..........physical pain is like that for me........
...........labor and delivery was not too bad for me and although all the pain was in my back, how quickly I forgot it once that baby girl was lifted onto my chest.............both times.......I chose not to do drugs/medical intervention as I wanted to experience every single pain, every single push, every single cry..........plus I didn't want medication in my bloodstream entering my baby's as I was choosing to nurse her full time.
this is how it's been with a cervical spine/daily headaches issue (which praise God, the daily headaches have greatly eased up thanks to work out routines and supplements).....I have been able to push through the pain........
..........not so much the pain of spiritual/church abuse and childhood s*xual abuse. The latter? I've worked through it via an amazingly gifted counselor whom I'm thankful is also a good friend........but there are triggers that often pop up and when they do.....that emotional pain cuts deep......yes, even 30 years after the healing Presence of God showed up via theophostic prayer.........
.............maybe because he was a church leader........
................which leads me to the church leaders who also caused a different kind of abuse...an abuse of power, of cult-like activity, of not understanding that they covered up a crime, of legalism, of not understanding the difference between preferences, convictions and core Biblical truth.......
....that emotional pain leads to needing to have meaning......
there must be meaning in this pain..........there's a reason for it.......
........to deal with it as a loss...to grieve it....and to then fully surrender to the One who makes it all possible.......??? that's a tough one..........
the pain of church abuse cuts very deep when you used to trust the people who did the betrayal. Just when you think you are past something, along comes something to rear its ugly head and wham......you realize you only shoved it down to no longer dwell on it, rather than facing it, owning it, grieving it and then releasing it in surrender.........
the forgiveness part took awhile but it's done....
......now to grieve the loss and learn to trust God all over again......
it can't be meaningless......
The heart's cry: don't stop the madness, chaos or pain surrounding me......
God has to break my heart to bring me to my knees.........
and in that madness, there is meaning.......
.........to get me to a place of surrender instead of living in survival mode.....
........because as my counselor friend just told me the other day........
..protection of the heart (a symptom of survival mode) and fully surrendering to God cannot be lived simultaneously........it's one or the other......
.......it's a struggle to be free.........
but it can't be meaningless........
2 comments:
Hi Faith, I am sorry you have gone through all that I can relate to the church issue, only mine was just a friend that didn't want to be a friend after 20+ years. When we have gone through any kind of loss, we grieve. If we don't grieve after it happens, it will happen at some point and sometime stronger. It's hard to be a woman of faith, knowing we still struggles with issues of the past. Just when we think we are better, something happens to bring it to the surface. I know I needed counseling when I went through depression and anxiety when it got to be more than I could handle. I learned some coping things. But it came back when I lost my dad and I got grief counseling and that really helped. Losing the friend was devastating and it took years to get over and it is hard when I see pictures of us. We can't wipe the memories when they surface. We can only give our pain to God and try to focus on the good things. Praying for you.
Faith, so sorry that you are still dealing with this. Prayers for the healing of your heart.
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