WOW!
It's been several months since e-mom has hosted Marriage Monday. But...we're back! Thanks to e-mom from Chrysalis for hosting this again. If you have never written for this monthly gathering of Christian women, feel free to check out her site and join us! I always learn so much from the other articles that are posted.
This month's topic is COMMUNICATION!
This is a foundational component for a successful marriage. Communication tends to break down unless the couple agrees to work on it. Of course, our very first and firm foundation is Jesus Christ, if we are in a committed, Christian marriage.
Communication: the key to successful relationships....
- we tend to get along best with the people we understand the most
- learning to communicate our thoughts and feelings is a vital part of understanding someone.
- it helps us to see the minds and hearts of our spouse (and other people)
- Expectations are clarified, problems are solved, when we learn to communicate our deepest needs, feelings, and frustrations.
WHAT IS COMMUNICATION?
it is NOT just the verbal expression of words! (i.e. your speech)
It IS any message that is conveyed or transmitted through verbalization or writing, through body language or signs/symbols, and a personal rapport with another person
There is such a vast array of information in the Christian world regarding communication in marriages. In fact, the topic is rather overwhelming because we can write pages about it and all of us experience "communication" differently in our marriages. Therefore, I'm not going to do a writing post that "teaches" about communication although the teacher in me wants to. It would be too lengthy and I doubt anyone would read the entire thing. However, it is a topic that is one of my passions. Maybe because it hasn't always been so easy in my own life or marriage to communicate my exact thoughts, feelings, desires, wants, needs, or just ideas.
Therefore, I am going to do a little scene of a typical evening in the T----household. For those of you who don't know, my husband's name is Dave and we have 2 children, both girls. Our oldest daughter, age 18, is out in the Boston area at a Christian college for her freshman year. And our other daughter is still at home and just started Junior High School (7th grade). She will be 13 just before Xmas.
Let's look at life in our home, centering around the theme of communication:
Let's look at life in our home, centering around the theme of communication:
Setting: the T-----home in the Capital Region of New York State
Time: sometime after 8:30 pm on a Thursday evening
Background of the day's events: Claire leaves for the school bus at 6:35 a.m; Dave leaves in his car about 6:45 for a 25 min commute to his office; I leave for the elementary school where I work as a TA in Special Ed at about 7:35 in my own car, after making the bed, picking up breakfast dishes, and tossing chicken stew in the crockpot. Since it's a Thursday, I leave work at 11 a.m. wondering if the autistic boy I am working with will make any verbalizations this afternoon while working with the speech and music therapists. I run 2 quick errands and am home for a lite lunch around 12:30 pm. I get the mail, pay some bills and do some light housework (vacuum/dust family room in prep for my small group later that evening). I throw a load of laundry in the wash and fold the towels that are still sitting in the dryer. I text my oldest daughter to see how the last couple of days have been and tell her I love her. Claire walks in with a load in her bookbag...she has Russian, Math, English, and Health homework. She grabs a snack after telling me a brief summary of her day, and heads to her room while texting a friend from youth group. I check on her to make sure the cell phone is put away and she's doing her HW. I add some more spices to the chicken stew and call Claire to set the table. Because it is Thursday and a youth group nite, she has to finish all her HW before we eat an early dinner (5:30). I throw a loaf of garlic bread in the oven, cut up fresh fruit for a side dish to the stew and check Facebook msgs. Only one message and it doesn't need an answer right away. I scroll down the homepage to see what my friends are up to, and Dave walks in the door. Is it really 5:30?? YIKES! I give him a quick kiss, hug and get the food on the table while he flips through the mail and washes hands. Claire comes to the table with ipod buds in ears. She removes them, we pray, eat and do small talk about the day. I, of course, have over 10,000 words to use up (being a woman) and I prattle on about the special people I worked with all day. Dave clears his place, reminds Claire to get going; I clear for her so she can grab her Bible, brush her teeth ,and then they are off to youth group. Meanwhile I clear the dining room, plop dishes in dishwasher, wipe down counters, set out pretty mugs, make a pot of coffee and set out cold drinks/cups/ice. I gather 2 chairs from the dining room, place in family room, go freshen up, grab my small group bag and say a quick prayer about the teaching/study. I lead the discussion and have loads of fun encouraging, chatting with, and just hanging out with my mom-friends. We pray, they leave and by the time I've put small group things away, Dave and Claire are home from youth group. I ask her what she learned, she grunts a reply and heads up to the shower.
In the family room: it is now after 9 pm. Claire has showered, we've chatted a bit while she does her hair, I pray and she turns off her light for sleep. I head down to where Dave is in the family room. He is on his laptop checking critiques from his writing. I turn on my laptop to answer the FB message from a far away friend and begin a Words with Friends game with my sister in law. Meanwhile, I am aching inside to just talk with my husband. WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT THESE DAYS?? WHY IS HE ALWAYS ON HIS LAPTOP AND WHY AM I?? All of a sudden I have a text notification. Courtney has commented on my latest status as has Dave. I comment back on theirs. I notice Courtney isn't online tonite....she must be socializing or studying. Smart girl. I notice she is on FB less.....YAY! How come Dave and I are still on our laptops yet sitting in the same room of the house??
I turn my off and remove it from the room.
I tell him I want to talk......he says he's listening but he's still typing.
~~sigh~~
I turn to go upstairs and get ready for bed.....making comments under my breath about spending time off the computer.....with a sarcastic bite to my words......
I come back down stairs. Dave is off the computer and the tv news is on....groan....I pick up a book, read a bit, and head back upstairs. Dave follows about 5 minutes later.
Finally we are in bed. Together. Tired from the day. We attempt conversation and cuddling but we are both so tired.......
And the next morning I realize something must change. We need to communicate....and my youngest daughter nailed it on the head last weekend. She said "mommy, daddy, why are you playing FB games when we could play a game together? for real?" OUCH. We shut off all technology, including our cells and played Scrabble with her. And it was awesome. She then proceeded to tell us she wants us to start really talking with her at dinner time and for it to not be so rushed. OUCH.
Out of the mouths of babes........
What does the Bible say about communication?
Ephesians 4:29 says "let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers."
Words are powerful! They can wound or heal. And no words can be just as hurtful. If words are spoken in love, they will be remembered for years to come. And if words are spoken in anger they will be remembered for years to come. We must carefully chose our words...I cannot nag Dave but I can make my needs and wants known to him by carefully choosing the words, and by showing him with my body language what I want him to hear. I can encourage less time on the electronics by being available for him and to encourage him to relax with me, not just next to me. We can pray together...this might not happen every evening but we can set aside one evening a week.....because I firmly believe that when we become intimate with Jesus, together......we will become more intimate as a married couple. And I don't just mean physically.
I Peter 3:10 & 11= "For he who would love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips from speaking deceit. Let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it."
In the family room: it is now after 9 pm. Claire has showered, we've chatted a bit while she does her hair, I pray and she turns off her light for sleep. I head down to where Dave is in the family room. He is on his laptop checking critiques from his writing. I turn on my laptop to answer the FB message from a far away friend and begin a Words with Friends game with my sister in law. Meanwhile, I am aching inside to just talk with my husband. WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT THESE DAYS?? WHY IS HE ALWAYS ON HIS LAPTOP AND WHY AM I?? All of a sudden I have a text notification. Courtney has commented on my latest status as has Dave. I comment back on theirs. I notice Courtney isn't online tonite....she must be socializing or studying. Smart girl. I notice she is on FB less.....YAY! How come Dave and I are still on our laptops yet sitting in the same room of the house??
I turn my off and remove it from the room.
I tell him I want to talk......he says he's listening but he's still typing.
~~sigh~~
I turn to go upstairs and get ready for bed.....making comments under my breath about spending time off the computer.....with a sarcastic bite to my words......
I come back down stairs. Dave is off the computer and the tv news is on....groan....I pick up a book, read a bit, and head back upstairs. Dave follows about 5 minutes later.
Finally we are in bed. Together. Tired from the day. We attempt conversation and cuddling but we are both so tired.......
And the next morning I realize something must change. We need to communicate....and my youngest daughter nailed it on the head last weekend. She said "mommy, daddy, why are you playing FB games when we could play a game together? for real?" OUCH. We shut off all technology, including our cells and played Scrabble with her. And it was awesome. She then proceeded to tell us she wants us to start really talking with her at dinner time and for it to not be so rushed. OUCH.
Out of the mouths of babes........
So....Communication that is not electronic has not really been happening here in my home. And I am determined, with the Lord's help, that this is going to change because I don't want to be one of those families who only make small talk over a rushed breakfast or dinner. I don't want my youngest to have FB-consumed parents.
I don't want my oldest coming home from college to find that her parents are strangers. to each other.
What does the Bible say about communication?
Ephesians 4:29 says "let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers."
Words are powerful! They can wound or heal. And no words can be just as hurtful. If words are spoken in love, they will be remembered for years to come. And if words are spoken in anger they will be remembered for years to come. We must carefully chose our words...I cannot nag Dave but I can make my needs and wants known to him by carefully choosing the words, and by showing him with my body language what I want him to hear. I can encourage less time on the electronics by being available for him and to encourage him to relax with me, not just next to me. We can pray together...this might not happen every evening but we can set aside one evening a week.....because I firmly believe that when we become intimate with Jesus, together......we will become more intimate as a married couple. And I don't just mean physically.
I Peter 3:10 & 11= "For he who would love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips from speaking deceit. Let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it."
Some tips for married couples, from the Soul Care Bible (NKJV)
- Be of one mind. (we won't agree on everything but we can be of one mind...we might need to COMPROMISE to one another in order to be united)
- Have COMPASSION. If we know that the other person really does care it will help us to share our deepest thoughts and feelings.
- LOVE We need to remember to show the kind of love found in I Corinthians 13. It's obvious, but we don't always live this way.
- Be tenderhearted and courteous. This means having the attitude that puts the other person's needs ahead of our own.
- Blessing our spouse. This means always wanting the best for our spouse.
"Spouses who follow this recipe of honor will find vitality and will communicate effectively."
 |
| faith and dave july 2011 backyard bonfire |
Let's begin by putting away our laptops, cells, and i-pods for an evening. Soon we might find that the one evening is turning into several.
"A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, and a word spoken in due season, how good it is!" Proverbs 15:23
Our husbands are blessings from God......Let's cherish our time together on this earth....let's fully communicate
.....learning......
loving......
leaning on Him......
.......the Lover of our souls........
12 comments:
I don't think we are aware just how much time we tend to spend on laptops and phones and everything else electronic. It has become so much a part of this society's life that I think we need to make purposeful decisions to take the time to unplug each day otherwise it won't naturally happen.
Thanks for sharing a real life scenario that occurs in many of our homes. Thanks for sharing the encouragement to spend 'real time ' together!!
Great scenario! Yep, time is needed to communicate!
Awesome, Faith... and I hope you used up some of your 10,000 word allotment writing this post! (Glad to hear it!)
We made a pact early on that we would have 1/2 hour of conversation alone together after dinner EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT. It's mostly to meet my need, since he talks all day on the phone (and meets) with clients. By the day's end, his words are all used up. But I still have many more to share. Since we all have to break into our activities to eat, it just makes sense to us to tack on an extra 1/2 hour to catch up and share. When we need more time away from distractions, we go for a drive. (He prefers the manly "side-by-side" chat over female "face-to-face," so I go along for his sake.)
Loved the cartoon!!! Yes, in our family, we all sit around on our computers in the living room these days, but we all love to gab too. So for us, it's not out of balance. In fact, our son (the techy) is adamant about IRL contact (...he has 900 FB friends!). Good thing his new job is recruitment, eh?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts about unplugging... timely, very timely. And thanks, as always, for joining us for Marriage Monday.
Hugs. e-Mom
P.S. This was a very long comment, LOL.
Very nice! I agree as well. My husband and I will text eachother and we're in the house together! Or I'll text my stepdaughter if she is in her room, me being too lazy to walk upstairs. And night after night, my hub and I sit in the living room, tv on and our laptops on our laps both doing different things.
I miss the days when we lived in our old house and it was a drafty house but cozy. In the fall/winter, every evening we'd turn lights off downstairs, lock the doors and head up to bed with our little space heater and our Bibles and any other books we wanted to read before bed. Sometimes we'd read silently, sometimes there were discussions. I miss those days. I want to get them back!
Excellent thoughts and so true media steals our communication skills for sure.
Faith, I can relate so much to this! I even jokingly call my husband's phone "Lolitta" because he's always staring at it and "fondling" it! haha! Electronics truly are the scourge on modern day marriages. Thanks for sharing so honestly and for the reminder to put down the laptop or phone! Thanks also for sticking up for me on my blog! Your encouragement and support was greatly appreciated!
You have brought out here the culprit of millions and millions of homes' hindrance to communication, technology especially FB. It takes much time to reply to comments on our posts or even PMs, becoming a vicious cycle, that there is less time left to meaningfully communicate with our family members. But yes, I really agree that we need to unplug any gadgets or turn cellphones off some time to enjoy each other's company at home.
Thank you for the encouragement, Faith. God bless.
I like how you shared a day in your life. And yes, turning things off can make a big difference. Thanks for sharing.
My Dave and I made a decision a long time ago to start investing more heavily into our relationship. We didn't want to find ourselves as empty-nesters with nothing in common. It wasn't always easy because having 4 children means more demands for your time and attention. As we intentionally took time for us, pursuing mutual interests, the intimacy level began to grow and deepen. Now that our youngest is in his 3rd year of college (out of state in Oklahoma at OU) we are enjoying our lives to the fullest! Too many times couples can become strangers at this juncture in their lives; when their lives focus and revolve less and less around their children. We are thoroughly enjoying this stage of our lives together!
Connie
Faith --
What a vivid word picture you paint! I kept thinking, "She needs to break this into smaller paragraphs to prevent her readers from getting screen fatigue" and then realized how well your method (one long paragraph) illustrated your message (one long exhausting day!)
My husband's office is upstairs and mine is down. In the evening, it's so easy for both of us to be "busy" at our respective desks and computers. We're always doing something "important." But then we each assume that the other is completely wrapped up in doing something MORE important than, say, spending time together. So we don't ask or plan.
It'll just get to be 10:00 or 10:30 PM and one of us will say, "I'm going to bed; it's late!" and the other will say, "I've been waiting for you for an hour!" That used to drive me nuts -- how on earth was I supposed to know he was just "killing time" waiting for me to get done?
I've started being very concrete and specific in asking questions to find out how much he has on his plate for the evening and telling him how busy I will/won't be. "I'll be busy with lesson planning 'til 8:00 PM and then need to write some e-mails for about half an hour. But by 8:30, maybe 8:45, I'll be pretty much done for the evening."
And then, rather than wait for him to notice that it's 8:45, I go tell him, "I'm pretty much done for the evening. How are things going for you?" Sometimes we're able to hang out by the fire or something couple-ish like that, sometimes we're not. But at least we're becoming more clear in communicating.
My friend Kathi Lipp and her husband go screen-free every evening at 8:00 PM. I think they're on to something very wise...!
I love this because I think it happens way more than we care to admit. It's very easy to get caught up in things to do, and errands to run, and let technology distract us. Thanks so much for sharing these scriptures as well. They are very encouraging.
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