Lifting my eyes

 

on the summit of Rooster Comb Mt
(photo compliments of Joan B)

It was a perfect, early Autumn day.  God totally blessed us here in the Northeast with temps in the low 60s (my fave to hike in), clear skies and full sunshine.  The perfect day for hiking up my favorite, small mountain in the High Peaks region of the Adirondacks. This was my 6th time going up.  It was probably one of my favorite times.   I was so thankful I didn't need to crawl on my hands and knees on the last thrust up like I had to do two years ago.  I guess all of my work-outs and  chiropractic alignments have paid off!  It's a small mountain meaning the elevation is less than 3000' high.  But it packs a punch because it is relentless in the approach......

.........like I'm relentless in my pursuit of peace and  seeing God. 

I wanted to hike this by myself. And maybe one day I will. But most of my family and friends don't like that idea so I had asked my friend Joan if she'd like to hike it. And she asked another friend to join us.  I have to admit I was a bit intimidated by the thought of Joy S coming along because she is so strong physically, and fit.  I thought she might think it was too easy of a climb.  But once we got there, all those kinds of thoughts just left my mind because I was in my happy place.  This mountain is just so special to me and I have shared it with 4 friends and my niece in the past.  Each time it was just 2 of us hiking. 

When we started out, I was super pumped. I could feel my body start to relax, as well as my mind. I've been struggling with thoughts of "how am I going to manage leading three groups this semester, 2 of which are Bible studies and both are books that "go deep" spiritually speaking. Both are "easy" reads and one is workbook style so homework....but....the other one, the Psalms one, will take a lot of preparing for  us to get to the "meat" of the study.  I know I'm supposed to lead this group, though, and it was confirmed by more than one person. But all of those thoughts were just slipping away as I trekked up those boulders and across the pine needles.  I was starting to doubt, though, if I could actually make it, physically,  up the summit. My spine issues scare me sometimes and although I was 95% positive I could get up it, that 5% of  "what about my knees?" was causing me to doubt. 

But these women I was with were very encouraging, which is a plus when hiking with other people.  They didn't seem to mind that I was trekking rather slowly. 

From the lookout on the way to the summit
This is a view of the Brothers which I've climbed in the past
and the Keene Valley below 

And I realized, when I got to the lookout, that our paces are all going to be different because we are all different. God made each of us unique. It doesn't matter that I was hiking with this woman whom  I barely know who is so fit in her upper body due to CrossFit weight workouts. She's so muscular!!  But I realized, that although I'm thinner, I also have good muscles in my legs.  Which is needed for mountains. So I thanked God quietly that I get to hike. I can still move my body! I thank Him every day for that. 

More importantly, though, to me, is the spiritual lesson He showed me once we got to that true summit. 

Giant Mt...the mountain I climbed at age 18 in 1978
and that just made me fall in love with hiking 
When I see it, I feel "home".  I feel safe. I feel at peace. 

I went off by myself to my favorite spot to sit when I scale this summit and I was anxious to see if God was going to "speak" to me while I journaled about the hike. 

He did. 

my fave spot on top of Rooster Comb

Here's what He showed me: 

First: He was confirming some things about an emotional/spiritual battle I was in this summer: 

"you're stronger that you realize, both physically and emotionally. Even spiritually, my daughter. I am healing you~~ the mountains I've created are very healing for you~~ you feel closest to Me here but I am everywhere, even at home in the valley." 

And then:

"See those dead trees? Those represent the people whom I've removed from your life~~they're  fading like driftwood just like I told you! More and more, as you draw closer to Me, you will find that they fade and yet you'll be surrounded by my beauty in your new friends~~ they're like the colored trees....all are different yet all stand tall in their faith just like you are striving to do.  Do life with them". 

a hint of autumnal color in the High Peaks Wilderness below
if you look closely, you can see "dead" trees just below the summit
and scattered throughout the forest 

And then a little bit later, while I was eating some lunch, I heard this from Him:

"Just like you're standing on this rock, stand on Me! I am the Rock and your fortress~~ in Me you will find strength to lead your groups and to share your own healing~~Keep putting one foot forward like you did going up this mountain. Sometimes it will be slow and steady and other times your growth will be a sprint.  Keep your feet firmly planted on Me your Rock and your Redeemer. " 

summit of Rooster Comb Mt with Giant in the back

Why am I sharing these words from my journal?

The hope is that it would encourage you as you walk your own journey....that we can hear from God when we are quiet...and still before Him....that He does answer our questions, when we take time to be intimate with Him.....

Are your feet firmly planted on the Rock? 

God Moments

 

Moreau Lake State Park
12 Sept

I was   at the lake by 11 AM after sleeping from 1 AM to 7:45 AM.  I had been at Worship in the Pines with 3 friends and we didn't get home until close to midnight. So when I woke up and saw it was going to be a glorious day for sunshine, sand and the lake, I decided to just toss on a bathing suit, grab my fiction book, beach bag and a sweatshirt/shorts and get up to where I knew there'd be hardly anyone on the beach.  It was only 68 F up there and breezy. On the beach, a young family with 2 little ones were leaving which left just me and another woman who was  sitting  further down the beach.  We had the entire beach to ourselves the 2.5 hours I was there, except for the occasional person walking on the edge of the lake and then leaving. There were quite a few kayaks and canoes on the water.  

It was so peaceful and the sun was amazing.  I like to continue my tan as long as I can, and today was the perfect day for it. I had an apple, my coffee and water.  After applying sunscreen, I prayed and thanked God for last evening and for the glorious weather He gave us these 2 days in a row and then prayed for my husband, who once again, is away this weekend..this time at a gaming convention in a nearby city.  I read 4-5 chapters in my book and then decided to ask God a question. 

The conversation went like this: 

me: God, why did I feel pity last night, when I ran into 3 of the people who were at that good-bye party 2 weeks ago?  They were blatantly staring me down while in line for our rental chairs. They were ahead of my group, God, and yet they felt compelled to turn around and just stare. Why did I only feel pity for them? 

And then I waited. Silence. 

Ok...so maybe God wasn't going to answer me this time. I got up to return my coffee carafe to the car and grab my water and use the bathroom. 

On the way back down the beach to my chair, I spied a very thin piece of totally stripped driftwood. Next to a heart shaped leaf in yellow, which is like the sun which reminds me of the Son. 

I picked them up. I love nature and seeing what God has created.  And what's with the driftwood this year at Moreau Lake?? 

I took a pic to show my oldest daughter who loves finding hearts in nature. 

And then I sensed His Spirit speaking to my heart:

"you felt pity because your memories are fading like I, your Father in Heaven, told you would happen. The leaf represents my love for you. I held your heart last night. Your memories, along with the rage, sadness, hurt, confusion, and betrayal, are fading like this tiny piece of driftwood which is stripped bare. I told you this was a process. I wanted you to see today that your pity is ok. It's replacing  all of those negative emotions you gave me on the mountain last week."  

And friends.....don't be fooled if you think you can't hear from God....sometimes He uses the simple things of nature to speak to us. 

I call those God moments. I thank Him for those. 

He Sings Over Us!

 

This Scripture. 

God is all about me wanting to meditate on this verse from Zephaniah.  It seems like everywhere I turn, including today's Worship Initiative devotional (the song was Mighty to Save which we've done in church many times), in the Jesus Calling book recently, and in my own devotional time with my Bible. All in a matter of days. 

You think He's trying to tell me something? remind me? teach me? 

I had a rough couple of days. All due to something that was totally triggering and I won't go into it here, but let's just say, the event Dave and I were at  was from 1-6 pm.  I lasted about 15 minutes. I had originally planned on just a quick drop in, and then a quick leave. But Dave was in a conversation with someone so there I was.....I had to get out of there. Thankfully, my husband was ok with that. 

And like typical me fashion, I tried to take control of this thing rather than giving it over to God. I imagined placing a deep, dark cave into my heart.  Why? because the trunk (box) I had there for years, was shattered just a couple weeks ago.  You can read about that experience here if you want the back story. God had done a healing in that part of my heart. 

But this? No way was I going to deal with it.  I vowed I was done. I was done crying about it, I was done talking about it, I was done.  So in went the toxic people, the pain, the betrayal, and the trust;  and I visualized slamming a granite slab over the cave opening so Light couldn't get in and the darkness could stay buried.  This time I was in control. 

This granite pic? That's what I pictured over the mouth of this "cave" in my heart.  Heavy. Impenetrable. Unmoving. No cracks. 

granite trail up Cascade Mt High Peaks ADK

or so I thought. 

It lasted about a day. 

My mind kept coming back to the Scripture shown above. But all of the joy, hope and soul-freedom that flooded by very being the last 2 weeks was also shut up in that cave. And I knew what the root problem was. (TRUST) But I didn't want to think about it or admit it. My mind also went back to my life verse over and over again. 

And yes, I was seeing that Scripture all over the place, too! 

God was pursuing me. Yet again. 

But this time I  wanted no part of it. I completely deadened my soul, emotions, and heart for about a day. And it felt horrible. I could no longer do it. "I did this for years," I was screaming out to God. "Why won't it work now?" and I heard nothing back. Silence. 

And then Tuesday began. I decided I should listen to the Worship Intiative song which happened to be an old hymn my dad used to love. I kept telling myself Be strong. You're a survivor. You can keep them locked away...all that pain....just keep it in the cave and move on with your life." 

 But...this hymn!  It's called Abide With Me.  

Here's the version from one of my fave Christian singers. 

And as the team started singing it and the music is pouring out of my phone, I began to sob, all the while thinking, but wait...I shut up my tears in that cave.   

But then I realized that nothing is impenetrable to God. He is Mighty to Save. (and oh yeah...there's that song for today's daily worship.  My friends..there are no coincidences with God Almighty.). 

There were cracks in that granite slab because God was wanting these things to be released to Him. To trust Him. Again. 

His Light was shining through. Because Light wins. Every.single.time. 

Trust has been so hard for me.  Many of you know the reason why trust has been difficult.  It's still a work in progress and probably always will be. 

But first I had to ask God to forgive me for harboring hatred towards certain people from my past. That was a hard, but necessary prayer. Because as a Christ follower, I want to represent Jesus well....and to do that, I need to love the way Jesus loves. He loved his enemies. It doesn't mean He was close friends with them. There are some relationships that are never going to be restored. 

 For me? God revealed to my heart something while I was driving yesterday afternoon. I pulled over to write it down in my notes app. And I emailed it to my friend J who had talked with me on the phone earlier  and knew what was going on. 

Here's what God was impressing on my heart (after I asked Him "why would I want to create another space in my heart like this cave?"):

Because you want to take control and you want to hang on to that last bit of betrayal.  Because to do so, means YOU have the power.  You feel like if you release them to Me, they win.  But they don't win. YOU win when you let My Love heal your brokenness.  You've done this before. Give me that betrayal. You asked Me to forgive you for your hatred.  You don't need to be friends with these people from your past. Like driftwood, they WILL fade over time. Let them. Come to My Son Jesus every single morning and tell Him  to take them.  He can carry that burden. You cannot. I want to love you with an everlasting Love. You are safe, you are loved, you will survive but your survival is in surrendering completely to Me. Every day. Trust the people I have put in your life now. Trust Me. 

And then of course the Zephaniah verse came back into my mind. 

Zephaniah had told the people in his time to be silent before God. (Zeph 1:7) That God wouldn't tolerate wickedness, complacency or idolatry. The betrayal I was holding on to was in some ways like an idol. I was placing it before God. I wasn't trusting Jesus with it! And He  knows better than any of us what betrayal feels like. 

And at times, we also need to be silent. We need to stop our activity...slow down our minds.....and stand in silence before God. It is then that we will be able to hear Him.  To hear what He has to say to our souls. 

And when we do this?  When we turn over the fears, the hurt, the pain...and choose to trust Him...even if it takes daily mantras of "Today I choose to trust God and give Jesus my burdens (or whatever word you want to use)" ......then?

He rejoices over us with singing.....He delights in us. 

He sings over us!  It's an intimate picture of a compassionate, loving God. He quiets our hearts.

Do you hear Him singing over you? 

 

Restored My Soul

 

I didn't want to go today. (Wed 26 Aug) 

I woke up feeling out of sorts. Feeling so very thirsty for the Living Water. 

Physically, I felt great.

Emotionally and spiritually speaking? I felt empty with longing to be filled up. 

How  does one live fully surrendered to the point where these empty feelings are no longer?

 Is it normal to have those feelings where you feel empty, needing to be filled? Even after a "Spiritual high" ? I know it's not lack of faith. What was this?? 

I almost texted the group saying I wasn't going to go but that they should still go.  I wasn't the driver so I figured they could just go themselves. 

I texted my friend J who also was the driver for the day asking if we could listen to worship music on the way to the mountains. Told her I was having a rough morning. She replied she was sorry I wasn't joyful at the moment.  I had to tell her it wasn't that I wasn't feeling joyful. It was hard to explain but that I was feeling like I needed to drink of the Living Water...needed to be filled up. In true J fashion she sent a beautiful photo of Jesus knocking on a door and  reminded me Jesus wants to come in and is the Living Water. (of course I know this!) 

I read Psalm 42 which is just beautiful when you take the time to internalize the metaphors in it. 

And this verse popped out, which to me, is just as important as the first 2, in recognizing why I was feeling "out of sorts". 

"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God"  (Psalm 42:11) 

I was putting my hope into the day.....into the things He created vs He Himself. 

I had been looking forward to getting on that small mountain summit, since I haven't stood on a summit since late June. The hikes I have completed have been wonderful and the weather has cooperated, but they were all far into the woods, to beautiful marshes or ponds or lakes, and I was craving time on a summit. So I was putting my hope into "the perfect day": weather, mountain top experience, being with experienced hikers who don't need guidance in following a trail, all of them sisters in Christ and whom I consider good friends. My tribe. 

But my hope? It needs to be in God.  I listened to this song 3 times while getting ready for the day: 

My heart's desire? To hike mountains. But my true desire? God/Jesus. To know Him intimately...more than I ever have.....to walk daily with Him...to really know He is my Strength and Shield. My protector. My Father. And to fully trust as I fully surrender to fully live. 

Have I often worshipped His creation more than Him? If I'm honest, yes.

So I gave the day to Him. I asked Him to meet me on that mountain top and to simply be with Him. 

And guess what? 

Just like God, He gave me some alone time on the trail as I was fairly goal oriented in keeping a fast pace for a good cardio workout. Although I could glimpse my friends behind me at times, and hear them, I felt alone with Him like I had been craving. He is so good to us! 

When we submit to His ways and focus on His plan for the day, He has this way of giving us our hearts' desires. 

On that mountain summit, we all sat a bit apart. I was at one of the highest points and my heart was content. I was quietly thanking Him, not just for the beauty of the Siamese Pond Wilderness area and the amazing lake below us......

but thanking Him that I get to do this......

........and thanking Him for these friends......

..........and thanking Him for HIM. For His Mercy, His Grace, His Patience, His Everlasting Love.   Love broke through to me again on that mountain top. 

And when I was reflecting on the name of the mountain: Balm of Gilead

I realized.....

........my soul felt restored. 

..........my mind felt at peace. 

It's more than being in the mountains which are so restorative physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I know the next few months will be hard. I've been told this by my counselor as well as my pastor's wife. Emotional and spiritual healing is a process. But when I remember to place all of my Hope in God and fix my eyes on Him...and drink of that Living Water (Jesus!) daily...............I will be able to walk through these days. When I let go of my independent spirit and my pride and allow friends to speak into my life, I will have the "safe" feeling I have longed for. God has recently shown me who are the safe people in my life. 

Do I tell my story to just anyone? No. Do I even share all of the details? Only when He leads. But fear is replaced by peace because......

It's God......He restores the soul. 

where Love broke through

 

I'd been planning this hike for well over a year. When I discovered, through the hiking group I founded in 2024 (SoulSteps), that there was a member who was physically fit enough...and willing to hike outside the group....I was so grateful. I met Joan in the winter of 2024 when I spoke to a class at church about the group I was leading. In fact, her name was one of the first ones on the sign up sheet! 

Little did I know then what God was orchestrating.......

2 years of getting to know each other, mainly through the group hikes, left me feeling like I could trust her.  Trust is tough for me. As it is for any survivor of not only childhood s*xual abuse but church abuse as well. This summer? I was dealing...finally.....with the latter. I was feeling frustrated because my old methods of survival weren't working. The case came up in conversation after a small group of us were sharing about forgiveness. That led into this spiral of remembering things that belong in the darkness but needed to come out to the light. Things that needed to be exposed. Some were! I've written about the lawsuit here in the past...or at least have alluded to it..how I helped to advocate for a girl who had been abused by the hands of a deacon and how the leadership in that place, covered up the crime, claiming they would "take care of it". That's all I'm going to say about that case. It's really not my story to tell although I'm a a part of the lawsuit she brought forth. 

The part I had to deal with? The loss of old friends. The betrayal of leaders I once respected and although they gave us a difficult time regarding our decision to become members of a new church (the one we've been going  to and growing in since 2005), they did maintain the friendships via social media and when we would run into them at a funeral or a graduation party, they were always cordial. Until I stood up for the young girl. 

So....add spiritual/church abuse on top of s*xual abuse and it's damaging and difficult to navigate through life. (Yes, even with the healing I received through counseling and theophostic prayer regarding my own situation). But I always thought I was doing pretty well with it.   Until this summer  after praying a prayer of forgiveness,  when the enemy (Satan) really got into my head. And  3 weeks later..... still dealing with this....I finally had a hike that I didn't have to lead and one in which it was just a friend I  trust and me. 

I thought this would just be a fun day out with a good friend and a challenging trail to conquer.

Little did I know the challenge would be my heart. 

So..we started hiking in the morning and it was beautiful. The weather was perfect! 

about a half mile in from the southern end

the trail from the south
was to the left of the stream for
most of the first 4 miles 

the first glimpse from south trail
of Hoffman Mt (3693 ' elevation)
(no trail leads to the summit) 

And that's when Love began to break through.......

.........we had hiked, I think....about 4 miles and all of a sudden after trekking along next to a beautiful brook and through diverse terrain....I started to really process. We had been chatting, and there were silent times of just hiking, and I felt at home in this glorious wilderness and my body and mind felt safe.......and yet.......

.......there was this yearning to be at peace within 

............a yearning for God to touch me, see me, hear me, release me......

........................and a yearning to be free..........

The timeline is blurred in my head.......I can't remember tonight if what I'm about to share happened before we got to the Big Marsh (the halfway point) or after.  I think it was shortly after.......

first glimpse of Big Marsh
this is about 4.3 miles in 

another view....I love the mountain ridge

this was my fave spot on the entire hike
Hoffman Mountain and Big Marsh
I felt so safe here.......

and yet.............................



there were these tangled heartstrings longing to be made loose
and there was a yearning in my soul..................
for peace, joy, hope...................and I wanted to feel God

I usually feel closest to God in the woods and mountains
what was wrong with me???  Where was He? 

We continued hiking and Joan had been talking about something spiritual and I can't remember now what it was exactly but all of a sudden I heard myself asking

"they weren't really my friends, were they?"

my pastor's wife, my counselor, and 2 good friends (Joan being one of them) have been saying this to me over and over for the last month. it was finally breaking out of me......the realization that they were never true friends.

 Why? 

because true friends don't shun you when you stand up for Truth, when you show love to an abused girl, when you share your own testimony of your own childhood abuse making yourself vulnerable to more than 20 deacons/elders  and their wives and teaching them what to look for only to have them not take that knowledge and do the right thing....betrayal cuts deep and I was wounded and broken......

I had to sit down, so we found a perfect log off the trail in a little glen -type spot and just sat. My mind was racing, my heart was hard yet I felt like the pieces that were broken and tangled  were spinning all around trying to break free........and although I don't think my hands were clenched tight into fists like they've been during worship at church the last 3 weeks, they felt rigid.....I didn't want to break but I did want to break free..........I didn't want to cry and I was determined to not cry and show that depth of grief I could feel rising up in me ready to spill up and over........

Joan said she was going to read from the Jesus Calling devotional. I didn't want her to. I had started it at home while having breakfast and had to slam the book shut after the first paragraph......."Come to Me. Come to Me. Come to Me. This is my continual invitation to you, proclaimed in holy whispers". 

I felt tears welling up in my eyes.....I kept screaming inside my head "stop, don't cry, don't let go". yet my heart was aching......

........and she kept reading so calmly and quietly......." when your heart and mind are quiet, you can hear Me inviting you to draw near. Coming close to me requires no great effort on your part."  

at this point I could feel sobs rising up and out of me...I tried to stop them.......

..........and she kept reading......"Open yourself to my loving Presence so that I may fill you with My fullness. I want you to experience how wide and long and high and deep is My Love fro you so that you can know My Love that surpasses knowledge"  

I believe at this point I am fully crying and trying to stop but it isn't working. My heart had become so hardened I was afraid He wouldn't want me. What would Joan think of me?? I'm a small group leader! I need to get it together.......and yet.......

.........I felt the Spirit of God pulling those heartstrings like He did 30 years ago....only this time it was a lot harder........

............."This vast ocean of Love cannot be measured or explained, but it can be experienced". 

and then she read the Scriptures that went with the reading:

My mind was screaming "Are you kidding me? this was my journal writing a few days ago..that I wanted...needed.... to drink of the Living Water........"  

Was God showing up in this place? was Love really breaking through to rescue me like in the song I wanted to experience? 

Was Jesus really going to storm through the tower of my heart?

was He really going to break through? Wasn't He disappointed with me? Wasn't Joan wondering what the heck was wrong with me? 

and then this Scripture: 

And by then I was crying and wanting to pray......

it was God's perfect timing...and perfect place....when I  looked at Joan's face, I only saw the Love of God........

I prayed, releasing these old  hurts, old "friends" into His Hands for Him to pick up and you know what??

My thought that He couldn't hold my broken pieces and hold me at the same time wasn't an accurate thought. He can hold our brokenness and embrace us at the same time. He is mighty to save. 

I had to ask God to just take this from me and confess I couldn't do it anymore. I asked Him to make these memories and those people fade like the driftwood fades.........

..............and I felt free.......

I felt light in my spirit and just couldn't believe this was actually happening. 

Love broke through on that hike........

it still seems unreal........

I've since been able to share this with my pastor's wife (who was completely thrilled and so encouraging) and with Cheryl my counselor who was also so thankful and happy and was rejoicing with me.  And she explained that yes, I had major healing from the childhood trauma but that the beginning that I kept wondering about all summer???  

I kept hearing God whispering to me during my morning meditation and journaling to "go back to the beginning....it's in the remembering......go back to the beginning...."

I knew it wasn't my own beginning of abuse. I thought it was the time my little student was abused badly by her father and I voiced to my self that I would never tell anyone my secret and I would never trust God the Father ever again. 

But no.  Cheryl confirmed it was the beginning when I myself was 7.....because church abuse happened then too.  My pedophile was a youth leader. In  church.  And she said that is when I first experienced church abuse and now all these years later....another church abuse and that psychologists are now learning that that kind of abuse? from a church? is the most damaging of all.  

but Love broke through and I have experienced a joy, a hope and a peace that I haven't experienced in a long time. 

It's not fully over nor will it ever be......it cuts deep....but with clinging to Jesus the One who sets us free....the memories will fade and it might be 2 steps forward and 1 step back but the true work of letting go and releasing these people who really aren't friends is complete. 

When Love breaks through, your darkened soul becomes light because of His Light. 

And when you have a friend who shines that Light well and allows Love to show through......

there's safety in that. 

And that's freedom. 

and yes....we hiked the entire trail
and came out of the woods at 6 pm. 

because of this .......

 

As a little girl.....and then a teen....and then an adult........this Scripture has been one of my top 10 faves

I've always been drawn to the mountains........

my childhood home was in the foothills of the Adirondacks...the largest publicly protected park in the lower 48 states....larger than Yellowstone,  Glacier, Yosemite and the Grand Canyon combined. Let that sink in for a moment. 

my childhood family camp, until I was about 17, was in the southern Adirondack region.....close to many amazing mountain lakes and trails.....

for 10 days every July, from age 7-18, I was at our church's conference camp.....outside of Saratoga Springs....it was where I became a Christ follower (during the end of the  Jesus Revolution movement) and in my last year of church camp, I climbed my first ADK High Peak: Giant Mt.  That's really when I fell in love with this Scripture and with climbing. Even though we only had sneakers on and nothing but one water bottle each (what were our youth group leaders thinking??) we scaled that mountain and had a praise service on top......it's where I felt safe.....

Giant Mountain,  the ADK's 12th highest peak
elevation 4627"
I climbed that in 1978
this photo is one I took from the summit of Rooster Comb in 2020...
.....where is a fantastic view of Giant Mt and other high peaks
Since then, I have climbed to Giant's Nubble which i think is the 2nd point from the summit, 
going towards the right in the pic. 

Now? 

People ask me all the time why I get up at the crack of dawn (typically) and drive 2 hours to hike a 6 mile mountain. 

this is one reason: 

.....i like challenges....most of the peaks I summit are not like this one pictured..... I just happen to connect with the quote......

they are most like this one.......and it's because of this, I hike......

summit of Cascade Mt High Peak at 4098' elevation
August 2020

the views........the challenge.......

yup.....you have to climb up this and there's no ladder! 
Cascade Mt the "easiest" High Peak to climb in the ADK
this is where I have to walk sideways down so the discs
and the knees and the toes are not injured  
(of course I didn't know this until about 10 yrs ago) 

you must scramble up this 

or when you are on Rooster Comb Mt, which is one of my favorite mountains in the entire ADK High Peaks region, although it isn't  a peak that is over 4000' high, you actually get a bit of help before the final ascent: 

heading up Rooster Comb Mt

Is it worth it, people ask me? even my hiking group friends who only feel comfortable hiking on flat trails (which by the way is perfectly fine....any trail is an adventure!) cannot understand the pull of the mountain summit to me.......

is it worth it? 

Well...yes.......look: 

my niece Mady and I on the edge of Rooster Comb summit 

Mady and I on the summit of Hopkins Mountain, 3156' high
High Peaks region of the ADK 

I mean...look at the beauty!  That's God's art work! and I feel safe on a summit.....

it's because of this......seeing Him in the world He created.....it's where I feel closest to God.......and I feel safe.......

.........and honestly.....this past month, there's been a disconnect.......I've only hiked 4 mountains so far this year and I'm feeling antsy about getting on a summit again......And out of those 4, only one was over 3000' high (Haystack in Vermont). 

I have hiked 17 different trails since March with the SoulSteps group, or solo. 

But the mountains are calling to me, because God is calling me and I know there's this thing ...this obstacle in my life that I have to face......and in the mountains, I feel safe.......

..........and maybe with the hike that's coming up this week in the deep wilderness surrounded by my beloved mountains, I can finally release this to the One who made it all......

......maybe, because of this, I will "feel" that deep connection again......

because of this, maybe I will feel safe again........

on Rooster Comb Mt
looking at Marcy, our state's highest peak
because of this............i find God.........

The Driftwood Lesson

 

Moreau Lake State Park 

It was just lying there..........

..................stuck on the sand with the waves gently rocking it but not going anywhere........

..............bark stripped bare...........

A smaller piece next to my chair and I pick it up because it's rare to see driftwood at this state park lake. I was alone with my thoughts after hiking a small mountain by myself, asking God to reveal some things.....things that remain a mystery to me but ones that also are such a part of me........

and when I saw the driftwood, I wondered about it.........

I was not at a natural lake.........it's man made and the only time there are waves is when the wind is blowing strong......because no power boats are allowed on the lake........or jet skis.............................

How did it get to the more private side of the lake? 

Away from children playing marco polo and lifeguards blowing whistles and parents cooking on grills smoking hot and fragrant from charcoal...........

Why was there only one piece? Where was the tree it dropped from? 

Is it birch, beech, oak or maple? I know it isn't pine.

and I thought back to childhood when we would collect driftwood from the rugged shore of the Great Sacandaga and my mother would create artful pieces from the bits and have them all around the camp and on the coffee table at home.......lovingly crafted by hands that worked hard. 

and I thought about how I learned about driftwood.....and what love is and isn't. 

Driftwood happens when pieces of a tree are blown off due to storms and are then tossed and turned over and under the waves of a  lake or the ocean. 

The bark is stripped bare.....exposed to sunlight and fades slowly over time......

.......like my soul is stripped bare after being exposed to abuse and betrayals and it will slowly fade.........the memories......over time. 

Some already have. 

That's God. That's Love. He reaches down to break my heart into fragments and they're tossed and turned by all the emotions of grieving a loss.....loss of innocence and loss of trust. 

And when those emotions are all twisted up? 

He loves anyway.

Scripture says God is Love.

Victor Hugo (in Les Miserables c.1862) says "to love another person, is to see the face of God". 

But love doesn't hurt, doesn't abuse, doesn't lie, doesn't betray

Love, instead, is patient. Is kind. Is not rude, jealous or prideful. 

Love doesn't fail.

And it endures forever.......the gift of Love. 

And I am beginning to realize that God still loves me even with the distance I feel in my heart. And I know....I just know one day soon, He will take those twisted thoughts and emotions and straighten them out, bundle them up, and set them afloat......

to become like driftwood.

and the friends He's placed in my path this summer? 

They may say hard things to me.......Truth......but they're doing so out of a place of Love. ........and when I see them........their faces.......I see God in them. When I read their emails, or texts, I sense God in them. 

While my soul is stripped bare.......

..........and I struggle between survival and surrender......

they are patient. they are praying. 

and I can see the face of God in them......

.............because that's Love. 

Please note: the above sculpture pieces are from an exhibit at MASS MoCa this summer that I was fortunate to get to with my husband and oldest daughter. This particular exhibit is titled Spatial Poems by the artist Cecilia Vicuna, Sam Fresquez, Lola Ayisha Ogbara (Scars Insist on Being Remembered)