Where the Healing Begins

 

Sometimes I just need to hike alone. 

If I had been braver, I would have escaped to Goodnow Mt one of my fave trails and mountain summits in the lower High Peaks. But there was a bear sighting there recently and so......I chose a closer to home little mountain...a hill really...called The Pinnacle. I'm not a huge fan of the trail and it's very popular but I was alone on the summit for a solid 15 minutes. Just enough time to cry out to God, before more hikers invaded. and just enough time for me to write down what He was whispering...shouting........to my heart. 

These are my thoughts from the day....most of these thoughts came about while actually hiking the 1.1 miles to the summit. I jotted them down in my journal and am writing here from some of those writings from the mountain. 

I'm not going to go into why I'm in this place. This place in my mind, soul, and heart again. On and on it goes.......sometimes 5 years go by and I don't dwell on this issue.....but this summer....ever since a discussion on forgiveness and then the actual forgiving during a prayer time with friends, I've been haunted by this one last thing. This holding on to something which I need to release, yet am stuck. So my thoughts while traversing over loose rocks, went like this: 

I'm caught in an in-between.....

between holding the Hand of my Savior 

to

clenching my fists with old loves, old friends, old hurts locked inside

and Satan laughing because he thinks he won this battle. 

But he hasn't. 

Cause I'm a survivor

I'm wanting God to hold my breaking heart but I'm so used to being in that survival mode I'm afraid to surrender.......

............for to surrender is to fall......

............................................................. and who's going to catch me? 

But just like God.......He showed me His Love in the form of  something He created. 

And then I see a wildflower with several blooms, standing alone among the weeds but it's tall and is that me? and He whispers, that's like you with friends all around you but these are safe friends, trustworthy friends and they will stand with you. 

And then I come to the summit and I say, God I see evidence that you are all around me but why do you feel so distant?? 

And then I sat.  In the quiet. It was peaceful but my heart and mind were not at peace. 

I whispered "God please talk to me about this pain" 

And here's what I journaled as His Spirit moved my pen so fast across the paper I could barely keep up and had to re-read it after I was done writing.......

This is where the healing begins

This is where the healing starts 

(like the song!)

When you come to where you're broken within....My Light will meet your dark.......

My Spirit sees you have forgiven your own abuser and those former leaders.  However, you're afraid to see Truth....the Truth that will set you o nthe path to healing is to see that none of those people were your friends. They were acquaintances who judged you. time and time again. 

I've given you people now to be your true friends....but you're so afraid to get close to them. 

You hold them at arm's length and for many that's ok.....for the ones that are acquaintances......

but Oh my daughter, you have been given some true friends. 

Friends who can speak into your life.  Friends who aren't afraid to tell you the Truth. Friends whom you can trust. Friends who won't betray you. 

I see the disappointments and losses you've had to face these last few years: the loss of your earthly father, the loss of trail running that you loved so much, the loss of climbing certain mountains due to your spine issues and I saw you when you had constant headache pain. I never left you. You endured so much physical pain and pushed past it. Can you not see I am here...your friends are here....to help you push through this emotional pain?? 

You had to grieve the loss of your spiritual mentor M...she left the church and has her own issues with church abuse and refuses to deal with it....maybe that's a loss for your best.....you, my daughter, are going to deal with it.......

I've given you a different friend in her place....do not shut her out. You have shut out people in your past.  Do you not see I had a purpose for you in creating SoulSteps beyond the hiking fun? You have begun to form friendships with some of these women. I knew exactly who you needed in your life......and this is where your healing begins. 

Your friends want to walk with you as you release the old and grab onto the new...the Truth.........I will have a perfect time for that release....for you to release these people from your past.  I will have a perfect time for you to unclench those fists, and surrender to My Love completely. And then you will go and share your healing with others. 

Your friends won't judge you. They accept you. 

You long for approval from past leaders but you will never get it...nor will they ask you to forgive them because it is MY Spirit and My Spirit only that can move them.

Your new friends? They don't see you as broken.  They do see you as strong but they pray for you to release the pain of lost friends and embrace the new ones. 

You're like the green leaf with the torn spot.  You're growing in Me and you have over the years but you have this torn spot that I want to make whole. 

It all comes down to trust. 

This is where your healing begins.