HOPE in Marriage

image taken from groundviews website

I'm participating in the monthly online ministry of Marriage Monday, hosted by E-Mom of Chrysalis.

This month's topic is COMMITMENT IN MARRIAGE!

She wants us to discuss how we've decided to honor the marriage commitment, no matter what!

Now, before I get started with my thoughts on this topic, I do want to point out that marriage is a covenant from God and is meant, according to the Bible, the Word of God, to be a union between a man and a woman.  That is God's perfect plan. I also firmly believe that divorce is NOT an option unless adultery has occurred and the perpetrator is not repentant or if abuse of any kind is going on in the home and the violator is not repentant nor willing to receive professional counseling/therapy. 

Christian marriages should be an example of the commitment that God has towards us, His people.  Our commitment to each other as husband and wife "comes out of God's commitment to us.  He has promised to love, protect, cherish, and care for us forever---that is a covenant that cannot be broken." (taken from Covenant Marriage by Fred Lowery, based on Mark 10:1-12 in the Soul Care Bible, page 1296-1297)

E-mom gave us several writing prompts and because Marriage Monday has done this topic before, I've decided to write based on the prompt about how HOPE undergirds our marriage commitment.

What is Hope??

Hope is the emotional state which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Despair is the opposite of hope.  Hope is the "feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best" or the act of "look[ing] forward to something with desire and reasonable confidence" or "feel[ing] that something desired may happen". Other definitions are "to cherish a desire with anticipation"; "to desire with expectation of obtainment"; or "to expect with confidence". (taken from wikipedia)

Marriage is like an open door......

............there are expectations..........

the unknown on the other side of the honeymoon...........

............the visions, dreams, plans..........

............but when you open that door to a solid commitment, you do so knowing (prayerfully) that there will be struggles along the way.........

......you're sharing a home.........

...............you're sharing your intimate moments body, mind, soul.........

.................................you're sharing your very life.

But how does HOPE build up, hold up commitment??

I decided to do an acronym for the word "hope" based on what I've learned or observed in my own marriage commitment to Dave. We will be celebrating 23 years of marriage at the end of June.  We are still committed to each other, and just like the Bible says in I Corinthians 7:27 & 28 we have had our struggles.  But we've also been able to get past them, holding on to God's Hand and persevering.  Sometimes it was through the wise spiritual counsel of a trusted friend or leader in the church, sometimes it was through Scripture and prayer and much repentance and forgiveness, but it was always with our marriage theme in the front of our minds:  "Married for life..........friends for eternity" No, we haven't struggled with adultery or abuse of one another or any gross major sins.  We have struggled with pride, selfishness, greed, Biblical submission, humility or lack thereof, and impatience.  And honestly...who hasn't, right??  But we are determined to do life together in the way God has designed it.  Which brings me to the first letter in the word hope.

H:  HONOR God (and your vows!) first.  God is the One we need to put first in our lives.  Daily. By becoming intimate with God, we learn His ways.  We can walk like Jesus walked.  With Grace. and mercy.  and forgiveness. In humility.  It takes work. But by spending time with God and loving Him with all of our mind, we will have a solid foundation of true love. And by keeping the wedding vows in the forefront of your mind, you can remind your self, (sometimes daily if needed!) WHY you married the person, WHY you want it to succeed, and WHY it's important for your children's legacy/future. And follow the "golden rule". Treat him the way you want to be treated and harmony/peace will co-exist with you.

O:  OFFER up a love language!  By offering your spouse's primary love language to him, you are fulfilling an emotional need in his life.  We all have a primary love language....an emotional need for love that is met by one of 5 different ways we "feel" loved.  (if you aren't familiar with this concept or don't know your own love language, I highly recommend you read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman).  By offering Dave "words of affirmation" each day, I am building up his love language.  He needs to hear me say affirming words to him, just like I need little gifts (not always store-bought!) to feel loved.  This also helps with communication and intimacy!

P: PRACTICE THE PRESENCE OF GOD!  Dave and I aren't very good at "doing devotions" together. I've written about it before. It's not his thing. We do pray together for big decisions or for others/our children. But we do both spend time "practicing the presence of God" which to me includes reading the Word, reading devotionals  for growth and to quiet my mind/to slow down my pace of daily life.  We also firmly believe in praise and worship and attending church regularly when we are in town. Practicing the presence of God, really becoming intimate with our Savior, helps our marriage to thrive.  We can share what God is teaching us through His Word/prayer/small groups/friends and it helps to build up our faith to a deeper level.  This in turn helps us stay committed to each other. We believe in having "alone" time with the Lord as well as with each other. There are many benefits to giving thanks to the Lord for what He has done/brought in our lives....the "blessings" in our lives.  When we try to live and walk as Jesus did, it will help our relationship with each other.  We need to have intimacy with our Savior before we can even think about being intimate on a deep level with another person. I truly don't know how the unbeliever does their marriage without Christ in it.  

E: EXPECTATIONS!  It is good to have goals.  But be mindful of the expectations you are placing on your spouse.  I often have struggled with this.  My hopes and dreams need to line up with what God has purposed for my life. By submitting my life to Christ, on a daily basis, I will find that my expectations might change in my married life.  Have reasonable expectations for each other.  Pray about each other's role in your marriage. Hope is a kind of expectation isn't it? We hope our marriage lasts.  We hope our spouse loves us til death do us part. We hope we live long full lives enjoying each other's company.  Don't ruin what God has put together by having unrealistic expectations!  I can't expect my husband to fully understand my need to be outside. I can communicate with him that being out in God's creation is my spiritual temperament.... a "naturalist" who craves that time in the woods, on a mountain, in a kayak.  Just like he can't force me to enjoy science fiction and want to watch every sci fi movie out there!  We can share each other's likes if we are committed to spending time with each other and keeping the expectations within reasonable boundaries.  For example: Dave  just has no interest in hiking up a big mountain, but he does enjoy a quiet paddle on a remote lake.  I don't like watching movies every weekend but once in awhile I can watch something with him or read one of his science fiction stories he's trying to edit.  I can't expect him to remember every little detail regarding the girls' schedules but I can communicate that Claire could use some "Daddy-Daughter" time.  We need to remember that yes, we both are committed to the relationship but that our expectations are going to be vastly different. And that it's ok.

When I think of the word "hope" I like to quote the Scripture from Romans 12:12 which says:

The hope for our marriage can make us glad....we have a hope in God.

Place your hopes in God!

Yes we will have trials.  We are not immune!  But.....walking alongside God and our spouse, we can find the patience we need. We might have to give the struggle over to God DAILY....you might get discouraged.....but....HOPE!

Honor Him, Offer up your spouse's love language, Practice the Presence of God, and Expect good things!

..........and never stop praying!