The Right Friends

I've been thinking of my 2 daughters' friendships this week. Part of what got me thinking was the fact that after the Winter Ball Saturday nite, my 14 year old and her "best friend" (one of several), came home and started venting to me about another girl who was being rather "catty" and "mean". Our school district has a strict anti-bullying policy and even a curriculum in the elementary schools about bullying. She wasn't bullying them (I asked) but after discussing what took place, I concluded that the girl was just being a typical 14 year old. I did remind my daughter and her friend (both are Christians) that not every one is 1. a kind person and 2. a person with the same values/beliefs, etc. It was kind of funny because they both said "well, we don't think she is a Christian" so I reminded them that even Christians are not perfect. We all sin. Even Christian teens can get "mean", say hurtful things and be "catty". I reminded them to just be the best example they can be and that they don't have to be close friends with everyone. Just kind. Then the very next day, my 9 year old's Sunday School teacher handed me the paper from this month's Parent Connection and the main article was about "the right friends". Here are some good reminders to help us train our children in choosing friends:

• Encourage your child to look for friends who share the same or similar beliefs. Discuss with her how friendships with people who believe in God/Christ can make her faith stronger. Remind her that we need to respect other people's beliefs/religions/value systems but that friends of similar lifestyles will most likely aid her in her own faith. I tell my children that yes, they can be friends with the little girl who is Hindu or the boy who is unchurched, but that their close friendships will most likely come from kids with similar beliefs.
• Encourage your child to look for friends who share the same values. A friend who does things that your own child considers to be "wrong" could lead to poor choices. (e.g. the child who wants to copy homework or lies/steals/bullies others)
• Encourage your child to look for friends who share the same interests. Shared interests give your child a common bond. Know what your child is interested in and sign her up for classes or activities. At our house: my oldest is into art so she takes summer art classes; she has done equestrian training for the 5 years she was interested in horses. She joined theater club last year and this year is a member of the Campus Youth for Christ club. She is a member of life::redefined (our church's youth group) and participate in a small group Bible study along with doing secret service projects in the community. She has made many friends because of these activities. My youngest does ballet and drama ministry as well as school events. She was also involved in Awana at church for 2 years and took a summer art course. They both are very interested in swimming so have taken summer swimming lessons at our local pool ever since age 5. They have close friends because of this. Some are churched friends and others are not but they have similar values and interests.
• Encourage your child to have friends who show kindness to others. Kindness counts!
• And remember: your child is...a child! She will not always show the best judgement when choosing friends. As a parent, exercise your veto rights! If your child chooses a friend who could be detrimental----just say no! Encourage your child to show fairness, tolerance and compassion to the other person, but to look elsewhere for close friends and confidantes.
• And finally: meet the parent(s) of your child's friends! It never ceases to amaze me that so many parents do not meet the parents of their child's friends. This seems to be the case when the child becomes a teen. I think it is mainly because they are now at an age where they arrange their own social events. But...the teens still need our input as to their friendships. Call the parents if you can't meet them in person. Discuss your own expectations as per curfew, places your child can hang out, etc. For example: my 14 year old, now that she has her own cell phone, is allowed to attend a movie with out me. However, she has to be with at least one good close friend and a parent (either the friend's or me/my husband) has to be somewhere in the mall while they are at the movie. She also knows that once the movie is over, she is to call me or her dad on her cell and stay in the theater lobby until we (or the other parent) pick her up. Her friends have similar rules. However, one person in the group does not have this rule. This means my daughter has to take a stand and do what her own rules state. She also knows the consequence if she breaks the rules.

Take an interest in your daughter's/son's friends and communication will be more open. Allow your children to cultivate friendships with minimal input from you as they get older but continue to instill your beliefs/values/guidance.
Finally: pray! Pray for your child and her friendships. The power of prayer is a mighty thing!