Well, when I saw the topic for this week's Marriage Monday discussion, I groaned. The word submission is a difficult one for many women. As Christians we are to submit to our husbands and since I was raised in a Christian home, I knew this concept to be Biblical truth. However, I am not sure I really saw it acted out in a totally Biblical way in my home growing up nor in my home town church. I certainly didn't see it always acted out properly in the church I was in for most of my adult life. Now, my father was not an abusive man, nor did he "rule" over my mother. Actually, they were a team although looking back, I think my mother probably "ran the house" so to speak. But....I wanted my marriage to be different but I also didn't want to "lose my independance". I was single until age 29 which is when I became engaged to Dave. He is a direct answer to prayer from my loving Father! However, we were also in a church at that time, that didn't really teach engaged couples about what biblical submission was and wasn't. I knew that it is not a man "ruling" over his wife. I knew that submission does not mean that the man is always right, or that we need to always go with what he says. It does not give a man license to physically, sexually or emotionally abuse his wife although I know that this goes on in Christian churches. Now that we are in a different church, and have been for the last 2 years, we have learned alot about what true submission is. We have a wonderful Marriage Ministry team that offers various marriage small groups. Dave and I have taken 3 of these groups, which typically last from 6-8 weeks depending on the topic/group. Our pastor and his wife teach yearly marriage conferences and we will be attending one in Feb. We cannot wait! We are truly blessed to be in a congregation where marriage is taken very seriously and we are taught true Biblical submission.
What is submission? Well, I could list all the Scriptures about this topic but.....here is my definition in my own words that I believe sum up what God was saying in His Word.
The man is the head of the household. This means the spiritual leader. When we became "one flesh" we became a team. I make minor decisions without consulting my husband because that is what works for us. For example: if Ifeel like not cooking some Fiday evening, I simply order Indian food or pizza....I certainly don't call Dave on his cell phone as he is driving home in rush hour traffic to consult with him. For major decisions, we discuss, pray and wait for the Lord's answer if necessary. Would I go buy a new house without my husband? NO. Would I buy new clothes or books without consulting him? Yes....because he doesn't care about those things and it has become "my" job. I also believe that the man/husband needs to be the spiritual leader just like Jesus is the leader of the church (meaning the body of believers). Does this mean that I can't pray for and with my children but must wait for Daddy? NO! It means that he is leading us in spiritual matters. He is accountable to God for me and the girls. That is his job. If he was an unbeliever, then it would be my job as a Christian. But I am blessed that my husband is also a born-again Christian and that he is the spiritual head of the household. Let me give you 2 examples of how I have submitted to my husband's leadership over the years. The first one happened 2 weeks after we returned from our honeymoon. This is a true story! It is rather funny....I have shared it with my close friends over the years and when I have mentored young wives.
It was July 1990. We had been home from Aruba for about 2 weeks and we took some of our wedding money to pick out a new sofa for our new apt we were renting. I was finished with grad school and teaching full time as an inner city special ed teacher which of course meant a low salary. I had some loans from undergrad days to pay back but my grad work was on full fellowship so we were blessed not to have to owe anything for the Masters degree. Dave was also working full time and finishing up grad school with his Masters also being a fellowship. He just had undergrad loans to pay back as well. We wanted a nice sofa but didn't want to spend all of our wedding money on it. We went to a local furniture store and couldn't agree on what type to buy! To make a long story short, I did the submission thing (groaning inside the whole time) by agreeing with the choice that I knew my hubby really wanted. (yuck....it was some blue-green plaid thing....horrors! I wanted leather!!...but....too much $). So, I submitted to what Dave wanted and we ordered it. We waited. And waited. Wasn't delivered as promised so we made a phone call. To make a long story short: the one Dave wanted was no longer available and couldn't be backordered; we ended up with the leather one I wanted at a lower price as it had gone on sale during that waiting time! I chuckle now at that....did I submit? yup....Did I end up getting what I originally wanted? yup......gee....isn't that nice....well....sometimes the Lord doesn't work that way, does He??
Here is my 2nd example of how I didn't "get my own way, right away" and submitting caused me much stress and inner turmoil. However, because I decided to submit to what my husband was saying and where he was leading, I ended up being ok and the Lord worked everything out for His good. Here is what happenend:
It was 1995. We had been a couple in our church for 6 years and I had been there for 7. My husband had been there for 10. I was not liking some things that were happening there. I will not reveal what those things were as I don't want to badmouth a church. But...I wanted to start looking elsewhere to raise my daughter. I was happy in our new home, but I wanted a new church and pastor. I wanted something different. Dave said "No, we need to wait. Things will get better." Things did not get much better. Some changes occured around 1998 but....things were not much better. Meanwhile though, the Lord had given me a new place in ministry, a new baby, (we now had 2 daughters) and I no longer needed to work full time as all loans were done. I had the privelage of 2 very close Christian friends, a new neighbor who became a best friend and the choice of just working 2 days a week. Life should have been grand, right? Wrong. I still sensed we needed to be done with this church and that God was calling us on to a new place. My husband was still not in agreement and kept saying "No, we need to wait." I was rather unhappy with our church situation and started to pray. Fast forward to 2004. That fall I really heard from the Lord that we needed to change churches. I wish I could share the whole story but I cannot. If you want to know more, you could talk to me about it through my email but I cannot go into it here. The church was not doing anything "wrong" or sinful but....I just knew we needed to be in a different place where we could grow deeper in the Lord and where my children had friends. I began to really pray and seek the Lord's wisdom. Meanwhile, a few close friends of ours left the church, some for the same reasons I was telling my own husband. He was starting to doubt our life there as well but still didn't think it was time to move on. I wanted to submit but in my heart I know I heard the Lord telling me it was time to leave. After telling my husband what I was feeling, he gave me the go ahead to take the girls and start visiting local churches in our own town. By now, in the fall of 2004, I had been in our church for 16 years, Dave had been there for 19. We were burned out from ministry duties, from loneliness (some of our best friends were no longer there) and we felt spiritually dead at times. I visited 3 local churches (I had been sensing that God wanted us in our own community...for all those years we had been traveling to a city across the Hudson River from us...not a long commute, but it was an inner city church, very poor and spiritually needy, no full time pastor, and no friends for my children. We had been serving in many areas, and were basically burned out. I would cry during every worship service as I was just so unhappy with what I was observing and sensing and felt like my husband did not understand). Well, I visited those 3 churches and 1 in particular really seemed like home. It just did. I cannot explain it in words but I felt like "this is it". I told Dave my thoughts and he said again "it is not time, we need to wait". Oh, I cannot tell you how I was grieved. Was I not hearing from God? What was wrong with me? Why was I pushing? Well, I decided "fine, he wants to wait, let him wait, I will submit to that but I am going to keep praying that the Lord would show my husband where I sense the Lord wants us". And guess what? Unbeknown to me, Dave had been speaking with an older (spiritually more mature) Believer from his job. He had been sharing with this colleauge who went to one of the churches we visited, his concerns about our church. Dave told me that evening, on Dec.1 2004, that we would be leaving our church in the spring. He had been praying all along but hadn't wanted to burden me! He was also sensing it was time to move but he wanted to fulfill his ministry duties. It was a hard year for us because so many people from our congregation really didn't understand why we were transitioning. But....God had something different for us. He knew my heart's desire was to have a full time pastor, friends for my children who also attend their schools, classes for us to take as a married couple, and a well-run, organized church of believers. Is it a perfect church? No. But it is perfect for us at this time of our lives. Did I submit? Yes, although not willingly. Did things work out for good? Yes, because God was in it. And after revisiting the 1 church that felt like "home" with Dave and the girls, he also felt like "this is it...this is what we have been missing". We prayed together about it. We joined that church the summer of 2005 and became covenant members in November 2005. It was a hard lesson for me. I was miserable for months, on and off. If I had just submitted in my thoughts and heart, things probably would have been easier. My point is: although I hear from God for my self, my husband is still my spiritual leader here on this earth. He is my "covering" since he him self is a Believer. And I praise God for that!
Other things I think we need to remember as married couples: if we could just get our minds around the 2 commandments of Jesus found in Luke 10: 27 which state: "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind' & "love your neighbor as yourself'" I think being able to submit to each other would be so much easier. I try to remember, if I am not in agreement with something my husband does or says, that he is first my brother in Christ! yes, we are married...but....he is my brother in Christ. How much easier it is then for me to submit to him when I remember that!
Another verse I like although it is not typically one used for submission in marriage is from from I Peter 5: 5b which states: "...all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility...."
God has blessed me with a godly man. I need to be a good steward of this gift. It is easier to submit when I keep that in the forefront of my mind.
What is submission? Well, I could list all the Scriptures about this topic but.....here is my definition in my own words that I believe sum up what God was saying in His Word.
The man is the head of the household. This means the spiritual leader. When we became "one flesh" we became a team. I make minor decisions without consulting my husband because that is what works for us. For example: if Ifeel like not cooking some Fiday evening, I simply order Indian food or pizza....I certainly don't call Dave on his cell phone as he is driving home in rush hour traffic to consult with him. For major decisions, we discuss, pray and wait for the Lord's answer if necessary. Would I go buy a new house without my husband? NO. Would I buy new clothes or books without consulting him? Yes....because he doesn't care about those things and it has become "my" job. I also believe that the man/husband needs to be the spiritual leader just like Jesus is the leader of the church (meaning the body of believers). Does this mean that I can't pray for and with my children but must wait for Daddy? NO! It means that he is leading us in spiritual matters. He is accountable to God for me and the girls. That is his job. If he was an unbeliever, then it would be my job as a Christian. But I am blessed that my husband is also a born-again Christian and that he is the spiritual head of the household. Let me give you 2 examples of how I have submitted to my husband's leadership over the years. The first one happened 2 weeks after we returned from our honeymoon. This is a true story! It is rather funny....I have shared it with my close friends over the years and when I have mentored young wives.
It was July 1990. We had been home from Aruba for about 2 weeks and we took some of our wedding money to pick out a new sofa for our new apt we were renting. I was finished with grad school and teaching full time as an inner city special ed teacher which of course meant a low salary. I had some loans from undergrad days to pay back but my grad work was on full fellowship so we were blessed not to have to owe anything for the Masters degree. Dave was also working full time and finishing up grad school with his Masters also being a fellowship. He just had undergrad loans to pay back as well. We wanted a nice sofa but didn't want to spend all of our wedding money on it. We went to a local furniture store and couldn't agree on what type to buy! To make a long story short, I did the submission thing (groaning inside the whole time) by agreeing with the choice that I knew my hubby really wanted. (yuck....it was some blue-green plaid thing....horrors! I wanted leather!!...but....too much $). So, I submitted to what Dave wanted and we ordered it. We waited. And waited. Wasn't delivered as promised so we made a phone call. To make a long story short: the one Dave wanted was no longer available and couldn't be backordered; we ended up with the leather one I wanted at a lower price as it had gone on sale during that waiting time! I chuckle now at that....did I submit? yup....Did I end up getting what I originally wanted? yup......gee....isn't that nice....well....sometimes the Lord doesn't work that way, does He??
Here is my 2nd example of how I didn't "get my own way, right away" and submitting caused me much stress and inner turmoil. However, because I decided to submit to what my husband was saying and where he was leading, I ended up being ok and the Lord worked everything out for His good. Here is what happenend:
It was 1995. We had been a couple in our church for 6 years and I had been there for 7. My husband had been there for 10. I was not liking some things that were happening there. I will not reveal what those things were as I don't want to badmouth a church. But...I wanted to start looking elsewhere to raise my daughter. I was happy in our new home, but I wanted a new church and pastor. I wanted something different. Dave said "No, we need to wait. Things will get better." Things did not get much better. Some changes occured around 1998 but....things were not much better. Meanwhile though, the Lord had given me a new place in ministry, a new baby, (we now had 2 daughters) and I no longer needed to work full time as all loans were done. I had the privelage of 2 very close Christian friends, a new neighbor who became a best friend and the choice of just working 2 days a week. Life should have been grand, right? Wrong. I still sensed we needed to be done with this church and that God was calling us on to a new place. My husband was still not in agreement and kept saying "No, we need to wait." I was rather unhappy with our church situation and started to pray. Fast forward to 2004. That fall I really heard from the Lord that we needed to change churches. I wish I could share the whole story but I cannot. If you want to know more, you could talk to me about it through my email but I cannot go into it here. The church was not doing anything "wrong" or sinful but....I just knew we needed to be in a different place where we could grow deeper in the Lord and where my children had friends. I began to really pray and seek the Lord's wisdom. Meanwhile, a few close friends of ours left the church, some for the same reasons I was telling my own husband. He was starting to doubt our life there as well but still didn't think it was time to move on. I wanted to submit but in my heart I know I heard the Lord telling me it was time to leave. After telling my husband what I was feeling, he gave me the go ahead to take the girls and start visiting local churches in our own town. By now, in the fall of 2004, I had been in our church for 16 years, Dave had been there for 19. We were burned out from ministry duties, from loneliness (some of our best friends were no longer there) and we felt spiritually dead at times. I visited 3 local churches (I had been sensing that God wanted us in our own community...for all those years we had been traveling to a city across the Hudson River from us...not a long commute, but it was an inner city church, very poor and spiritually needy, no full time pastor, and no friends for my children. We had been serving in many areas, and were basically burned out. I would cry during every worship service as I was just so unhappy with what I was observing and sensing and felt like my husband did not understand). Well, I visited those 3 churches and 1 in particular really seemed like home. It just did. I cannot explain it in words but I felt like "this is it". I told Dave my thoughts and he said again "it is not time, we need to wait". Oh, I cannot tell you how I was grieved. Was I not hearing from God? What was wrong with me? Why was I pushing? Well, I decided "fine, he wants to wait, let him wait, I will submit to that but I am going to keep praying that the Lord would show my husband where I sense the Lord wants us". And guess what? Unbeknown to me, Dave had been speaking with an older (spiritually more mature) Believer from his job. He had been sharing with this colleauge who went to one of the churches we visited, his concerns about our church. Dave told me that evening, on Dec.1 2004, that we would be leaving our church in the spring. He had been praying all along but hadn't wanted to burden me! He was also sensing it was time to move but he wanted to fulfill his ministry duties. It was a hard year for us because so many people from our congregation really didn't understand why we were transitioning. But....God had something different for us. He knew my heart's desire was to have a full time pastor, friends for my children who also attend their schools, classes for us to take as a married couple, and a well-run, organized church of believers. Is it a perfect church? No. But it is perfect for us at this time of our lives. Did I submit? Yes, although not willingly. Did things work out for good? Yes, because God was in it. And after revisiting the 1 church that felt like "home" with Dave and the girls, he also felt like "this is it...this is what we have been missing". We prayed together about it. We joined that church the summer of 2005 and became covenant members in November 2005. It was a hard lesson for me. I was miserable for months, on and off. If I had just submitted in my thoughts and heart, things probably would have been easier. My point is: although I hear from God for my self, my husband is still my spiritual leader here on this earth. He is my "covering" since he him self is a Believer. And I praise God for that!
Other things I think we need to remember as married couples: if we could just get our minds around the 2 commandments of Jesus found in Luke 10: 27 which state: "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind' & "love your neighbor as yourself'" I think being able to submit to each other would be so much easier. I try to remember, if I am not in agreement with something my husband does or says, that he is first my brother in Christ! yes, we are married...but....he is my brother in Christ. How much easier it is then for me to submit to him when I remember that!
Another verse I like although it is not typically one used for submission in marriage is from from I Peter 5: 5b which states: "...all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility...."
God has blessed me with a godly man. I need to be a good steward of this gift. It is easier to submit when I keep that in the forefront of my mind.
7 comments:
Great post! I really enjoyed reading this.
I espeically like the scripture you used in Luke 10:27.
Blessings to you!
Susan
I loved your stories about how God gave you the sofa and a better church! He does that when we obey, doesn't He? Thanks for sharing your walk of faith, and how you've learned about Biblical submission.
This especially spoke to me: "God has blessed me with a godly man. I need to be a good steward of this gift. It is easier to submit when I keep that in the forefront of my mind." Amen!
And thanks for linking up at marriage Monday today.
Hugs 'n prayers, e-Mom
Hi Faith
wow, you stayed at that church years longer than I would have :-)
I believe the LORD has given me and my man different gifts - I am more discerning them he is. But then he is also a new Christian. So in our marriage, FOR NOW, I'm the one who is listened to more in Spiritual matters, BUT we make the decisions together.
I can't wait for him to be the spiritual leader in our marriage and he's learning so fast. I definitely agree with your definitions of submission. And if our hubbys are truly like our Saviour then they will know He was the greatest servant and always led by example...for both husband and wife :-)
I like the sofa story! *giggles*
Great job writing about submission.
I try to remember, if I am not in agreement with something my husband does or says, that he is first my brother in Christ!
and
God has blessed me with a godly man. I need to be a good steward of this gift.
Two great thoughts! I am going to remember those and use them in my own walk in submission. I recently have told my husband that I wanted to honor him, by that I want to totally agree with all that he does. He gets involved in so many activities many times so much that he is not here at home. This has always been a source of irritation to me, but after he told me something else he was doing I told him that I wanted to honor him by believing that these things that he does - are honoring to God, and so therefore are things I should be honoring him for doing. It sure dropped a load of bad feelings off of my shoulders! This is my most recent story of being submissive.
My brother in Christ and a gift that needs to be treated with good stewardship - such a cool way to approach our relationships!
Thanks for your words on submission.
Connie Marie: pretty name! thanks for visiting and for your thoughts on submission. Your husband sounds like mine in that mine does so much ministry plus his full time job that I sometimes get resentful. I mean, I am so happy that he has leadership skills and loves working with jr. high boys (he only has daughters so this is great for him! :) ) but....sometimes it is hard! But like you said I want to agree with him on those things. Sometimes we don't agree on little things but I find that when I bring it to God in prayer, it really helps me make an attitude adjustment! ANd yes, thinking of him as a gift helps too! glad you stopped by...come back and "visit"
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