in search of.........

so during my morning devotions before work, I just "happened" to have this verse at the top of the page:

"restore the joy of Your salvation to me, and give me a willing spirit." ~Psalm 51:12~

and...I kind of rolled my eyes.  You know...like "God, really?  Of course I have joy in my heart.  I love You, I worship You, I want to follow Your ways, I'm leading a small group,  and I'm like super busy lately praying for everyone in my life...of course I'm joyful in my salvation".

 "are you really?  do you really have the passion and zeal you had when you first accepted Me and decided to follow my Son?.....be honest...are you really, Faith?"

 Don't ya just love when God whispers words of warning before you've even finished your morning coffee??

I went on to read the devotional which was about a young woman dealing with the consequences of a past sin and was still feeling shame about it,  but that verse just kept pulling my eyes to the top of the page.  I finally turned to the  Psalm in my Bible to read the entire thing.  It's one of those Psalms where I have portions of it memorized and there's even an old 1970s worship song that goes along with part of it.  But.......that 12th verse!  It just wouldn't leave me alone.

Why??

Well, because I have  "felt" lately like I have lost the joy of my salvation. Yet I didn't realize that is what it was until I read that Scripture this morning!

  Has that ever happened to you?

  In the past, it is usually because something has triggered a negative emotion in me (typically anger or frustration) that relates to my own past.  The topic is abuse.  and it isn't pretty.  It never is.  Yet it shouldn't change the way I feel, right?? 

I sat with my coffee getting cold while I mulled this over.  Maybe the irritation I was feeling lately was really the loss of the "joy of my salvation".  I was plodding along through the school year doing all the right things: praying for others, giving my time, leading a small group, ministering to hurting friends, volunteering at Passion Road, worshiping, collecting prom gowns for needy girls.  In other words, doing good works.  Yet.....

God wants just me.  He wants me to have the joy of salvation.........to just be.  To dwell in Him....to not run away from triggers but to face them head on and give them, once again, to the foot of the Cross.  

To say aloud that yes, I am still kind of angry over past leaders from a past church doing nothing about the abuse of a young girl.  And it was this week a few years ago when everything came to light.  Yet..I can't really dwell on that.

  I need to just be honest with God and tell Him I.am. still.mad.  

I know I don't have to have a relationship with these people ever again. I know the girl has received counsel and is doing well.  I know what my husband says about it and that we never have to see anyone connected to this atrocity again.

Yet my relationship with my Savior is important and part of that intimacy means being honest about my earthly relationships.  To grow in Christ means I have to be honest with Him and He won't get annoyed that once again I am dealing with this issue. He is here for me.  He loves me.  He wants my broken heart.  He wants my anger.

So, once again, I take this issue to the foot of the Cross and lay it at Jesus' feet.

once again I'm in search of that joy...........

because He IS my salvation.

And I will experience joy in my soul once again.