Friendship and Fun in Marriage

Today is Marriage Monday!  This is hosted by E-Mom from Chrysalis blog.  How about joining in and linking up for today's topic which is "Overcoming Boredom and Apathy"......an all-too common occurrence in marriages that have lasted more than a few years!

Dave and I were friends first.... before dating and engagement.

We had quite a few things in common, at the time (late 1980's):  those things  were our graduate work (different fields)/beginning careers, music ministry at church, and taking walks.  We also loved to play miniature golf because it was inexpensive! When you are on a grad school budget and paying off undergrad student loans, you learn how to do fun things without spending a lot of money!

This has carried over into our marriage....and we now know several way to keep the friendship blooming and have fun in these middle years of marriage.  And let me preface this by saying that if you have young children who still require a babysitter, then hire one!!  We made sure, once our oldest was born, to have a few good sitters lined up (we don't live near any extended family) so we could still have "date nights".  I highly recommend a sitter. And don't tell me you can't afford one because if you can afford to go out, then you can afford a sitter! :).......

so....do we still have fun at ages 52(me) and 45(Dave)??

YES!

We will celebrate 22 years of marriage on the last day of June.

That's a long time.

It has gone by so fast!!

Sometimes, especially during the busy school year (when I work), whole days will go by where we barely see each other, much less have time to cultivate the "friendship" side of our marriage.  Life is busy.  With 2 girls who have been very active in school, music, dance, and youth group, it's been a challenge to fit "couple time" in.  BUT....now that the oldest is a freshman in college (about 4 hours away) and our youngest is in the junior high school, we find that our weekends are less busy.  Therefore, we have started to find those fun things to do together again.  We have never had trouble keeping the fun and friendship alive in the warmer months....we both have enjoyed hiking together, biking, kayaking, camping, or just doing yard work together.
HOWEVER...it is the winter months where we've had to be creative to keep our friendship going......neither one of us are into winter sports....and since winter is in the middle of the school year, we are busier in those months.

Some things we have done, and still do, to keep the fun in our marriage are actually things any couple can do.....if you enjoy these things!  Here's a list of some of our faves:

• COUCH TIME!  Usually just 1-2 evenings a week to have a cup of coffee or tea together and discuss various subjects.......sometimes church or youth group related things, sometimes our wants/needs, vision for hte family, desires for the girls, sometimes just the news....it varies.  Sometimes we just sit and cuddle while reading books.
• BALLROOM DANCING!  in the kitchen.....or at parties where there's a band.....
• Family Movie Nights (sometimes with 1 or both girls and most often lately with just the 2 of us).  Since we don't buy cable, we do have the instant streaming Netflix or we get movies from Red-Box or the towne library.  This works well for us on Friday nights when we have no other obligations and we just wanna "crash" from the work week.  Sometimes I bake a special dessert or we just do popcorn. Sometimes a glass of wine, other times just herbal tea!
• Family Game Nights (similar to movie nights). Reserved for weekends, with family, the daughters, just us, or some of our friends from church/neighbors.
• Walk and Talks:  this is where the 2 of us go out for a walk around the neighborhood or to the town park where some good trails are located and just walk and talk.  Sometimes we pray about a particular thing but usually it is just to be together to talk with no interruptions.
• Mini-Dates: these tend to be spontaneous type of evenings....typically when Claire has a dance class or other event and we just wanna grab a bite to eat like a simple dinner at Panera, one of the diners in town, or the Indian restaurant in town.  Sometimes these "dates" are just grabbing a cup of coffee and heading to the towne library to browse books and movies together. Sometimes we plan on free things like local art galleries, some of the art museums in and around the capital region/Vermont/MA that are free or take donations.  Sometimes we go to concerts in the park or recitals at the local colleges.....all things we enjoy and don't do on a weekly basis. We try to do these once a month or every couple of months depending on what else is going on in our lives.
• OUTDOOR ACTIVITIES:  kayaking, biking, power-walking and hiking are our faves.  We actually have been known to decide at the last minute on a Sunday (like at 1 pm after church!) to throw the kayaks on top of the car and head to one of the lakes in the foothills near us.  These spontaneous adventures are usually our most fun!  In the warmer months, I keep the kayak bag, the swimsuit bag, and the picnic basket stocked with all the necessities for spontaneous dates or family fun trips.
• Ball games:  our area has a minor league baseball team that plays at a community college near us during the summer months. Dave enjoys this more than I do but it has turned into a fun event simply because I enjoy watching him enjoy a good game.  He is totally into baseball so I have learned to enjoy this time with him.  Just like he puts up with my hiking trips!  and the fireworks afterwards always make us both ooh and ahh.....
• BACKYARD BONFIRES/PICNICS:  these are usually spur of the moment things too unless we have invited friends over.  We seem to have most of our friendships from our church and our neighbors from next door.  Sometimes we have one of my 3 sisters and their families over...they all live within 1-2 hours of us.  When it's just Dave and I, we tend to sit out near the fire, hold hands, chat......sometimes we play badminton in the early evening before the dark settles in.....just fun stuff like that! We do this from April til November!
• CHURCH EVENTS things like coffeehouse nights, marriage small groups, all day conferences, special concerts, etc.  We have one all day conference coming up in March called "The Marriage You've Always Wanted" with GARY CHAPMAN (author of The 5 Love Languages)...we can't wait to have him at our church!!
• CHORES.  Yes, sometimes, believe it or not, when we are working together......(key word because so very often it is ME who does most of the housework) around the house or yard, we make it fun. We sing, talk, reminisce.  It just is good to be together working on a project.

These are the main things we do together for fun.  However, before you think we are the perfect couple, let me reassure you.  We are not.  These things have started to become our routine again BUT....for several years when our oldest was going through junior and senior high and our youngest was coming up through elementary school, Dave was super busy with church obligations and personal stuff.  And we made no time for just us.  We did family vacations (camping for the most part or time at the family beach house) in the summer but....those few short weeks with all these fun activities didn't carry over into the busyness of autumn.  My own life was consumed with working part time, volunteering at church ministries, volunteering with the PTA, and working on the house.  We barely talked much less had dates.  It has only been since last year....around the time our oldest decided on a college, that we started to be more like "friends" again rather than marriage partners who were just doing life separately.

It has taken work.  Dave would still much prefer to just sit on his laptop and play solitary action games or write his science fiction stories.  And I sometimes just let him because I figure, why bother??  BUT....that is changing because I am letting him know that after these girls are gone off to their own apartments and careers, or marriage, or whatever the Lord has for them, it will be just us.  And I also have to be less selfish with MY time.  I tend to go off and read, blog, chat with friends on Facebook, or clean.  In other words, we both have to make more of a conscience effort to be together. We love each other.  We are friends......sometimes in the drudgery of life, work, church, housework, errands, training children, the spouse is left out.....we go our own ways. and God doesn't want that!!  We are partners....united as one!

We are married for life...and friends for eternity. (our wedding theme).

We are learning to be friends again in this thing called marriage.

It 's a work in progress!

So....off I go to join him on the couch and root for those Patriots.  By the time this posts tomorrow, we'll know who won! :)