Leaving It There

I want to share something that God has done for me. Maybe it's because I have a half hour to be on the computer, or because we just had some awesome worship at church this morning; but it's really because we had a stirring sermon about growing in Christ....about how it is a life-long process.

Boy, is that ever true!

Recently (this past August) I disclosed some information to a trusted friend that I needed to just say. Something that was just bottled up inside of me for years, since my early twenties.

I don't know why God allowed the circumstances to happen that did happen way back then. It was a matter of domestic violence with a boyfriend I had been living with; I was a "back sliding" Christian. For those of you not familiar with that term, that means I was not walking with Christ and following His plan for my life. I was willfully sinning.

Now....usually I don't get quite this personal on my blog....I mean this is out there for all of blogosphere to see! But God is amazing. He really is. So I just had to share this!
The really neat thing is that by exposing to someone I highly trust...this new friend that amazingly God allowed to enter my life....I was able to just breathe. I could finally breathe (emotionally speaking!) about this part of my past. Yes, it tormented me for a bit: my mind was asking the question "Why did I just tell her this?" Why did I share the horrid things I was involved in? What good is gonna come from this?

I received the answer this a.m.
Actually, I have been sensing the answer for about a month now but just became "brave" enough with my self to face it.

I believe the Lord showed me in church that the reason He set up the steps of disclosure in the way that He did was so that I could learn what true forgiveness is. I needed to forgive my self before I could truly forgive this ex-boyfriend. I thought I HAD forgiven myself when I repented of the sexual sin and stopped living with the guy and moved away and started a new life. I thought I had totally forgiven him. And I did, in some ways. But I was holding on to a part of it so that I could feel in control of it. And I also didn't tell my friend the entire truth....I left one part out. Until a bit later when I confessed to her......you see, I needed to see if she would forgive me for that...I figured, if she did....if she, whom I could see and touch and trust could forgive me...then hopefully God could forgive me. You are probably wondering why, after being a Christian for so long, this is still a struggle...well...when we know something in our mind, it doesn't always make its way to our heart, does it??

However.....I really had never forgiven my self. So..this a.m. I pictured my self kneeling at the foot of the cross....and leaving that particular disclosure at the feet of Jesus. I allowed my self to forgive my past actions. We don't have to really DO anything to earn the love of God, do we?
He loves us unconditionally.
But sometimes we have to take action to love our selves. And to show God that yes, we are gonna trust Him. And I am learning to trust the friends He places in my life. Sometimes trust is just so hard for me!

and I had to tell my self that Jesus loves me. That He already forgave me. That it is ok to now say "I made a huge mistake......yet I survived by the grace of God on my life".

I put to rest this morning the past regarding this violent boyfriend. I have often berated my self for not listening to my parents who raised me in a Godly home. I often felt guilty for not telling someone years ago about what this guy was like......he later married and had children and ended up raping his own daughter. He is now in prison. He is reaping what he has sown. I have often thought "if only I had told someone before now, those other bad things might not have happened....." yet....we cannot change the past. but we can move forward.....

I want to reap the good things of God. I want to see fruit in my life....in this area of trusting others and allowing my self to be real and to allowing my self to have close friendships without feeling like "what if she/he finds out about my past?"

That question no longer really matters to me. Oh yes, there are some things I only share with the most trusted friends...I have posted about those friends before: the counselor/friend I have had for many years (thank you, Cheryl S!), my husband (I give God thanks for you, Dave!), my dear friend whom I can vent with about work, marriage, kids and she can do that with me (thank you, Erin!!), the new friend God brought into my life whom I am learning so much about and with whom I am learning to trust as a real friend who "gets" me, who prays with me and whom I can pray with/for, (Thank you, Candace).....and many more people who have poured into my life, and hopefully, feel the same about me......those true friends who listen, pray, care, encourage and don't judge!!

But really.....the Person who really "gets" me is Jesus. And He showed me this morning that even though I had much anguish about this one piece of my past, He allowed me to speak about it. And survive it. And forgive my self.

And now...He can do a work of restoring peace to that part of my heart. I felt it this morning. I came home from church and there was just this pervading sense of peace. An assurance that all is well in that area.......
am I perfect? nope....we won't be until we get to heaven!

Will my trials be over now?

Nope...I have other things to face. To work on. In fact I am working on one huge area of betrayal that I don't even know if I can truly handle. But I am clinging to the Cross....and trusting my Father......
If you are honest, you have things to work on, too. We all do. Because growing in Christ is a life-long process....just like my pastor said this morning.


This time of worship was showing me that something I had kept locked up inside was now out. And now that it is out, I can let go.

I'm leaving it at the foot of the Cross.

Glory to God.