It's been awhile since I trusted a person whom I don't even know all that well yet.
It's been awhile since I sensed God doing some rearranging in my soul........
...........my mind..........
...........................my heart
It's been awhile since my heartstrings were so tangled I didn't know which end was up and which end was down and why does this keep coming round and round?
It took one discussion. The topic was forgiveness. I was moved by one woman's testimony that I don't have permission to share here. Then another woman shared something and wham. I felt pretty convicted. It was a week ago.
And I knew in the deepest part of my heart that there were people from my past (specifically former church leaders) that I hadn't thought about in over 6 years, let alone forgiven.
It's hard to pull things up and expose them to the light so the Light can shine through.
All this past week, I haven't slept well, tossing and turning, not eating, and wondering why God has me in this place?
because it's been awhile......
Why was I being triggered all over again standing in church and looking around and seeing people joyful and me in agony.......frozen so the tears don't fall...........
because it's been awhile.....
This time though, I knew the answer.....
There's a part of me that felt in control with fists tightly clenched that I can't even hold on to something.........can't worship, can't read the Word, can't trust.......
can't let go.......
won't let go........
.........yet I was having visions of reaching for Jesus' hand ........again..........to get up and over........and there were these past leaders in the way with an angry God behind them and a laughing Satan in front of them and where are you Jesus?? and why this week of all weeks?? (the anniversary of a pivotal moment in my teen years).
Because it's been awhile.
And in reaching my breaking point, just like God does so well, in walks a person I admire greatly and whom for some reason I trust. This has always been hard for me. I was tempted to call my friend the counselor but God impressed on me to talk to J. And I don't typically get these "senses". I'm glad I listened and could at least do that.......because......
it's been awhile.
And this friend?
She challenged me. She quoted me Scripture, she read past posts and still accepted me and I knew she would pray. I asked for prayer because.....
it's been awhile.
And I just knew I could trust her.
She challenged me that those leaders? they weren't really my friends. Those people who dissed me and sent me horrible messages full of anger? they weren't really my friends. And it was time for my ears to hear this because......
it's been awhile.
And while trying to stay in control of one last big thing in my life that I can cling to and be in control of and wishing to see justice when it isn't gonna happen here on earth........
........I knew I was unraveling and totally out of control........and when those tears started falling and it was time to pray..........
I released those people from my past and asked God to help me forgive and told Him I was laying them at the foot of the Cross for Him to carry.......
and I felt my fists unclench.......
because it had been awhile.
2 comments:
There really aren't any words that I can say right now, except to say how much Jesus loves you. And if I were near you, I would give you a big hug. So here it is: (((HUGS))). May God continue the healing that He has begun in you. He is with you, and He loves you so very much.
Hi Faith, I can totally relate to your post! It's been 7 years for me and the memory will always be there, but the pain has died down. You are right, you have to grieve. I was so down and actually physically sick from it. But I turned to God and had one special friend that helped me through it. We are stronger in the Lord because of it.
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