to me over and over for the last month. it was finally breaking out of me......the realization that they were never true friends.

 Why? 

because true friends don't shun you when you stand up for Truth, when you show love to an abused girl, when you share your own testimony of your own childhood abuse making yourself vulnerable to more than 20 deacons/elders  and their wives and teaching them what to look for only to have them not take that knowledge and do the right thing....betrayal cuts deep and I was wounded and broken......

I had to sit down, so we found a perfect log off the trail in a little glen -type spot and just sat. My mind was racing, my heart was hard yet I felt like the pieces that were broken and tangled  were spinning all around trying to break free........and although I don't think my hands were clenched tight into fists like they've been during worship at church the last 3 weeks, they felt rigid.....I didn't want to break but I did want to break free..........I didn't want to cry and I was determined to not cry and show that depth of grief I could feel rising up in me ready to spill up and over........

Joan said she was going to read from the Jesus Calling devotional. I didn't want her to. I had started it at home while having breakfast and had to slam the book shut after the first paragraph......."Come to Me. Come to Me. Come to Me. This is my continual invitation to you, proclaimed in holy whispers". 

I felt tears welling up in my eyes.....I kept screaming inside my head "stop, don't cry, don't let go". yet my heart was aching......

........and she kept reading so calmly and quietly......." when your heart and mind are quiet, you can hear Me inviting you to draw near. Coming close to me requires no great effort on your part."  

at this point I could feel sobs rising up and out of me...I tried to stop them.......

..........and she kept reading......"Open yourself to my loving Presence so that I may fill you with My fullness. I want you to experience how wide and long and high and deep is My Love fro you so that you can know My Love that surpasses knowledge"  

I believe at this point I am fully crying and trying to stop but it isn't working. My heart had become so hardened I was afraid He wouldn't want me. What would Joan think of me?? I'm a small group leader! I need to get it together.......and yet.......

.........I felt the Spirit of God pulling those heartstrings like He did 30 years ago....only this time it was a lot harder........

............."This vast ocean of Love cannot be measured or explained, but it can be experienced". 

and then she read the Scriptures that went with the reading:

My mind was screaming "Are you kidding me? this was my journal writing a few days ago..that I wanted...needed.... to drink of the Living Water........"  

Was God showing up in this place? was Love really breaking through to rescue me like in the song I wanted to experience? 

Was Jesus really going to storm through the tower of my heart?

was He really going to break through? Wasn't He disappointed with me? Wasn't Joan wondering what the heck was wrong with me? 

and then this Scripture: 

And by then I was crying and wanting to pray......

it was God's perfect timing...and perfect place....when I  looked at Joan's face, I only saw the Love of God........

I prayed, releasing these old  hurts, old "friends" into His Hands for Him to pick up and you know what??

My thought that He couldn't hold my broken pieces and hold me at the same time wasn't an accurate thought. He can hold our brokenness and embrace us at the same time. He is mighty to save. 

I had to ask God to just take this from me and confess I couldn't do it anymore. I asked Him to make these memories and those people fade like the driftwood fades.........

..............and I felt free.......

I felt light in my spirit and just couldn't believe this was actually happening. 

Love broke through on that hike........

it still seems unreal........

I've since been able to share this with my pastor's wife (who was completely thrilled and so encouraging) and with Cheryl my counselor who was also so thankful and happy and was rejoicing with me.  And she explained that yes, I had major healing from the childhood trauma but that the beginning that I kept wondering about all summer???  

I kept hearing God whispering to me during my morning meditation and journaling to "go back to the beginning....it's in the remembering......go back to the beginning...."

I knew it wasn't my own beginning of abuse. I thought it was the time my little student was abused badly by her father and I voiced to my self that I would never tell anyone my secret and I would never trust God the Father ever again. 

But no.  Cheryl confirmed it was the beginning when I myself was 7.....because church abuse happened then too.  My pedophile was a youth leader. In  church.  And she said that is when I first experienced church abuse and now all these years later....another church abuse and that psychologists are now learning that that kind of abuse? from a church? is the most damaging of all.  

but Love broke through and I have experienced a joy, a hope and a peace that I haven't experienced in a long time. 

It's not fully over nor will it ever be......it cuts deep....but with clinging to Jesus the One who sets us free....the memories will fade and it might be 2 steps forward and 1 step back but the true work of letting go and releasing these people who really aren't friends is complete. 

When Love breaks through, your darkened soul becomes light because of His Light. 

And when you have a friend who shines that Light well and allows Love to show through......

there's safety in that. 

And that's freedom. 

and yes....we hiked the entire trail
and came out of the woods at 6 pm. 

because of this .......

 

As a little girl.....and then a teen....and then an adult........this Scripture has been one of my top 10 faves

I've always been drawn to the mountains........

my childhood home was in the foothills of the Adirondacks...the largest publicly protected park in the lower 48 states....larger than Yellowstone,  Glacier, Yosemite and the Grand Canyon combined. Let that sink in for a moment. 

my childhood family camp, until I was about 17, was in the southern Adirondack region.....close to many amazing mountain lakes and trails.....

for 10 days every July, from age 7-18, I was at our church's conference camp.....outside of Saratoga Springs....it was where I became a Christ follower (during the end of the  Jesus Revolution movement) and in my last year of church camp, I climbed my first ADK High Peak: Giant Mt.  That's really when I fell in love with this Scripture and with climbing. Even though we only had sneakers on and nothing but one water bottle each (what were our youth group leaders thinking??) we scaled that mountain and had a praise service on top......it's where I felt safe.....

Giant Mountain,  the ADK's 12th highest peak
elevation 4627"
I climbed that in 1978
this photo is one I took from the summit of Rooster Comb in 2020...
.....where is a fantastic view of Giant Mt and other high peaks
Since then, I have climbed to Giant's Nubble which i think is the 2nd point from the summit, 
going towards the right in the pic. 

Now? 

People ask me all the time why I get up at the crack of dawn (typically) and drive 2 hours to hike a 6 mile mountain. 

this is one reason: 

.....i like challenges....most of the peaks I summit are not like this one pictured..... I just happen to connect with the quote......

they are most like this one.......and it's because of this, I hike......

summit of Cascade Mt High Peak at 4098' elevation
August 2020

the views........the challenge.......

yup.....you have to climb up this and there's no ladder! 
Cascade Mt the "easiest" High Peak to climb in the ADK
this is where I have to walk sideways down so the discs
and the knees and the toes are not injured  
(of course I didn't know this until about 10 yrs ago) 

you must scramble up this 

or when you are on Rooster Comb Mt, which is one of my favorite mountains in the entire ADK High Peaks region, although it isn't  a peak that is over 4000' high, you actually get a bit of help before the final ascent: 

heading up Rooster Comb Mt

Is it worth it, people ask me? even my hiking group friends who only feel comfortable hiking on flat trails (which by the way is perfectly fine....any trail is an adventure!) cannot understand the pull of the mountain summit to me.......

is it worth it? 

Well...yes.......look: 

my niece Mady and I on the edge of Rooster Comb summit 

Mady and I on the summit of Hopkins Mountain, 3156' high
High Peaks region of the ADK 

I mean...look at the beauty!  That's God's art work! and I feel safe on a summit.....

it's because of this......seeing Him in the world He created.....it's where I feel closest to God.......and I feel safe.......

.........and honestly.....this past month, there's been a disconnect.......I've only hiked 4 mountains so far this year and I'm feeling antsy about getting on a summit again......And out of those 4, only one was over 3000' high (Haystack in Vermont). 

I have hiked 17 different trails since March with the SoulSteps group, or solo. 

But the mountains are calling to me, because God is calling me and I know there's this thing ...this obstacle in my life that I have to face......and in the mountains, I feel safe.......

..........and maybe with the hike that's coming up this week in the deep wilderness surrounded by my beloved mountains, I can finally release this to the One who made it all......

......maybe, because of this, I will "feel" that deep connection again......

because of this, maybe I will feel safe again........

on Rooster Comb Mt
looking at Marcy, our state's highest peak
because of this............i find God.........

The Driftwood Lesson

 

Moreau Lake State Park 

It was just lying there..........

..................stuck on the sand with the waves gently rocking it but not going anywhere........

..............bark stripped bare...........

A smaller piece next to my chair and I pick it up because it's rare to see driftwood at this state park lake. I was alone with my thoughts after hiking a small mountain by myself, asking God to reveal some things.....things that remain a mystery to me but ones that also are such a part of me........

and when I saw the driftwood, I wondered about it.........

I was not at a natural lake.........it's man made and the only time there are waves is when the wind is blowing strong......because no power boats are allowed on the lake........or jet skis.............................

How did it get to the more private side of the lake? 

Away from children playing marco polo and lifeguards blowing whistles and parents cooking on grills smoking hot and fragrant from charcoal...........

Why was there only one piece? Where was the tree it dropped from? 

Is it birch, beech, oak or maple? I know it isn't pine.

and I thought back to childhood when we would collect driftwood from the rugged shore of the Great Sacandaga and my mother would create artful pieces from the bits and have them all around the camp and on the coffee table at home.......lovingly crafted by hands that worked hard. 

and I thought about how I learned about driftwood.....and what love is and isn't. 

Driftwood happens when pieces of a tree are blown off due to storms and are then tossed and turned over and under the waves of a  lake or the ocean. 

The bark is stripped bare.....exposed to sunlight and fades slowly over time......

.......like my soul is stripped bare after being exposed to abuse and betrayals and it will slowly fade.........the memories......over time. 

Some already have. 

That's God. That's Love. He reaches down to break my heart into fragments and they're tossed and turned by all the emotions of grieving a loss.....loss of innocence and loss of trust. 

And when those emotions are all twisted up? 

He loves anyway.

Scripture says God is Love.

Victor Hugo (in Les Miserables c.1862) says "to love another person, is to see the face of God". 

But love doesn't hurt, doesn't abuse, doesn't lie, doesn't betray

Love, instead, is patient. Is kind. Is not rude, jealous or prideful. 

Love doesn't fail.

And it endures forever.......the gift of Love. 

And I am beginning to realize that God still loves me even with the distance I feel in my heart. And I know....I just know one day soon, He will take those twisted thoughts and emotions and straighten them out, bundle them up, and set them afloat......

to become like driftwood.

and the friends He's placed in my path this summer? 

They may say hard things to me.......Truth......but they're doing so out of a place of Love. ........and when I see them........their faces.......I see God in them. When I read their emails, or texts, I sense God in them. 

While my soul is stripped bare.......

..........and I struggle between survival and surrender......

they are patient. they are praying. 

and I can see the face of God in them......

.............because that's Love. 

Please note: the above sculpture pieces are from an exhibit at MASS MoCa this summer that I was fortunate to get to with my husband and oldest daughter. This particular exhibit is titled Spatial Poems by the artist Cecilia Vicuna, Sam Fresquez, Lola Ayisha Ogbara (Scars Insist on Being Remembered) 

it can't be meaningless........

 

some trials are easy to get through.......

..........physical pain is like that for me........

...........labor and delivery was not too bad for me and although all the pain was in my back, how quickly I forgot it once that baby girl was lifted onto my chest.............both times.......I chose not to do drugs/medical intervention as I wanted to experience every single pain, every single push, every single cry..........plus I didn't want medication in my bloodstream entering my baby's as I was choosing to nurse her full time. 

this is how it's been with a cervical spine/daily headaches issue (which praise God, the daily headaches have greatly eased up thanks to work out routines and supplements).....I have been able to push through the pain........

..........not so much the pain of  spiritual/church abuse and childhood s*xual abuse.  The latter?  I've worked through it via an amazingly gifted counselor whom I'm thankful is also a good friend........but there are triggers that often pop up and when they do.....that emotional pain cuts deep......yes, even 30 years after the healing Presence of God showed up via theophostic prayer.........

.............maybe because he was a church leader........

................which leads me to the church leaders who also caused a different kind of abuse...an abuse of power, of cult-like activity, of not understanding that they covered up a crime,  of legalism, of not understanding the difference between preferences, convictions and core Biblical truth.......

....that emotional pain leads to needing to have meaning......

there must be meaning in this pain..........there's a reason for it.......

........to deal with it as a loss...to grieve it....and to then fully surrender to the One who makes it all possible.......??? that's a tough one..........

the pain of church abuse cuts very deep when you used to trust the people who did the betrayal.  Just when you think you are past something, along comes something to rear its ugly head and wham......you realize you only shoved it down to no longer dwell on it, rather than facing it, owning it, grieving it and then releasing it in surrender.........

the forgiveness part took awhile but it's done....

......now to grieve the loss and learn to trust God all over again......

it can't be meaningless......

The heart's cry: don't stop the madness, chaos or pain surrounding me......

God has to break my heart to bring me to my knees.........

and in that madness, there is meaning.......

.........to get me to a  place of surrender instead of living in survival mode.....

........because as my counselor friend just told me the other day........

..protection of the heart (a symptom of survival mode) and fully surrendering to God cannot be lived simultaneously........it's one or the other......

.......it's a struggle to be free.........

but it can't be meaningless........

in the remembering

 A part of my journey that needs to be told........because once again God woke me up and said write. Just write the story because this is where the healing begins......

She was a tiny African-American little girl.  The youngest of 3. In an intact home in the city. They appeared to have it all together. 

She had a secret. 

I was a newlywed, young Master Teacher in a self -contained Special Education classroom in the inner city with  a suburban lifestyle. Dave and I were DINKS (double income no kids).  I was living my teaching dream and actively involved in a tiny church with a charismatic bent. I appeared to have it all together. 

I had a secret. 

She came to me at just under 3 years old. My program was for 3-5 year olds. 

She came to me mute...... but her eyes were alive. 

I was always told I was a talker..... but my eyes were often "dead". 

She never cried. 

I never cried. 

me before I needed glasses all the time...
..with my most special student
(I cannot share her name) 
this was about 1991 when she was about to turn 4

She was labeled "speech and language delayed with possible mental retardation".  Her strengths were her obedience/cooperation, her receptive language skills; and her  play skills, although about a year younger than what her  biological age was, were quiet and structured/organized. 

I had a MS in Educational Psychology/ Special Education with a permanent certification in NYS to teach birth-geriatric. My strengths were survival, organization, creativity, flexibility and rebelliousness/risk taking. (are those strengths?)

she came to me quiet. she followed all the classroom directions. she never spoke. from July to late autumn, she never uttered a word.

She didn't like to be touched/hugged/hold hands. She was fiercely independent. 

I didn't like to be touched or hugged (unless it was my husband). I was fiercely independent. ....

and I knew in my heart, and going against what the educational team thought (although the child psychologists on my team were in agreement with me), that she was selectively mute. I did not see evidence in our daily language/circle lessons nor in our small group instruction that she had mental retardation. There was no basis for it. 

Why did I believe that?

because i, too, was, mute, in a way. I never told my secret. and I sensed she had a powerfully deep secret.  

and I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt, that not only did I have my work cut out for me.....I had to establish trust in this child......I wanted her to let me hold her, hug her, help her.......give her a chance to be verbal....

but i knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I also was going to be helped by her ......that we would grow together.......

My classroom program was a play-based curriculum that I wrote myself based on each student's IEP goals and developmental milestones. It's how I got the job....I knew how to teach through play. 

I discovered the photo (above)  of us when I was going through the basement and walk in closet bins last Saturday. I was supposed to be leading a fun mountain hike but the threat of thunderstorms combined with the 90% humidity and bad air quality (over 150 in the mountains and 165 down here!!) forced me to cancel.  Good thing I did because we had pouring rain all last Saturday! 

As I pulled out the old Bible I had been searching for, there was the photo of C----- and I. Oh how I teared up. That precious child, now a full grown adult. Am I talking about her or me? I was all of 30 or 31 in that photo. She was almost 4 from what I can remember. I had her in my classroom for 2.5 years and was able to confidently send her off to Kindergarten. 

I sat on the basement floor thinking back on that time....remembering.......

the time before my own counseling began for my own childhood se*ual abuse. 

I thought about how things progressed with her........

........all that summer we played, learned new concepts, and laughed as a classroom team. Except C. She smiled but she never really laughed. She played. She swam. She had excellent "at age-level" receptive language skills. And I knew.......I knew.......by now she was 3 and thriving in many ways but not verbally. Her play skills were at the parallel play level (mainly because she wasn't talking; think "toddler"  typical children  parallel play between 18 mo and 2.5 yrs) but she was beginning to engage in the next level (typically ages 3-4) which is called "associative play".  I was encouraged....but concerned......she chose to parallel play most of the time. 

I explained to my team at our weekly team meeting that I did not think C was M.R.  I said I think she has a deep rooted emotional issue possibly stemming from abuse. I was just stared at. But I knew what I was talking about!! I knew.......

and it's in this remembering that it all came back to me......

how I longed for her to trust me...the hours I spent on the floor with her in the dramatic play corner of my classroom, with the dolls and the blocks and all the things......and how she would play next to me yet never crawled into my lap the way the other children did. I had to respect that.....because that is how one builds trust. You respect the boundaries put up even though you long to hold them close.....

how i did that with my own "friends" I would hold them at arm's length....oh yes, I did the whole "Christian hug" thing at church but I was very stilted in my movements and although music moves me to tears sometimes, in those years....my tears refused to fall.......thankfully a few years later, my own counselor understood the concept of not touching until time........not all adults get that......

and finally......one day.......was it late autumn or early winter...I honestly can't remember....but it was at least 4 months since she entered my classroom......that something broke through. Oh the many play therapy sessions I did with her. 

I was on the floor with just C----playing with our anatomically correct boy and girl dolls pretending to give them a bath (this is to work on self help skills: order of things, etc).  I quietly would say things like "ok it's time to take a bath". "take off your shirt"....basically, I was modeling with my own doll, and verbalizing, what I was playing.  Children learn best through play. 

3 students were working with my speech therapist in a corner on their speech goals and my small group instruction goals.   That left 6 students with my TA over in the fine motor area (legos, puzzles, free art, etc). 

C--- and I were alone. I kept modeling how to take a bath with the dolls. 

and then boom.

"daddy puts -----------in my mouth". ( I'm sure you can fill in the blank). 

My training kicked in. I told myself do.not.react.do.not.screw.this. up.

These were her first spoken words to me other than an occasional "ok" or "bye Faith". 

I simply repeated what she said. "Oh, daddy ------in your mouth. I wonder what that looks like". And then I paused. Inside i was praying please God let her talk or show me. This child is suffering. 

She picked up those dolls...and boy did she show me. 

I told her "that's scary. That's not ok. My job is to keep you safe. You are safe here, C-------" 

And she just continued to play, by dressing the dolls and moving on with her life.

Meanwhile? I'm on robot mode. I called Marta's name (my amazing TA who worked so very well with me and we could communicate without even speaking sometimes just by gestures and sign language. I asked her to gather the children onto the circle area and play music and do a movement game. The speech therapist left to go get the social worker. Social worker came into my room, I quietly spoke what just happened...she told me to make the call to CPS. 

Friends, that was one of the hardest calls I've ever had to make. I was going to rip apart a family. But I'd be damned if I allowed her to go home to that monster. 

Fast forward to a flurry of activity involving police, a restraining order, getting the mom some help and support, and getting dad out of the home. 

And guess who  crawled into my lap by the end of the week? 

I'm  telling you this because she had a safe place to crawl to. I had built trust with her and I wasn't gonna let her go. I know this story is hard to read. But sometimes the hard parts of remembering is also healing. 

God does that for us. He wants us to crawl to Him and He isn't going to let us go. I believed it then, and I believe it now. It's just so difficult to do sometimes when you don't feel that trust....when you think you're going to fall. 

The rest of C----'s story is special. We bonded over the next 2 years and i cried the day she left my classroom for good....graduating into kindergarten, a typical, strong, 5 year old. Her story doesn't end there. I was called into a meeting while out on maternity leave, and...... It's too painful for me to talk about here in this space. But know that many years later, God allowed me to see her. As a young adult. It was truly miraculous. If you are a personal friend of mine, I can share it with you at some point. It will fill you with gratitude for His Grace. 

I have placed the little photo of C---and I  on the microwave cart that sits by my kitchen door..the entrance from the garage that we use all the time. Next to it is a piece of driftwood; I will share why that's there in another post. 

The reason for the photo? 

for me to remember that I have a Light to shine......

.......I have a story to tell......(my own).......

And that God can use even broken people, like me,  to reach others......

I want to see this photo on my way out of the house to remember that He moves in mysterious ways to get us to a point of healing.......

It's in this remembering that God is softening my heart again. 

and maybe I can crawl into His lap once again........

Where the Healing Begins

 

Sometimes I just need to hike alone. 

If I had been braver, I would have escaped to Goodnow Mt one of my fave trails and mountain summits in the lower High Peaks. But there was a bear sighting there recently and so......I chose a closer to home little mountain...a hill really...called The Pinnacle. I'm not a huge fan of the trail and it's very popular but I was alone on the summit for a solid 15 minutes. Just enough time to cry out to God, before more hikers invaded. and just enough time for me to write down what He was whispering...shouting........to my heart. 

These are my thoughts from the day....most of these thoughts came about while actually hiking the 1.1 miles to the summit. I jotted them down in my journal and am writing here from some of those writings from the mountain. 

I'm not going to go into why I'm in this place. This place in my mind, soul, and heart again. On and on it goes.......sometimes 5 years go by and I don't dwell on this issue.....but this summer....ever since a discussion on forgiveness and then the actual forgiving during a prayer time with friends, I've been haunted by this one last thing. This holding on to something which I need to release, yet am stuck. So my thoughts while traversing over loose rocks, went like this: 

I'm caught in an in-between.....

between holding the Hand of my Savior 

to

clenching my fists with old loves, old friends, old hurts locked inside

and Satan laughing because he thinks he won this battle. 

But he hasn't. 

Cause I'm a survivor

I'm wanting God to hold my breaking heart but I'm so used to being in that survival mode I'm afraid to surrender.......

............for to surrender is to fall......

............................................................. and who's going to catch me? 

But just like God.......He showed me His Love in the form of  something He created. 

And then I see a wildflower with several blooms, standing alone among the weeds but it's tall and is that me? and He whispers, that's like you with friends all around you but these are safe friends, trustworthy friends and they will stand with you. 

And then I come to the summit and I say, God I see evidence that you are all around me but why do you feel so distant?? 

And then I sat.  In the quiet. It was peaceful but my heart and mind were not at peace. 

I whispered "God please talk to me about this pain" 

And here's what I journaled as His Spirit moved my pen so fast across the paper I could barely keep up and had to re-read it after I was done writing.......

This is where the healing begins

This is where the healing starts 

(like the song!)

When you come to where you're broken within....My Light will meet your dark.......

My Spirit sees you have forgiven your own abuser and those former leaders.  However, you're afraid to see Truth....the Truth that will set you o nthe path to healing is to see that none of those people were your friends. They were acquaintances who judged you. time and time again. 

I've given you people now to be your true friends....but you're so afraid to get close to them. 

You hold them at arm's length and for many that's ok.....for the ones that are acquaintances......

but Oh my daughter, you have been given some true friends. 

Friends who can speak into your life.  Friends who aren't afraid to tell you the Truth. Friends whom you can trust. Friends who won't betray you. 

I see the disappointments and losses you've had to face these last few years: the loss of your earthly father, the loss of trail running that you loved so much, the loss of climbing certain mountains due to your spine issues and I saw you when you had constant headache pain. I never left you. You endured so much physical pain and pushed past it. Can you not see I am here...your friends are here....to help you push through this emotional pain?? 

You had to grieve the loss of your spiritual mentor M...she left the church and has her own issues with church abuse and refuses to deal with it....maybe that's a loss for your best.....you, my daughter, are going to deal with it.......

I've given you a different friend in her place....do not shut her out. You have shut out people in your past.  Do you not see I had a purpose for you in creating SoulSteps beyond the hiking fun? You have begun to form friendships with some of these women. I knew exactly who you needed in your life......and this is where your healing begins. 

Your friends want to walk with you as you release the old and grab onto the new...the Truth.........I will have a perfect time for that release....for you to release these people from your past.  I will have a perfect time for you to unclench those fists, and surrender to My Love completely. And then you will go and share your healing with others. 

Your friends won't judge you. They accept you. 

You long for approval from past leaders but you will never get it...nor will they ask you to forgive them because it is MY Spirit and My Spirit only that can move them.

Your new friends? They don't see you as broken.  They do see you as strong but they pray for you to release the pain of lost friends and embrace the new ones. 

You're like the green leaf with the torn spot.  You're growing in Me and you have over the years but you have this torn spot that I want to make whole. 

It all comes down to trust. 

This is where your healing begins.