Marriage Monday is back!! To read how you can join in, head over to this blog, hosted by E-Mom. our topic this month is Gender Differences in Marriage.
I decided to interview my husband, Dave, for this marriage post. Here is our conversation from sitting together in the family room on a chilly Sunday afternoon:
 |
| Columbus Day Weekend in MA October 2012 |
Faith: What is the major difference between men and women in marriage?
Dave: "Communication. We don't speak the same language! We can say the same thing and mean something different and when we do mean the same thing, the parts of what we say that matter, are different."
Faith: Give me an example.
Dave: "the ballerina pointed out to me last week that when I tell a story, it's always the same each time, right down to the specific words I use. I'm trying to be precise. When you re-tell a story, the specific facts you present tend to drift. I think they are less important to you than the emotional statement you're trying to convey."
(blog author's note: the ballerina is our youngest daughter, age 13)
Faith: What do you find the most difficult with our communication?
Dave: "Leaving room for the other person to be different."
Dave expounded on that. He told me that we have had to learn, over the last 22 years of being married, that the "I feel...." statements can't be argued. We won't agree on everything and it requires grace! He says too many young marrieds who think they are always going to agree are going to be very disappointed.
Faith: What is the easiest thing for us regarding communication?
Dave: "We are talkers! We don't hide things. Some people have a hard time opening up but we aren't those people!"
So...there you have it!!
And yes, we have been to numerous marriage workshops. Communication is almost always a separate section of learning in the conference. I like what Gary Chapman has to say from his book The Marriage You've Always Wanted. We had the privilege of sitting under Dr Chapman at a conference at our church last winter.
"just as we would never know what God is like if He had not chosen to communicate Himself through His Spirit, so we cannot know each other unless we choose to communicate. "I can read him like a book" may be true after 50 years of free communication, but it is not true in the early years of marriage.
Communication is an act of the will. This is illustrated in 2 Corinthians 6:11,13 where Paul says to the Corinthians, "Our heart is opened wide.....open wide your hearts to us also" (NASB). We communicate or do not communicate by deliberate act." (pg 56)
Dr Chapman goes on to say that there are 3 levels of communication: begin with the details. Talk about your day in detail and add the feelings (the emotions) that go along with it. This kind of sharing will bring a fresh sense of unity.
The 2nd level of communication is that of problem-solving and/or decision-making.
The 3rd level is communicating when the "pressure is on". This takes work and practice.
I highly encourage you to read the book to learn more. The chapter on communication is excellent and I don't have time here to thoroughly give you what he suggests.
Healthy communication that is meaningful is not a luxury. It is a necessity!
There are barriers to communication but they can be overcome. It is an act of your will! Here are some suggestions of things to ask your selves:
- Who is the most talkative in your marriage?
- What areas of communication need to be worked on?
- Read the book "The Marriage You've Always Wanted" and work on the sections in the communication chapter that pertain to your specific marriage.
"When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen." ~Ernest Hemingway
"Men and women belong to different species, and communication between them is a science still in its infancy." ~Bill Cosby~
"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." ~Proverbs 12:18
"Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing" ~ 1 Peter 3: 8 & 9~
Be blessed today.....
5 comments:
Appreciate your sharing.
How wonderful that you would feel led to ask your (uber-rational) husband communicate via an interview--and that he would want to talk about--of all things--communication! Love it. I feel the joy you share together. You're a terrific couple.
Thanks for sharing and linking up Faith. I know you're very busy.
Hugs, e-Mom
Enjoyed your post. Thank you for sharing.
In our marriage I am the talker. Abundantly so! In the early years of our marriage I would go on and on about everything and my poor husband probably wanted to put tape over my mouth!
It took many years and a lot of tears when God went about the monumental task of healing me emotionally. I realized that I had the tendency to be self-absorbed (imagine that!) in an effort to compensate for my bad feelings about myself.
Once God healed me I saw EVERYTHING through different eyes-my past, my future, my relationships...
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that talkers are self-centered but for ME, I wasn't a good listener. As I realized I didn't have to explain myself to the nth degree on everything (because God "gets" me) the focus on self grew less and less. It made an unbelievable difference in the way dave and I now relate to one another!
Be blessed today!
Connie
Hmm...interesting. I like this one. Joe and I have a HUGE problem with communication. I'm sure most married couples do. I'm going to print this and re-read :)
Post a Comment