God is all about me wanting to meditate on this verse from Zephaniah. It seems like everywhere I turn, including today's Worship Initiative devotional (the song was Mighty to Save which we've done in church many times), in the Jesus Calling book recently, and in my own devotional time with my Bible. All in a matter of days.
You think He's trying to tell me something? remind me? teach me?
I had a rough couple of days. All due to something that was totally triggering and I won't go into it here, but let's just say, the event Dave and I were at was from 1-6 pm. I lasted about 15 minutes. I had originally planned on just a quick drop in, and then a quick leave. But Dave was in a conversation with someone so there I was.....I had to get out of there. Thankfully, my husband was ok with that.
And like typical me fashion, I tried to take control of this thing rather than giving it over to God. I imagined placing a deep, dark cave into my heart. Why? because the trunk (box) I had there for years, was shattered just a couple weeks ago. You can read about that experience here if you want the back story. God had done a healing in that part of my heart.
But this? No way was I going to deal with it. I vowed I was done. I was done crying about it, I was done talking about it, I was done. So in went the toxic people, the pain, the betrayal, and the trust; and I visualized slamming a granite slab over the cave opening so Light couldn't get in and the darkness could stay buried. This time I was in control.
This granite pic? That's what I pictured over the mouth of this "cave" in my heart. Heavy. Impenetrable. Unmoving. No cracks.
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| granite trail up Cascade Mt High Peaks ADK |
or so I thought.
It lasted about a day.
My mind kept coming back to the Scripture shown above. But all of the joy, hope and soul-freedom that flooded by very being the last 2 weeks was also shut up in that cave. And I knew what the root problem was. (TRUST) But I didn't want to think about it or admit it. My mind also went back to my life verse over and over again.
And yes, I was seeing that Scripture all over the place, too!
God was pursuing me. Yet again.
But this time I wanted no part of it. I completely deadened my soul, emotions, and heart for about a day. And it felt horrible. I could no longer do it. "I did this for years," I was screaming out to God. "Why won't it work now?" and I heard nothing back. Silence.
And then Tuesday began. I decided I should listen to the Worship Intiative song which happened to be an old hymn my dad used to love. I kept telling myself Be strong. You're a survivor. You can keep them locked away...all that pain....just keep it in the cave and move on with your life."
But...this hymn! It's called Abide With Me.
Here's the version from one of my fave Christian singers.
And as the team started singing it and the music is pouring out of my phone, I began to sob, all the while thinking, but wait...I shut up my tears in that cave.
But then I realized that nothing is impenetrable to God. He is Mighty to Save. (and oh yeah...there's that song for today's daily worship. My friends..there are no coincidences with God Almighty.).
There were cracks in that granite slab because God was wanting these things to be released to Him. To trust Him. Again.
His Light was shining through. Because Light wins. Every.single.time.
Trust has been so hard for me. Many of you know the reason why trust has been difficult. It's still a work in progress and probably always will be.
But first I had to ask God to forgive me for harboring hatred towards certain people from my past. That was a hard, but necessary prayer. Because as a Christ follower, I want to represent Jesus well....and to do that, I need to love the way Jesus loves. He loved his enemies. It doesn't mean He was close friends with them. There are some relationships that are never going to be restored.
For me? God revealed to my heart something while I was driving yesterday afternoon. I pulled over to write it down in my notes app. And I emailed it to my friend J who had talked with me on the phone earlier and knew what was going on.
Here's what God was impressing on my heart (after I asked Him "why would I want to create another space in my heart like this cave?"):
Because you want to take control and you want to hang on to that last bit of betrayal. Because to do so, means YOU have the power. You feel like if you release them to Me, they win. But they don't win. YOU win when you let My Love heal your brokenness. You've done this before. Give me that betrayal. You asked Me to forgive you for your hatred. You don't need to be friends with these people from your past. Like driftwood, they WILL fade over time. Let them. Come to My Son Jesus every single morning and tell Him to take them. He can carry that burden. You cannot. I want to love you with an everlasting Love. You are safe, you are loved, you will survive but your survival is in surrendering completely to Me. Every day. Trust the people I have put in your life now. Trust Me.
And then of course the Zephaniah verse came back into my mind.
Zephaniah had told the people in his time to be silent before God. (Zeph 1:7) That God wouldn't tolerate wickedness, complacency or idolatry. The betrayal I was holding on to was in some ways like an idol. I was placing it before God. I wasn't trusting Jesus with it! And He knows better than any of us what betrayal feels like.
And at times, we also need to be silent. We need to stop our activity...slow down our minds.....and stand in silence before God. It is then that we will be able to hear Him. To hear what He has to say to our souls.
And when we do this? When we turn over the fears, the hurt, the pain...and choose to trust Him...even if it takes daily mantras of "Today I choose to trust God and give Jesus my burdens (or whatever word you want to use)" ......then?
He rejoices over us with singing.....He delights in us.
He sings over us! It's an intimate picture of a compassionate, loving God. He quiets our hearts.
Do you hear Him singing over you?
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