Spilling Out

elusive worship........


.............weeks of wondering where my praise  went..........knowing that He didn't leave, but I shut Him out............. 


to the noise of fear, anger, loss, lies, disappointment...........all because of one short letter......from past friends hurting, aching, recovering,learning to forgive....again........


numbing coldness in the heart, clenched fists on the chair-back, eyes turned towards the lighted cross not seeing the One who reaches for my hand.........

voices raised in song all around........
my lips pressed tightly closed to the intimate Savior Songs.


ears wanting to close out the swell of praise and adoration yet




..........hearing the Voice whispering to let it go,


                                                                    let it slide,
                                                                                     
                                                                          let
                                                                              it
                                                                                   fall..........


scared to let go yet scared to hang on


daily Words  pricking at heartstrings, once unraveled, now tightening again beyond my control,  yet knowing that in doing so the Word will have thicker walls to penetrate......so pressing in, trying to hold them separate so they won't get tangled again in the shadows of my heart..........


I turn to His Word...


  ....a choice, this spilling out.......but not totally ready to let those things slip down because in doing so means facing loss.......again......and how to climb up this time?




........a choice, this worship of the word when worship with others is not working.....


a choice to be chewing on the words of Jesus..........


so daily Words consumed and put away in the soul...........

and bringing them out for comfort in darkest night, clinging on to that bread, that meat, that Light that penetrates the shadows bringing them closer........


"hold back nothing from Me"
"bring your most secret thoughts into the Light of My Love"
"trust me and don't be afraid" 
" I am your Strength and your Song"  (I know this, God!!),
"the battle for control of your mind is fierce.......vulnerable to the enemy" (I know this too, God, this is why I'm fighting to conquer. or am I really giving up, giving in?)


"take the next step, reaching out to get help up and over to get to the top"


"Words of wisdom and clarity I am showing you through a safe person"


"grieve the loss, embrace the loss and count it all joy to where I have brought you...where My Father has brought you".


"don't fear friendship. don't fear intimacy. it's the next step, the peeling away of yet another layer......"


Well, how can I think of ex-leaders as doing wrong? how can I think of someone who was so controlled that something wasn't done and now that friend hurts and I hurt and why is there so much hurt after so much healing?




 caught up in the struggle between knowing the truth and facing the loss or pushing it down and shutting the lid..........
yet.......


knowing that in facing it comes freedom in the soul, in the mind, freedom with  others, and living fully to fully live.


hoping to worship freely and fully again..........Longing for true worship with soul and mind set free 


and loss spilled out............ 




while I climb up and over.....to get to the top...........

Please note:  the above is a part of some private journaling I've been doing while dealing with a very difficult issue regarding some friends of ours.   And in hearing about it, it brought some things to the surface in my own soul that I would much rather ignore. Although I cannot go in to the actual issue here on my blog due to respecting all the parties' privacy, the result has been that I am having a hard time worshipping. Something that I NEVER have a difficult time doing!  BUT...God is faithful and true and He knows my every thought. And He wants to meet us right where we are. Of this I believe and cling to.  Sometimes it is tough to worship something we can't see.......it is a choice. Dealing with loss and disappointment in others is always tough for me. I hope that if any of you are going through a loss, that you will be encouraged to keep crawling up, over and around to get to the top.  God bless!!