It's the first Monday of May: time for the online ministry of Marriage Monday, hosted by E-mom from Chrysalis blog!
Wow.... this is quite the topic for our May writing.
I find it rather difficult to write about such a private matter.
It's just so....well...private.
And yet....it IS an important topic: talking about "the act" with our spouse...
Physical intimacy meant for marriage was designed by God.
Physical intimacy meant for marriage was designed by God.
So why is it difficult to talk about sexual intimacy in marriage??
Because I, for one, grew up with parents who were very uncomfortable talking to me (and I think my sisters would agree) about the topic. What I learned, I learned from books, friends or college professors. I certainly didn't learn much in health class...the health classes from the 1970's, at least in NYS, were nothing like they are today. My husband and I are very comfortable talking to our daughters about sexual development issues. I believe it is very important for their future.
However....it is one thing to talk about with my children and another thing to blog about!
But....I am going to attempt a post here. I also did some research by re-reading through a very good book that we purchased about 10 years ago called "Holy Sex: God's Purpose and Plan for Our Sexuality" by Terry Wier (founder of Isaiah Ministries) with Mark Carruth, c.1999
Well, just like I've written about before, and like I tell every married woman friend I have, the key to being able to effectively communicate with your spouse is simply by knowing and using your spouse's primary love language. Effective communication is essential in marriage. It can start by you meeting your spouse's love language each and every day.
I believe that effective communication can lead to intimacy. Not just physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy as well. Both are vital.
Spiritual intimacy, in my opinion, is the area that is often overlooked in marriages. And without a spiritual intimacy, emotional and physical intimacy is often lacking...or...it is just mundane. That has been my experience the last 20 (almost!) years of my marriage.
Christ needs to be the center of your marriage!
HOW??
A short version:
As you become closer emotionally, it will be easier to discuss the "bedroom stuff".
On a personal note: there was a time, a period of months, where I was receiving some personal counseling for an issue that stemmed from an earlier time in my life....from when I was a teen. It was 1996 and my oldest daughter was just 3 years old. My youngest daughter hadn't even been conceived yet. Dave and I stopped physical intimacy while I was going through the counseling. I can't go into what the counseling was for....it was done by a Christian counselor who was also a friend and an elder's wife in our former church. There was theophostic prayer involved and that is very intense. During those months, we continued our daily lives, but I was shutting down emotionally and therefore physically to get healthy spiritually. (I was healthy; by physically I mean that I didn't want to have sexual intercourse with my husband). God did a miraculous healing in my life and our marriage/physical union improved after that. However....it was a very dark time for us. And most of my communication with Dave was just nothing. I just didn't communicate my needs or desires. I had too much to deal with, emotionally and spiritually, on a personal level. I had nothing else to give. I am not saying this is ok. It is just the way it was. I did find out that it is also normal for that to happen while undergoing major counseling for certain issues.
Shortly after that time we bought the Holy Sex book. I highly recommend this book. It is very thorough. It covers all the sexual "perversions" that have invaded the Church. From adultery to homosexuality. From childhood sexual abuse in the church to pornography. And...how these issues affect Christian marriages.
Things that have stood out for me in that book:
Start with small things. Discuss what you like, what you don't like.
Usually within the first few months, you will learn what your spouse likes/dislikes in intimacy. This might change over time, though. I know it has with me.....SHARE this or your spouse will not know! No one can read minds.
Be respectful.
And listen!
And remember that we, as women, are helpmates
"And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone, I will make him an help meet for him."
--Genesis 2:18
...and....
We are the ones who prefer to talk...we have more words to use up each day. We can initiate the conversations.....
Don't be afraid to ask your spouse what he prefers.
Don't be afraid to discuss any hormonal changes you are facing as you age.
I know that there are times in the month where I do.not.want.to.be.touched. I have had to communicate this to him. He knows it is not him, but my changing hormones, that make me just want to snuggle and go to sleep! :)
(the subject of birth control is another area that needs to take place BEFORE the wedding day....Dave and I never had trouble with this area...but..we did make sure we discussed which methods we would use, and why and we even prayed about these choices!)
I don't really know what else to say about communication and physical intimacy.
I do know that we tend to struggle in this area. There are things from our past that we both, as individuals, have had to deal with in regards to past sexual sin or issues. These things all occurred before we even knew each other yet they have had an impact on our marriage. And we both have dealt with our issues, with professionals,(separately) at different times in the last 20 years. And God has healed both of us and we have seen victory!
WHY was there a negative impact on our marriage? because Satan wants it that way. Satan does not want solid Christian marriages to thrive. Are we gonna let Satan win?? NOT A CHANCE!
Talk to your spouse.
Get marriage counseling from qualified (very important!) Christian counselors if you are struggling with any area of your marriage. ANY area, not just sexual problems.
Now....Dave and I are not perfect. We don't have these deep, intimate conversations each and every evening that leads to a romantic romp between the sheets. But we do talk much more openly now...almost 20 years into our marriage, than we did 10 years ago. As newlyweds, we never had trouble with time or desire...and we talked alot about what we liked, didn't like, etc. And then children came along. And ministry duties. And career-stuff. And Dave traveling for work. And my bout with lyme disease. And the time of counseling, before the lyme. And that's when we had to learn to talk to each other. We weren't always good at it. But we did learn a few tips:
However....it is one thing to talk about with my children and another thing to blog about!
But....I am going to attempt a post here. I also did some research by re-reading through a very good book that we purchased about 10 years ago called "Holy Sex: God's Purpose and Plan for Our Sexuality" by Terry Wier (founder of Isaiah Ministries) with Mark Carruth, c.1999
Well, just like I've written about before, and like I tell every married woman friend I have, the key to being able to effectively communicate with your spouse is simply by knowing and using your spouse's primary love language. Effective communication is essential in marriage. It can start by you meeting your spouse's love language each and every day.
I believe that effective communication can lead to intimacy. Not just physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy as well. Both are vital.
Spiritual intimacy, in my opinion, is the area that is often overlooked in marriages. And without a spiritual intimacy, emotional and physical intimacy is often lacking...or...it is just mundane. That has been my experience the last 20 (almost!) years of my marriage.
Christ needs to be the center of your marriage!
"When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now." C.S. LewisChrist+Commitment to speaking the Love Language=Communication on a spiritual and emotional level that leads to physical intimacy. (this is my belief)
HOW??
A short version:
- Keeping your heart pure towards Christ by staying in the disciplines of the faith. Repent from sin and ask your spouse for forgiveness if you have sinned against him/her in any way. Basically, keep your heart pure and allow your spouse to be your spiritual accountability partner...
- Encouraging your spouse, and praying for your spouse, to stay committed to Christ.
- Finding out the primary love language if you don't already know it (read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman) and using it daily!
- Talking together: about the daily stuff, about the hopes, dreams, wishes, and prayers. About the future and the vision you have for the marriage. About problems you are having relationally/with each other. and be honest!
- Don't play the "blame game".
- Use "I-messages, not "You need to....."
As you become closer emotionally, it will be easier to discuss the "bedroom stuff".
On a personal note: there was a time, a period of months, where I was receiving some personal counseling for an issue that stemmed from an earlier time in my life....from when I was a teen. It was 1996 and my oldest daughter was just 3 years old. My youngest daughter hadn't even been conceived yet. Dave and I stopped physical intimacy while I was going through the counseling. I can't go into what the counseling was for....it was done by a Christian counselor who was also a friend and an elder's wife in our former church. There was theophostic prayer involved and that is very intense. During those months, we continued our daily lives, but I was shutting down emotionally and therefore physically to get healthy spiritually. (I was healthy; by physically I mean that I didn't want to have sexual intercourse with my husband). God did a miraculous healing in my life and our marriage/physical union improved after that. However....it was a very dark time for us. And most of my communication with Dave was just nothing. I just didn't communicate my needs or desires. I had too much to deal with, emotionally and spiritually, on a personal level. I had nothing else to give. I am not saying this is ok. It is just the way it was. I did find out that it is also normal for that to happen while undergoing major counseling for certain issues.
Shortly after that time we bought the Holy Sex book. I highly recommend this book. It is very thorough. It covers all the sexual "perversions" that have invaded the Church. From adultery to homosexuality. From childhood sexual abuse in the church to pornography. And...how these issues affect Christian marriages.
Things that have stood out for me in that book:
- the union of a husband and wife teach us about the Trinity of God. (our spirits, bodies, souls)
- the masculine and feminine are integrated through marriage.
- that sexual problems in marriage have roots..there is always a root cause...find the root and deal with it, spiritually. (both Dave and I have had to do this). There is a root issue as to why adultery occurs. It is often because of a "spiritual adultery". ( adultery being just one example of a sexual problem). This is not something I have had to personally deal with for which I am thankful!
- that sexual intimacy bonds you with the partner. Whether you are married or not. There is a soul-tie with each and every sexual partner that you have had...therefore...you need to break the soul-tie, through prayer and the healing of God, for your marriage to be healthy, if you have had other partners besides your spouse.
Start with small things. Discuss what you like, what you don't like.
Usually within the first few months, you will learn what your spouse likes/dislikes in intimacy. This might change over time, though. I know it has with me.....SHARE this or your spouse will not know! No one can read minds.
Be respectful.
And listen!
And remember that we, as women, are helpmates
"And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone, I will make him an help meet for him."
--Genesis 2:18
...and....
We are the ones who prefer to talk...we have more words to use up each day. We can initiate the conversations.....
Don't be afraid to ask your spouse what he prefers.
Don't be afraid to discuss any hormonal changes you are facing as you age.
I know that there are times in the month where I do.not.want.to.be.touched. I have had to communicate this to him. He knows it is not him, but my changing hormones, that make me just want to snuggle and go to sleep! :)
(the subject of birth control is another area that needs to take place BEFORE the wedding day....Dave and I never had trouble with this area...but..we did make sure we discussed which methods we would use, and why and we even prayed about these choices!)
I don't really know what else to say about communication and physical intimacy.
I do know that we tend to struggle in this area. There are things from our past that we both, as individuals, have had to deal with in regards to past sexual sin or issues. These things all occurred before we even knew each other yet they have had an impact on our marriage. And we both have dealt with our issues, with professionals,(separately) at different times in the last 20 years. And God has healed both of us and we have seen victory!
WHY was there a negative impact on our marriage? because Satan wants it that way. Satan does not want solid Christian marriages to thrive. Are we gonna let Satan win?? NOT A CHANCE!
Talk to your spouse.
Get marriage counseling from qualified (very important!) Christian counselors if you are struggling with any area of your marriage. ANY area, not just sexual problems.
Now....Dave and I are not perfect. We don't have these deep, intimate conversations each and every evening that leads to a romantic romp between the sheets. But we do talk much more openly now...almost 20 years into our marriage, than we did 10 years ago. As newlyweds, we never had trouble with time or desire...and we talked alot about what we liked, didn't like, etc. And then children came along. And ministry duties. And career-stuff. And Dave traveling for work. And my bout with lyme disease. And the time of counseling, before the lyme. And that's when we had to learn to talk to each other. We weren't always good at it. But we did learn a few tips:
- Cuddling on the couch.....walking down "memory lane"....often leads to physical intimacy.....
- Being honest
- Being alone with no distractions. To really talk. LISTENING to each other.
- Praying and remembering that this was designed by God.
- and everything that I mentioned in the above paragraphs!
"...let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband....do not deprive one another except with consent for a time...."
I Corinthians 7:2b, 5a
NOTE: I wrote this post on Friday evening while my husband was chaperoning a youth group event. Today, Sunday, I am finishing it up after reading it to him. And....our pastor just began a Sermon Series titled "Marriages that Last". Today's was Part One: Reasonable Expectations". Oh how excellent this sermon was!
Main points:
Main points:
1. Be realistic about meeting each other's needs. and know that only God can meet all our needs according to Philippians 4:19
2. Be realistic about sexual fulfillment (I Cor. 7:1-5; 6:18-20)
3. Be realistic about individual differences (Ephesians 5:31; I Cor.12:4)
I was looking for a good quote to wrap things up. Found lots of stuff on the internet, both Christian and secular, about how vitally important it is to have good communication for good sex. Many of the things I read about, I had already written for this post. I guess Dave and I are on the right track!
But really.....the words from Song of Solomon sum it up for me:
"He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love."
Song of Solomon 2:4
Poetry about the love between a king and maiden.
Symbolism for the Love between our King of Kings (our Bridegroom) and our selves.
Keep communicating with your spouse.....and keep communicating with the Lover of your soul.......
Marriage/the marriage bed, is just a taste of what is to come!
10 comments:
Thanks for all of your well-thought -out contributions here. I agree about communication. That has been a difficult area for me my entire life, stemming back to dysfunction as well as the way that I am wired. As that area has developed, our intimacy has gone to deeper levels. When Dave tells me that there is no one else that he would rather spend time with than me, (even his best friend and fishing buddy) I know that God has done a miraculous work in our marriage!
Connie
I know this was a tough topic to blog about but you did so well. There is so much wisdom here, I pray we all can put your information to good use. It's so important!
I can see you are a valiant warrior for marriage! I am blessed to have been connected to you. Thank you for your honesty and courage on such a message.
Tough topic but you did well, Faith! Communication is key to this area of marriage too.
Faith, you did an excellent job with this post.
Thanks, Erin! To everyone else, I will catch up with you on your Marriage Monday posts sometime in the next couple of days....if I haven't already :)
Chock full of good things as usual, Faith. You have the gift of teaching, that's for sure.
Two things stood out to me. The first is this: the key to being able to effectively communicate with your spouse is simply by knowing and using your spouse's primary love language. Very wise words!
The other is your need for theophostic prayer. I'd love to hear more about your experience from a theraputic point of view. Would you be comfortable blogging about what you've learned? I've read a bit about it, and it seems quite good. Tell us more!
This was not an easy topic today. Thanks for fearlessly diving in!
(((Hugs))) e-Mom
I agree with E-mom, you have a teachers heart. I am thankful I had open parents, especially my mom.
Your interesting experience has made you an effective counselor yourself. It's true, Satan does everything to make couples unhappy and broken so we need to overcome any bad situation in our marriage.
Thanks so much for your well-written post.
wow! experience is really the best teacher,..and I learned from you too. thanks for sharing!
Heartifying!
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