Holding On but Letting Go

 

When I saw the Gund bear (Teddy) sticking up out of the bag among all the stuff from her bedroom, it was a bittersweet moment. Her very first Teddy Bear.  The theme of her bedroom for the first 5 years of her life.  All kinds of teddy bears from many different places yet this is the one she carries to her new apartment. Her very first apartment living alone.  With her very first bear from mommy.  Oh yes, she went off to a different state for college and had an apartment there....but...it was college...with friends.  This is just her.  Alone.  And although I'm thrilled for her and excited to see what God is going to do, I'm sad too.  Her childhood is over...it's been over for several years now but her childhood home is not her living space any longer. 

The thoughts that run through my head.......

.....did I do enough? 

Did we have enough adventures?

It seems like she's slipping through my fingers and I just want to hold on but I know I have to let go.......I can hold the memories of all the adventures in my heart and in my mind.........

the late night talks, the movie dates, the park play, the beach days, the camping trips, the kayaking, hiking, biking, road trips, hotel visits, grandparent visits, school trips, orchestra concerts, horse lessons, equestrian camp, youth group retreats, sleepovers, bonfires, art projects, playing in the "secret garden", watching Harry Potter movies, eating popcorn, eating ice cream, making s'mores, Prom two times, high school graduation, first car, Paris, San Francisco, Hershey World, Gettysburg, Niagara Falls, Cape Cod, NYC, first train ride, the beach house, the lake cottage, college, Maine, Acadia National Park twice, her nature journal, piano lessons, violin lessons, Pathfinders, Art Club, Learning Enrichment Program, Kindermusik, choir, junior high musicals, NYSSMA Competitions, fighting over the couch pillows, playing Bratz dolls and legos, Game Boy, first cell phone, reading in my bed, sleeping in my bed, Rhode Island, Lake Winnipesaukee, Soul Fest NH, rides to the mountains, girls day out, family bbqs, Christmas, daddy-daughter dates, mommy-daughter dates, college graduation, first summer job, first full time job, first apartment.....

and so much more.........is it enough?  

How do I hold on to the first born but let go of her too??  How do I express my love and concern without being labeled a helicopter mom? 

Will she be here for Christmas Eve?  will she cook ok for herself?  

Did my own mother have these questions when I moved out?

Does she have enough money? 

Will she appreciate all we did?  Will she remember the life lessons, the household hints, the financial advice, to pay her bills? 

When does it end...this holding on..........

It doesn't.  

It doesn't end.  We pray, we plan, we press on being mom. 

and we remember when we dedicated this baby to God........she is His.  I just get to be her mama. How honored am I that He chose me to be her mother. 

She was my easy baby......my difficult 14 year old.....my sweet college girl.....so smart and kind...and now like a young friend whose hugs are fleeting but her smiles are genuine...and sometimes they're  absent-minded and I don't know her thoughts.......I won't know her daily plans...........she's slipped through my fingers and it went so fast.......

I hold memories in my heart so tight and let go of her hand...............

..........lifting her heart up to the One who gave her life........

.........letting go...........

This song reminds me of how I feel (one of my fave groups from my high school/college days).