"Even when the rainbow seems to pass right by me....I'm still finding Gold in the clouds....."

26 June 2012

"I'm Starving!!"

You've heard those words before, right?? 

Especially if you have children.......those words that cut right through you:  "I'm Starving, Mommy".....when they just ate, like 2 hours ago and have no idea what true starvation really is!!

It's usually yelled in a dramatic voice...."I'm starving".......it often seems ridiculous......and so immature when they can just open up a cupboard and grab some crackers or reach up for the fruit bowl and grab a pear or some blueberries.

Yet they don't. They continue to make their voice heard. Until I (gently?) remind them that they are NOT starving, they are just hungry and impatient.

Well, I'm finding my self shouting those words in my spirit today.  Those words that are cutting right through me......"I'm starving".  And I don't mean physically.  I mean spiritually.

And I don't like this place I'm in. 

It seems ridiculous.

It seems immature.

It seems dramatic.

"I'm starving".

Facing painful things is tough.

Dealing with truths that are raw and sharp are tough....I so need the One who smooths out the edges of the "truths" that are actually lies...and replace those lies with His Truth...... 

.........Dealing with loss and disappointment in people who used to be friends is making my spirit feel empty.  Starving for the intimacy I am pushing away. The intimacy found in Christ when we are walking hand in hand with Him and letting Him lead.

And I'm not really doing that right now.

Oh, I haven't walked away from Christianity.

Not by any means.

I'm just trying to crawl up out of this dark area while at the same time keeping certain things pushed down in a dark spot where Light can't permeate. Because if the Light reaches down........it will be exposed....and then I'll have to deal with it.  I just can't face loss right now. I've already faced loss in the last 2 years.  First with a friendship that went sour and in dealing with that, I had to learn to trust again. And that takes such work!! And I even sank in to a kind of depression and I have NEVER been depressed in my entire life!!! It was not a pleasant place......and I truly don't want to feel that ever again. 

Dealing with loss of relationships...unsafe and unhealthy relationships is tough especially when the people were leaders in a place of worship. People I trusted to a degree and to whom we looked up to for spiritual guidance. To face the loss means letting them go. Do I want to let them go??

I need to.

And I need to face the reasons why they were so important in the first place. And I need to face the reason why I think I still need these people's approval......ridiculous I know. And I need to embrace the "connecting of the dots" my husband and I did a couple weeks ago.....he pointed out to me that my hesitation in corporate worship lately is because these leaders represent a church..a church we were a part of for about 15 years...and church is where I worship...and worship is intimate. (aren't husbands great for helping us figure out what we need to work on spiritually?!!). and the anger!! oh...i know I have the right to have "righteous anger" over this matter but sometimes that anger isn't so righteous, to be honest. It's downright rage......and yet I keep trying to move on...........

Meanwhile....I'm Starving!!

...I move my mouth but my heart is not in it.  I don't like that place.  Yet....a dear person in my life has told me that she has had seasons like that too. And I admire her...she is godly. So.....I'll keep pushing up........and through......

yet....I'm starving!!

I was over at Kimberly's blog today and read her article. It is excellent and it reminded me of where I am right now.  I am "grabbing and going" in regards to "tasting of the Lord".  I am not savoring the food He has to offer...that spiritual food for my soul.  I am in a hurry it seems like, all the time!

And this "grab it and go" devotional style is making me feel starved.

Yes..that might be dramatic. And it sounds immature for a woman who has been saved almost 37 years to not have solid, in-depth, intimate minutes with the Savior......I'm not savoring the morsels....I'm gulping and running.....

At least I recognize it for what it is.

I'll grab what I can.....

.............and I'll listen to His Voice gently remind me......

................to be patient..............I need to persevere and not give up......

 to reach up and taste and see that He is good.....


Susanne said...

Keep hanging in there, Faith. God meets us where we are at! That was pretty wise of your hubby to figure that out. Sometimes we can't see when we're in the midst of it all.

Margo @ LittleWomen21 said...

My husband helped me figure out my source of frustration to that led to a hurtful argument - the stuff I've been talking about on my blog. His insight was a little painful but definitely helpful! We really need someone with an another perspective to help us sometimes. And God, of course!

"And it sounds immature for a woman who has been saved almost 37 years to not have solid, in-depth, intimate minutes with the Savior......I'm not savoring the morsels....I'm gulping and running....."

I could have written that! (though I've been saved 18 years). My quiet time with the Lord has been just quick minutes of gulping desperately at his word for help, instead of settling in.

Let's keep praying for each other. Some relationships are hard - the more so with people that are closest, that we trusted - but we know the Lord uses all things for his purposes!

Faith said...

Thanks, Margo!! I love how open you were in your post....will definitely lift you up in prayer. I am so thankful we have a Savior who has mercy on us and embraces us even when we struggle with these kinds of issues!! and I'm thankful for real life friends and blogging buddies who can encourage us to keep pressing in!!

Susanne!! Dave and I keep saying we really want to come out your way sometime in the future (like when we finally have money after putting kids thru college! LOL) but seriously...we think sooo much alike!! I saw that you posted today...will be by soon...gotta get out in the flower garden now and do some weeding! :)

Kimberly said...

I think we have all had seasons where we are starving in our relationship with Him even though He has a feast right there waiting on us. So glad He gently shows us what is REALLY going on in our hearts...wooing us back to Him, into His presence. How patient He is with me time and time and time again.

I am so thankful that as we draw near to Him, He draws near to us. Praying for you as you press in to Him.

And relationships? Oh, my...how they can tear at our hearts. Praise God for His healing and for His perfect love. Could not make it without Him!


Faith said...

Thanks Kimberly for visiting!! YES....so thankful for HIS PATIENCE cause I certainly don't have that fruit of the spirit cultivated very well! :) You are a blessing and I love visiting your blog....!!