where Love broke through

 

I'd been planning this hike for well over a year. When I discovered, through the hiking group I founded in 2024 (SoulSteps), that there was a member who was physically fit enough...and willing to hike outside the group....I was so grateful. I met Joan in the winter of 2024 when I spoke to a class at church about the group I was leading. In fact, her name was one of the first ones on the sign up sheet! 

Little did I know then what God was orchestrating.......

2 years of getting to know each other, mainly through the group hikes, left me feeling like I could trust her.  Trust is tough for me. As it is for any survivor of not only childhood s*xual abuse but church abuse as well. This summer? I was dealing...finally.....with the latter. I was feeling frustrated because my old methods of survival weren't working. The case came up in conversation after a small group of us were sharing about forgiveness. That led into this spiral of remembering things that belong in the darkness but needed to come out to the light. Things that needed to be exposed. Some were! I've written about the lawsuit here in the past...or at least have alluded to it..how I helped to advocate for a girl who had been abused by the hands of a deacon and how the leadership in that place, covered up the crime, claiming they would "take care of it". That's all I'm going to say about that case. It's really not my story to tell although I'm a a part of the lawsuit she brought forth. 

The part I had to deal with? The loss of old friends. The betrayal of leaders I once respected and although they gave us a difficult time regarding our decision to become members of a new church (the one we've been going  to and growing in since 2005), they did maintain the friendships via social media and when we would run into them at a funeral or a graduation party, they were always cordial. Until I stood up for the young girl. 

So....add spiritual/church abuse on top of s*xual abuse and it's damaging and difficult to navigate through life. (Yes, even with the healing I received through counseling and theophostic prayer regarding my own situation). But I always thought I was doing pretty well with it.   Until this summer  after praying a prayer of forgiveness,  when the enemy (Satan) really got into my head. And  3 weeks later..... still dealing with this....I finally had a hike that I didn't have to lead and one in which it was just a friend I  trust and me. 

I thought this would just be a fun day out with a good friend and a challenging trail to conquer.

Little did I know the challenge would be my heart. 

So..we started hiking in the morning and it was beautiful. The weather was perfect! 

about a half mile in from the southern end

the trail from the south
was to the left of the stream for
most of the first 4 miles 

the first glimpse from south trail
of Hoffman Mt (3693 ' elevation)
(no trail leads to the summit) 

And that's when Love began to break through.......

.........we had hiked, I think....about 4 miles and all of a sudden after trekking along next to a beautiful brook and through diverse terrain....I started to really process. We had been chatting, and there were silent times of just hiking, and I felt at home in this glorious wilderness and my body and mind felt safe.......and yet.......

.......there was this yearning to be at peace within 

............a yearning for God to touch me, see me, hear me, release me......

........................and a yearning to be free..........

The timeline is blurred in my head.......I can't remember tonight if what I'm about to share happened before we got to the Big Marsh (the halfway point) or after.  I think it was shortly after.......

first glimpse of Big Marsh
this is about 4.3 miles in 

another view....I love the mountain ridge

this was my fave spot on the entire hike
Hoffman Mountain and Big Marsh
I felt so safe here.......

and yet.............................



there were these tangled heartstrings longing to be made loose
and there was a yearning in my soul..................
for peace, joy, hope...................and I wanted to feel God

I usually feel closest to God in the woods and mountains
what was wrong with me???  Where was He? 

We continued hiking and Joan had been talking about something spiritual and I can't remember now what it was exactly but all of a sudden I heard myself asking

"they weren't really my friends, were they?"

my pastor's wife, my counselor, and 2 good friends (Joan being one of them) have been saying this to me over and over for the last month. it was finally breaking out of me......the realization that they were never true friends.

 Why? 

because true friends don't shun you when you stand up for Truth, when you show love to an abused girl, when you share your own testimony of your own childhood abuse making yourself vulnerable to more than 20 deacons/elders  and their wives and teaching them what to look for only to have them not take that knowledge and do the right thing....betrayal cuts deep and I was wounded and broken......

I had to sit down, so we found a perfect log off the trail in a little glen -type spot and just sat. My mind was racing, my heart was hard yet I felt like the pieces that were broken and tangled  were spinning all around trying to break free........and although I don't think my hands were clenched tight into fists like they've been during worship at church the last 3 weeks, they felt rigid.....I didn't want to break but I did want to break free..........I didn't want to cry and I was determined to not cry and show that depth of grief I could feel rising up in me ready to spill up and over........

Joan said she was going to read from the Jesus Calling devotional. I didn't want her to. I had started it at home while having breakfast and had to slam the book shut after the first paragraph......."Come to Me. Come to Me. Come to Me. This is my continual invitation to you, proclaimed in holy whispers". 

I felt tears welling up in my eyes.....I kept screaming inside my head "stop, don't cry, don't let go". yet my heart was aching......

........and she kept reading so calmly and quietly......." when your heart and mind are quiet, you can hear Me inviting you to draw near. Coming close to me requires no great effort on your part."  

at this point I could feel sobs rising up and out of me...I tried to stop them.......

..........and she kept reading......"Open yourself to my loving Presence so that I may fill you with My fullness. I want you to experience how wide and long and high and deep is My Love fro you so that you can know My Love that surpasses knowledge"  

I believe at this point I am fully crying and trying to stop but it isn't working. My heart had become so hardened I was afraid He wouldn't want me. What would Joan think of me?? I'm a small group leader! I need to get it together.......and yet.......

.........I felt the Spirit of God pulling those heartstrings like He did 30 years ago....only this time it was a lot harder........

............."This vast ocean of Love cannot be measured or explained, but it can be experienced". 

and then she read the Scriptures that went with the reading:

My mind was screaming "Are you kidding me? this was my journal writing a few days ago..that I wanted...needed.... to drink of the Living Water........"  

Was God showing up in this place? was Love really breaking through to rescue me like in the song I wanted to experience? 

Was Jesus really going to storm through the tower of my heart?

was He really going to break through? Wasn't He disappointed with me? Wasn't Joan wondering what the heck was wrong with me? 

and then this Scripture: 

And by then I was crying and wanting to pray......

it was God's perfect timing...and perfect place....when I  looked at Joan's face, I only saw the Love of God........

I prayed, releasing these old  hurts, old "friends" into His Hands for Him to pick up and you know what??

My thought that He couldn't hold my broken pieces and hold me at the same time wasn't an accurate thought. He can hold our brokenness and embrace us at the same time. He is mighty to save. 

I had to ask God to just take this from me and confess I couldn't do it anymore. I asked Him to make these memories and those people fade like the driftwood fades.........

..............and I felt free.......

I felt light in my spirit and just couldn't believe this was actually happening. 

Love broke through on that hike........

it still seems unreal........

I've since been able to share this with my pastor's wife (who was completely thrilled and so encouraging) and with Cheryl my counselor who was also so thankful and happy and was rejoicing with me.  And she explained that yes, I had major healing from the childhood trauma but that the beginning that I kept wondering about all summer???  

I kept hearing God whispering to me during my morning meditation and journaling to "go back to the beginning....it's in the remembering......go back to the beginning...."

I knew it wasn't my own beginning of abuse. I thought it was the time my little student was abused badly by her father and I voiced to my self that I would never tell anyone my secret and I would never trust God the Father ever again. 

But no.  Cheryl confirmed it was the beginning when I myself was 7.....because church abuse happened then too.  My pedophile was a youth leader. In  church.  And she said that is when I first experienced church abuse and now all these years later....another church abuse and that psychologists are now learning that that kind of abuse? from a church? is the most damaging of all.  

but Love broke through and I have experienced a joy, a hope and a peace that I haven't experienced in a long time. 

It's not fully over nor will it ever be......it cuts deep....but with clinging to Jesus the One who sets us free....the memories will fade and it might be 2 steps forward and 1 step back but the true work of letting go and releasing these people who really aren't friends is complete. 

When Love breaks through, your darkened soul becomes light because of His Light. 

And when you have a friend who shines that Light well and allows Love to show through......

there's safety in that. 

And that's freedom. 

and yes....we hiked the entire trail
and came out of the woods at 6 pm.