In the Waiting

 By now most people are familiar with the musical Hamilton.  The song is Wait for It which the character Aaron Burr sings.  He's waiting for Theodosia. And we know about his relationship with Hamilton of course! Sadly, he claims he is in control.....that only he is in control of his life.We know better though don't we? 

 I found it amusing that this song came to my mind when I saw my devotional reading for the morning about waiting on God. 

The last few days, I've been in a devotional about Hope in the Darkness.  The main portion of the devo has been Habakkuk. Specifically verses 2 and 3. 

God is telling Habakkuk to write things down as He reveals them to this minor, but important, prophet.   One way we can connect with God is by sitting still in His Presence, during our quiet time, and read Scripture.  But in order to hear God's still small Voice, we must be still.  While we are still, we can write what we sense the Spirit is speaking to us. Not only should we be talking to, and with the Lord, but we should be listening and writing down the things He speaks to our hearts.

The times I have done this are few and far between, but each time I do, I get a real sense of where God wants me to go, with whom He wants me to spend time with, or what He wants me to do in the way of ministry. Sometimes the words are for someone else to hear so I share them with whomever it is that God puts on my heart. Other times....most times...it's for me alone. Sometimes it's a correction. Sometimes encouragement. Sometimes it's just God showing me unconditional Love that only He offers. 

Today's passage really hit me.  The phrase "the appointed time" means "The right time". The Hebrew word for this is mow'ed. This is a time that is divinely chosen and when God permits something to happen.   

Waiting is hard.  I know. I've waited since March 2022 until April 2024 for clear answers as to why I was getting daily headaches that from March 2022 until July 2022 were non stop, 24/7.  It was maddening. Nothing over the counter worked!! Some of you know the story:  first the sinus meds, then the allergy meds based on numerous ENT visits, then 2 endoscopies and a sinus scan, then weekly visits to the chiropractor for 12 months. (that's a LOT of co-pays).  Then an X ray in March 2024, two full years after this saga began. Did I ask the Lord to heal me? Of course!!  Did he miraculously heal me? No He chose not to. Trust me, it's not from lack of faith. 

Then after a horrible neurologist who basically was pooh poohing me, my  wonderful primary found a headache specialist neurologist who had me try a supplement I can buy over the counter and I began to see improvements. Meanwhile, I now had severe neck pain, upper back pain and was finally approved for an MRI of both my head and cervical spine. This is when cervicogenic headaches were finally officially diagnosed.  BUT...what some people don't know is that I was doing my own research in the fall of 2022 and the Lord led me to an Australian physiotherapist's website where he explained about the 3 different kinds of CGH's. I knew it was God pointing me in the right direction.  Meanwhile, I was writing down healing Scriptures and getting Truth into my spirit which was slowly being crushed. (because there's no cure for these headaches).  

"...the spiritual enemy (Satan) is an expert at stealing the seeds of Truth that God wants to plant" ~Craig Groeschel~ 

When I finally had the MRI in mid-June of this year, my neurologist said my head was absolutely normal.  No brain tumors or cysts, no AVM's like my sister Jill had, nothing abnormal at all!  Glory to God.

However, the cervical spine is a mess. My neurologist sent me to a neurosurgeon at The Spine Center at Albany Med and that woman explained my MRI. Most of it is from arthritis which is not just genetic but exacerbated by the lyme disease I had in 2001-2002.  I also have bulging discs and cord  compression in the cervical area..mild at all the vertebrae except one severe spot. Some of this is from pushing and pulling heavy furniture across my classroom or home for years. Some of it is from lifting and carrying preschoolers my whole career.  Some of it (most of it probably) is from running during college, hiking up and down high steep mountains with heavy backpacks on my back, and biking. I am no longer allowed to bike unless I buy a recumbent bike.  I am allowed to use a stationary bike (guess what I'm asking for for xmas!!). I can still hike but I have to stretch cervical and lumbar spine before and after and maintain correct ballet style posture while going up and go sideways coming down. I can't ski, sky dive or hang glide (not that I want to!!). I can no longer use a treadmill nor trail run. and to top it off, I have 2 bulging discs in my lumbar region although thankfully, 12 years ago, my chiropractor got me pain free from those and I now know what to do when that region of my back acts up. 

Long story short: I had to wait. I have had to learn to wait on God for my strength to face each day. Happily, I am finally seeing more and more pain free/headache free days.  I still have back pain every day (thankfully God created me to have a high tolerance for pain) and probably will for awhile until my chiropractor can figure out which technique to use. I do know the neurosurgeon I saw said I am not a candidate for back surgery yet as I still have the fluid in the spinal canal.  That's a good thing!!  She also said that my chiropractor can continue to use Active Release  Technique on my cervical spine but no more neck adjustments. It can make the stenosis and disc issues worse. 

During this trial, I have learned to have more compassion for people with chronic pain.  I have had to learn to be patient and allow God to comfort me in ways I never had to before. I've had to learn to ask for help which is so very difficult for this independent, type A personality!! I have had to wait and let God be in control....another hard lesson that He has constantly been teaching me since I was about 21 years old!! 

The frustrating part was that I knew in my heart...in my very being, that I was to begin a walking  group for women, and a hiking group as a small group ministry with my church.  This began this past Spring. I have over 30 members in the SoulSteps Hiking group and 15women in the SoulSteps Walking group! Why would God call me to form these groups if He was allowing me to go through daily physical pain?  Why not?? 

I have had to really trust Him and I firmly believe that even though He may not heal me completely and that I will aways have to manage symptoms, that He has the best plan for me. I will continue to have faith in my Redeemer because I can't put my faith in anything or anyone on this earth. He is still good...and He is still in control of my life. 

It's no accident that my life verse has been Proverbs 3:5-6. 

My childhood pastor the Rev Richard Leonard, gave me this verse to memorize the night I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior.  I was 15.  How I've clung to this verse over the years. I may have run from God at times...or tried to....but once I grabbed ahold of Him and really trusted Him as the Loving Father He is, I have never let go. 

Not even in the waiting.