Sometimes I just wonder......

Do you ever have thoughts of "where's God in this?" (when thinking or questioning certain circumstances).  Recently, as in today, I have been in a slump about God's hand in a couple of situations.

One is work.  I'm a master level teacher working as an aide (by choice) and I see so much that is wrong on so many levels in a certain classroom.  And yet....where is God in this???  I quit teaching special ed preK to stay home and raise 2 babies....and enjoyed working part time. and yet I find my self, those babies now 18 and 13, working full time in a job that is downright exhausting. and yet it has its perks and can be really fun.........and sad...where is God in little D's pvl??  and where is God in little P's autism?

where is God in this?  Where is His Hand in the day to day ugliness of special education and not enough resources and  a teacher commanded to lead integrated classes and those of us encouraging her and us seeing her face...tired, frustrated, teaching and trying in a class of 22 8- year- olds, 5 of them special needs......and me longing to tell her about God's Love and not being able to......just praying and encouraging.......

Do you have doubts about your moves in this world??

Is God's Hand in the connecting of 2 people thrown together in a classroom, not knowing each other, yet beginning to connect on a personal level and it's scaring me because the last time I connected with this type of bond, the friendship ended abruptly?  Something led me to share a personal anecdote with her.....a "survivor" story of emotional pain....and she responded in kind....and God You are doing something with this person who doesn't know You personally yet is connected to me.....are You setting the stage for future talks and connections and a time for me to share the Gospel....will I know it when it faces me?  Will we have opportunity other than Facebook messages? are we hiding behind the laptop screen, not ready to go this deep in face to faith connection......?  did you place me in her classroom as an encouragement or witness.....do I dare be bold at work....and speak personally without the laptop screen.......do I dare become close to someone again on this kind of level..............Where is God in this......sometimes I wonder.....she sees me as someone to talk with.........and no friend of hers at work or on FB will be jealous......yay.....is this confirmation to go ahead and go deeper.......are You in this, God??

Do you have doubts about the very thing you KNOW is from God and yet....you feel like you are stalled....like you are moving, but not really??

What about listening to the neighbor-friend who is anxious about an elderly dad dying of cancer? Where is God in this??

What about the friend with a wayward child who has hopes and dreams and can only see the bad??


What about the death and destruction of friendships gone sour, marriages splitting apart, families torn? sometimes I wonder where God is in those circumstances.....

What about sharing a teeny glimpse into my past with someone who is a co-worker and we are on professional terms only except on Facebook.....is the FB tool a starting point to a deeper relationship or are we hiding behind our screens?  I know the woman is not a Christian....a good person yes, but not a Christ-follower...and yet...there is a connection on some level....is it God orchestrating steps to a richer relationship...........? Does He want me sharing such a personal story further with her and is just that small glimpse going to lead to something more......and why does she see me as brave? are these just casual words or is she reaching out to tell her own story? Sometimes I wonder what God is doing here.......I don't think it is any coincidence that I am placed in her classroom..........

sometimes I just wonder........

He is there.  He is here.

He sees us....He holds the hearts of those who love Him.


And serve Him

And question Him.

And doubt Him

He allows us to feel the pain of loneliness or sadness or confusion so we can feel the joy in the sorrow...the laughter in the crying, the peace in the war of daily strife.............so we can shine His Light for others to see....brave?? No...just taking steps forward to telling my story.....brave?? she sees me as brave? she only knows a small portion.........yet, will she see faith in this....will she see the Love of God and His mercy and grace....and will she see Him as a shield and fortress from what I was running from........and escaped from......brave?? no...just reaching out so she can see faith in action, and find Someone different....Someone who cares for us and holds us always....even in those chilling times......the getting out of a situation looks like bravery to the world....but to those of us who are Christ followers we know it is His Hand guiding us out..........when we rely on Him alone to be there for us........and protect us.....

and like the new green on trees that spring back to life every spring season, so too does God's Love touch down on us when we open up our hearts to share...and He gives us words.....and discernment of timing....and the knowledge of when to give more and when to pull back.....help me in my unbelief and fears, God!

God is all around her.....and all around these special kids..........and all around past abuse....and all around our daily lives.......

Yet.......Is this His Hand at work...this knitting of 2 hearts....one secular, one sacred....

Sometimes I just wonder.........

'You must love your neighbor as yourself.' No other commandment is greater than these." Mark 12:31

"we can do no great things---only small things with great love"  ~Mother Theresa~