Truth Be Told

 This song came on the radio early one spring morning as I drove to work. 

 It made me pause........so many times in our young married life, back in a different church where women were so very different from me, I would  be just like what this song is about.......saying I was fine  when in reality I wasn't; but I never really connected with anyone there and certainly never trusted most of the women.....there were reasons for that and thankfully the Lord led me to just the right friend who later became my counselor. And I did have a couple of friends there....but the relationships were superficial and there were church "rules" (legalism) which totally turns me off. 

 However, in 2005, when our two daughters were ages 12 and 7, we knew it was time to leave that place (a whole other testimony!) and I found myself at age 45 in 2005 in this amazing church called Grace Fellowship and for the last 17 years I have been able to be myself. We were hearing core Biblical truths preached from an actual pastor and learning about convictions vs preferences vs those core truths. It totally freed us!  Friendships have formed.  Some because I heard the Lord calling me to be a small group leader for other women with teens and then we just .......stayed...some longer than others and some years all new women except 2 of us....but friendships were formed and I could trust.......I never felt the need to not be fully honest. Some friendships were formed from serving in other ministries when the girls were younger.  I honestly can say I have always felt free to be my authentic self in our church of 17 years. We trust the leadership and that is huge for me.  I've enjoyed getting to know some of them and have never felt like I couldn't talk to them about anything. This goes for the other couples we have come to know and love as well as our friends we do life with. 

 Until this spring. I woke up the first week of April (2 weeks after being off an antibiotic for a sinus infection diagnosed by my primary care doctor) with a raging headache in the frontal part of my sinuses.  Just a pounding headache and my typical over the counter sinus med was not working. I tried a NSAID...no relief. I tried Tylenol. No relief.  I didn't think much of it as I became used to pain during the lyme disease saga from 2001-2003. 

I went to work.  Came home with the headache. Went to bed with the headache. Woke up with the headache. Every day for a week.  Tried all the home remedies I could think of.  Went back to my  doctor and was given a 2nd antibiotic.  Now this is mid-April and one of my fave times (and busiest times!) of the school year. I was wrapping up a small group study that was rather intense.  It's a busy time in Special Education and it's when my hiking season begins. I wanted to feel like my normal self.  I took the Rx med, told my immediate educational team at work about the pain but kept showing up at work praying to God the med would work. It didn't. I now had a couple of other symptoms (a deep fatigue and congestion) and just knew this wasn't my "normal" sinus infection. I had two covid tests.....both negative (one self administered and one from my doc).  I prayed.  I cried.  I cried a lot.  I was mad at God......"God you KNOW I love my hiking season.  WHY is this happening to me? everything was going great. I have a group to lead, a classroom to help teach, and my hiking group waiting for me to plan events. Come on, God, You're the Healer.  I can't go through what I did 20 years ago with the lyme.  I cannot.".  This thought pattern continued into May. 

I went to an ENT per the recommendation of a co-worker and had an endoscopy.  All "looked" normal.  "It's allergies"  I was told. I explained I have never had seasonal allergies. I'm allergic to most dogs and some cats and as I've aged, that has been less of an issue. Plus, I'm never around pets.  We choose to not have them. I explained all this to the urgent care ENT.  I was told to try a certain OTC allergy med.  It did nothing. In fact, the congestion appeared to get worse not better. The pain in my head was so bad one Friday evening that I was pacing.  I thought I'd have to ask my husband to bring me to the ER.  I kept thinking "well it must be allergies since the ENT said a person can acquire them at any age any time". The pain was relentless and yet I just kept trying to trust that God had me in the palm of His Hand. 

And that is when God whispered "get prayer.  Call small group people.  Tell your pastor's wife. Get Dave to lay hands on you.  Call your oldest and get her to pray with her friends. Call your aunt. Call your other Christian friends who aren't in small group.  Get prayer. Bring Me your worries." So I did.  I swallowed my pride (Man....do I hate appearing weak, out of control and desperate and yet I was feeling all of that plus anger and depression and I am NEVER depressed. )

I texted, emailed, and made phone calls. 

I even started sharing about the daily pain on this blog and had 2 women email me whom I have never met who said they would pray and one woman got her intercessory friends to pray!  Another blogger/pen pal said she put my name through to her church prayer chain. WOW.  God was teaching me it's ok to ask for help.  And all of these people were checking in on me. That was a huge encouragement and blessing. 

But of course now I was battling worry/anxiety.  I began reading all of the Scriptures I know regarding anxious thoughts and worry and calling out to the Lord and even claiming certain healing Scriptures over my body.  I was faithful to read my devotionals each day on these topics. I was checking off "all the things". 

And that's just it......I was checking things off I knew to do and that in and of themselves are not bad things. Yet....I wasn't spending quality time alone with my Savior. I was not going into the secret place with Him. I was mad but not telling Him and I was sad without telling Him and instead trying to do everything in my own strength. 

I went back to a different ENT and she also did an endoscopy plus ordered a sinus scan.  Meanwhile I was put on a 3rd antibiotic even though no doctor did a sinus culture/nasal culture and even though the ENTs believed it was allergies. I had to have yet another covid test and then another one. Always negative. By now we are into June and I started to be more honest in my prayers.  I told the Lord I was scared (what if it's a brain tumor?) I asked my husband "why would God heal me, or even listen to me when B----is dying of cancer and L is dealing with an issue and J----is dealing with a brain tumor.?"  Why would God even listen to this??  

And yet I knew deep down in my heart He would.

 Now I was becoming resigned to just always dealing with a headache. I started researching allergies and found a device that has micro currents similar to what my chiropractor uses on my back but for your sinuses.  It promised complete relief within 2 weeks. (nope).  I ordered all natural homeopathic allergy stuff and sprays. Nothing was working.  Finally the ENT ordered a 2nd nasal spray that "sort of" worked.  And she put me on a 3rd OTC allergy med along with a prescription one.  Nothing really worked and I was noticing that the over the counter antihistamines were making me worse. And yet I was spending money on all the things I was told to do and nothing was working which was really making me mad!

Finally I got alone with the Lord in my secret place.  A mountain summit. I was hiking by my self one Saturday morning. A small, easy mountain.  With head pain. I had a few moments of no pain so of course was praising God for that. And on top of that mountain was when I heard that still, small voice.........the Holy Spirit was impressing on me to give up taking the over the counter meds.  This was the end of June before my husband and I went away for our anniversary.  So.  I had that whisper.  But I kind of ignored it.  I mean, the doctor said to try it for 4 weeks and I was only on week 2.  So....off to the Finger Lakes we went and I did have a couple of hours each evening with no pain. Glory to God.  Came home....and it all came back!

I attended the funeral of my childhood pastor and God placed a woman (older friend of our  family) next to me at the luncheon. She was asking how I was and had heard I was having sinus issues (her younger sister is a good friend and one of my prayer partners).  She began to tell me her story and that she discovered that most allergy meds cause MORE congestion not less. That they are really for different symptoms none of which I had. This was confirmation from God!!  So....I listened and stopped the allergy tablets. I was still taking the prescription ones because Dave really thought I should listen to the ENT and do the month like I promised. So I did.  In mid-July though, I was again alone with the Lord and lifting up other people's requests when all of a sudden I started to cry and told God I just couldn't take it anymore. I was done. I was confused, scared, and just not sure what to do.  The sinus scan was all normal.  Absolutely no infections or anything abnormal.  The congestion was starting to go away since I was off the antihistamines but I was still waking up with it and the headache was still the same just less intense upon waking.....it got worse as the day went on. It was all just so confusing. 

So.  I decided to just cry out to God.  I told Him I believed He is the ultimate Physician.  Yes, I am thankful for modern technology like MRI's and scans and medicine if it's needed.  Yet I am a naturalist by spiritual temperament and that also includes in my physical development. I don't mind taking an Advil when needed but I"m a firm believer of vitamins, essential oils, natural ingredients and a plant based diet. I believe our bodies were created to heal themselves of certain things. I heard the Spirit of God....at least I think it was ...I don't think it was just my thoughts.....I think it was from the Lord....to stop the prescription allergy med.  It had been 5 weeks and nothing was changing. We were in Plymouth for a half week of checking in on Dave's folks, and enjoying some time together the end of July for Dave's birthday.  I had one day completely pain free!!  It was a day I only took a decongestant.  The next day the pain came back. 

When we arrived back in NY, my RX med was waiting for me to pick it up at the pharmacy.  It had been a full month!  So.....I asked the Lord for more guidance. I picked up the med and alerted the pharmacist to not fill it again automatically but instead to wait for me to call.  She fixed my records and I went home. I put it away and made the decision to not take it that night. As that first week of August went on (last week) I noticed I was not having congestion unless I was out in the very high temps and humidity.  I was waking up with a very mild headache but within an hour it was gone. and this time Ibuprofen or aspirin is working if needed. 

One morning this past week, I got alone with the Lord before work and heard "Trust.  Trust Me with your body. Stop all medications and sprays. Trust me. I have made You and You are made in my Image. Trust me.  Take your life one day at a time. Enjoy my Presence and live. ( this has been a running theme in most of the devotionals I have completed this year). 

I can write this and say almost all sinus issues are gone. Was it allergies?? i don't know.  I still plan on going to my allergy testing on the 30th once we are back from our lake vacation in a couple weeks. I still plan on claiming certain healing Scriptures over my body. But truth be told.....I may never know what this really was!

God has taught me that I can do all things through Him because He is the source of my Strength. He has taught me that it really is ok to ask for help...for prayer......that our community of Believers are meant to be praying for one another...that we need to be authentic and truthful......and He taught me to lay down my pride and just be still with Him. That some things are out of our control and it is sooooo okay because HE is in control.  He has a plan for our lives and a purpose and although I still don't know what this sinus thing was all about....HE DOES.  And that's okay.  He IS the Healer. 

Jehovah Rapha ....The God who Heals.