Overcoming

Sunday and the first full day at the cottage we rent in the mountains.

A morning kayaking trip to town with my youngest girl.  We spent about 2 hours in the kayaks heading north on the lake and back.

I relaxed on the beach with a book.

We organized the cottage and had lunch together as a family.

And then I went for a power-walk/run while waiting for my hiking friend from central NY to show up.

I ran a half mile which is a lot for me.  It felt almost like I was running away from something......

........or towards some thing.

Turning off the main road, I followed a road I'd been walking on before but had never gone to the end which ends at the lake on someone's private property.

And that's when I saw it.

The dirt road pictured above.  and a memory flitting through my mind.....elusive, yes....but hovering there like a butterfly hovers over a flower just before plunging into the nectar sucking it dry.

I ran down the road.  To conquer that fear......to get away from it??

and I ran back up the road and was brought up short by this sight which somehow escaped me when I was going the other way:

the palms of my hands began to sweat.

my breath was short and not from running...........

I stopped.  

A memory was flitting again..........a dark grey barn..........old, abandoned in the central part of NY state.....a town away from my home town............a grown up hand grasping 10 year old mine leading me to the inner most part of the barn......away from family and friends........alone..............with him....the father of my friends.........

.............and wham......just like that my breath held blew out and I approached this barn with my mind chanting and my breath gasping......... 

"that was 50 years ago.  50.  He's dead. you're alive. You're safe. God has you in the palm of His Hand. There's no one here. It's a dilapidated barn.  It's safe. Go closer. Touch it (i didn't but I will later this week cause I'm one determined woman)....you've experienced an emotional healing like no other......you're fine....this is a trigger...do not give in to it.  Look at the beauty around you. breathe it in.  Exhale. Breathe in. Exhale".

and just like that I approached this barn. and the scent......pine needles.....dried and fragrant.....and another quick breath held......and sweat breaking out and fear lingering in my mind................why??

 And then I looked down.......

a carpet of pine needles and one of my favorite scents at the same time one of the most triggering scents and my mind screamed ENOUGH.

God, I need you.

and just like that......a breeze came up to dry the sweat on my brow......and in my mind, those triggers blew away out towards the lake behind me.......forgotten......

...........my mind kept chanting over and over OMGosh I did it. I stopped the triggers.....I did that....or God did that...or something........doesn't matter what you believe...they're gone..............

.....and as I began to pick up my pace again I came around the corner and there was this:

wildflowers all around and no weeds in sight.

just these amazing, delicate flowers standing strong and tall.

and in my spirit I sensed that Presence:  "you're strong. You've got this.
you're healing happened and yes there will be triggers the rest of your life and no you don't have to give in to them. You conquer them and move forward.........staying strong."

and like the Creator He is I walked up the hill and there was this sight: 

a symbol of faith......a church......

........a sign?  my strength comes from God and my inner resolve to be a survivor.

this world?  it's messed up.  It's horrible when people in leadership over other people cannot admit when they've screwed up.  But those people?

They don't define me.

my own faith defines me.  My husband's strength when I am weak defines me.

My true friends who are there for me.

My daughters who bring love and laughter to me.

Those things that make me, me.  Those define me.

Overcoming obstacles can be difficult.

But when one is determined to not let fear rule, one wins.

I'll continue to fight.......overcoming the fears...........